reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

i'm gonna explore this peculiar feature of LE5, and i'm gonna use this thread as a respository of my observations.
---
so just now after writing the above i soon realized that this is not so peculiar,just more intense. bear with me those who choose to read this b/c there's gonna be lots inconsistensies, broken thoughts, and personal arguments that will often drift into the unintelligible, b/c i'm just writing thoughts as they appear.
... so, this 'guilt' is caused b/c i reliably always shrunk back from all my LOs. my first didn't give a rats ass about me, looking back she may even have been a robot(very disciplined, etc..). my fourth was too far from me(less interaction), but i daresay towards the end(of two years LE) i saw her give me looks, those that say 'is he...?' but it was too late and i had to focus hard on school to prepare for the national exam, so i couldn't play the game of hide and seek AND DROP THE BAIT AND....catch!...and hide and seek. (i would like to point out that this sick game, which some might even call a mark of a manipulative narcissist, was a subconscious act, fully realized only 3-4 yrs ago)
so that leaves three LEs. and they all reciprocated. and i had felt guilt towards all three for abandoning them, albeit with d/t intensity.
lets begin: my number two extremely smart girl, slooooowly reciprocated. wasn't sensitive to her hurt or she was sooo good at hiding it so i didn't feel so much guilt. met her at campus two years later, but by then she had moved on, so i moved on.
now LO3 just collapsed at the end that i sunk into one of the darkest periods in my life for three months followed by its after effect for two years. if i could look for it closely i could even now make out the scar on my left arm from daily scratching her name on the same spot with a matchstick. i felt *shitty*.
this brings me to LO5. at this age and freedom(living away from families now) she immediately assumed the initiative and pusued a full on r/n ship with any person she desired, which in this case was dear old me, and dear old me had become even more phobic to intimacy so that things turned out for the worst. after the catastrophe i moved my own way, licked my wounds(grief over lost love) healed my wounds, the even grew, and grew even more. i broke all contact and refused to see any signs of affection and manipulative acts(such as her choice of BF, her social media posts, her friendship with OUR old friends to keep me 'in the loop'). i honestly thought it would just die off.
but it didn't. it hasn't. and this becomes the very reason for my dear old friend guilt-b/c-of-abandonement to rear up its head and burrow deep in me to deprive me of any peace.
i will declare one important point:
i will reject the norm of false humility and put down as certain that she had loved me very, very intensely. my inside knows this and uses it as its card in torturing me saying 'she loved you so much a-hole and you abandoned her!' but get this: the worst one could do in this situation is to disregard this assertion(for the sake of self-deceiving humility). this bars the way to self investigation at the outset. best to be frank with one's self, and then face the issues head on. she loved me, what do i feel? pleasure to be loved by this exquisite creature, and the person i love to boot. SO WHAT?! lets move on. i think this is the most important point.
i am not afraid of my thoughts. i will turn this thing upside down and get to the bottom of it. i shall investigate all there is to know about this so it won't bother me in the future!
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

alright i think i've reached a temporary conclusion.
---
my conclusion is that this guilt is a symptom of quite another phenomenon, i.e. a shrunken, fevered mind state. and that I am by no means to blame etc.
i will explain._
reciprocity: her reciprocity sparks it all doesn't it? b/c if she hadn't reciprocated in the first place then i wouldn't feel i had abandoned her(b/c she wouln't feel my absence) and feel guilty. but she did. however that is no fault of mine. and i may add i didn't pursue my unconscious policy of manipulation. i was honestly trying to traverse single-mindedly through my own troubled life. she fell by herself. AAAND even if i had done so in the deepest recesses of my consciousness that i couldn't reach by inspection, then also this is no fault of mine b/c 1: this deep part of my personality(if it really exists) is out of my control for the time being so trying to take a blame for it is non sensical. it is for the time being like any other natural phenonmenon like the ocean or the wind. i can't feel responsible for the floods and the tyhoons. ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT I, as i far as i could see, WISH ALL THAT IS GOOD FOR HER. and feeling guilty for all that happens inspite of this wish is almost control-freakism of the highest degree. unhealthy.
and 2: this is my past and i *have* to accept it no matter what. by the maxim if i wasn't like that then i wouldn't be like this.
abandonement: the big A! i tackeled this by the logic of practicality. i actually don't feel guilty for abandoning her in the past, i feel guilty for abandoning her in the future. i.e. will i decide to abandon her?? .... so i asked why don't i feel regret for the past? that't b/c when i first abandoned her(during LE, by turning away) i was sticking fast to my initial resolve to *somehow* develop my self truly. this resolve was many, many years in the making and it would have been shameful of me to collapse at first sight of temptation. i often think how my life would've turned out if we had ended up together. then she would've definitely made me happy, but i wouldn't have struggled everyday, alone, in the dark and in the cold in my aspiration for the real. so i always feel amazed at my fortitude during that time. this was a policy of practicality. it was the practical measure to abandon the shallow for the deep.
when i abandoned her again(after NC, when i became a devout Buddhist, by not reigniting our love after a full year away from campus, and 'save' her from an unnatural relationship which i believe she entered only as a manipulative act) this time i felt i had found the '*somehow*' of a year ago. this was the ideal way to develop my self... but a catch! i had to abandon(renounce) women. now you could be saying 'you could have done it half-assed, meditate and have a girl, whatever'(and oh! how i wish i could!) , but this is simply b/c you don't know me. i hate half-assed measures. and i *loathe* life's sufferings. if only the former was my maxim in life, i would have MOST ASSUREDLY DEFINITELY renounced life and family and become a slave to her. but there you go. there's the latter. so again this is a choice of practicality. it is *practical* to follow one path dedicateldy to reap its promised fruits, whatever restrictions it lays on one.
sooo..this brings me to: when i abandon her in the future i.e. when i make that decision now.(by depriving her of her obvious need for if not mentoring then a drastically different perspective on life to challenge her convictions so they could become more effective(her convictions that is)) again this becomes a question of practicality. i will for the time being stand by my original decision of days ago to maintain NC, HOWEVER the probability for breaking it will stand and i will follow suit depending on the feasibility during that time. will i be strong enough to have plenty energy left over to interact with her, will i be strong enough to stand the continual temptation that is her and keep platonicaly friends only, what will her situation be like, and at the end will, by the time all these conditions were met, it be too late/ too weird/ etc....
point is all that matters is that i (as far as i could sense) feel the most intense, most sincere wish for the best for her. but i also wish the same for myself, and in the end the only thing that should guide me is not emotions, customs, religions etc. but practicality in realizing first what is best for me, then her and all life on earth. because, all sappy humilities aside, all is ash without me. first i have to prosper for the world to prosper,(same applies for all good qualities).
so this guilt is unnatural. it is irrational. why? b/c i know if i were really logical i must feel guilt for 'abandoning' the homeless man sure to be sleeping a hundred meters away from me, or the sick person just next door, b/c i have felt hunger, and i have been sick as a dog and they're both equally unbearable(all abstract philosophies aside), i have also suffered from love and limerence and confusion in life(as LO did and does) and they're all equally unbearable as sickness. but point is it's not practical to intervene in all these situations***.
it is a sign of a shrunken, fevered mind to think so. in contrast it is only healthy to avoid these impulses to focus on whatever one deems important in life. ----
my stand regarding limerence is also on the same lines(symptom of a shrunken, fevered mind_nothing offensive, just for lack of a better translation).
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

oh my, oh my, i just wanna harp on emotions.
...
spent today afternoon with a dude friend conversing about this and that and all i could wish for, all i could crave for in the depths of my gut is 'oh, how i wish he was somehow wiped from from this bar and subsituted by dear LO.'
drinking beer, a cute girl was sitting infront, you know, exchanging glances and what not, and ALL i wish is how she was LO. so she could save me from the trouble of me breaking NC, i would say 'hey, why not meet up, huh? i lost your number, i wanna talk to you, and i really wish we could do that... call you?'....
it was the place where there was some probability of us bumping into eachother, and i wished for it with all my heart. so i could be saved from this preparation of mine till things are feasible. i am now in an okay condition but i'm waiting for the nice condition. however i would delve into it if we somehow met, just not initiate it myself. and its an emotional torture.
idk right now about people, idk about anything i just crave for her, i thirst for her, i see the nicely dressed girl at the bar and i first get shocked lest she was LO(excellent fashion taste), then when she playfully exchanged glances with me(as she looked a little like LO with her glasses on), i was even intentionally projecting LO onto her. idk, i just don't care, at this times when i am intoxicated with booz i become pure emotion, and pure emotion doesn't give a sh*t about logic.
when my friend talked about whatever, i internally laughed at how much little i give a f**k about his opinions. there once was a time when i did, and tried earnestly to reason with him but i soon found out how addicted he is to sex, and drinks, and whatever. i had long ago given up on him, and told him most frankly, but... well he called and i went not to give offense.
i love her. i crave for her. i only want to talk to her while having drinks(not some bearded dude), i want to always be with her in the afternoons, in a room, or in a park or wherever , just alone. i want to engulf, and encompass, and absorb her if at all possible. i like her smell, her face and body, her voice, and all. i *know* limerence. and this is the highest of all my past four. its almost mystical....
words FAIL me.
words do FAIL me.
....
coming home at night i see the news and just for an instance of three seconds i see a woman doctor that looks strikingly like LO, with her petite hair and face and bright smile, and standing high above her friends in magnificence, AND knowing it. lol. and i'm reminded of this feverish irrational state of mine. i could travel just some miles and i am sure to find another equaly magical girl(in mind, as well as beauty). its a cruel arrangement this. a fever of the mind. and i know i have to calm it down. i sit calmly with no distractions and what once was the perturbed, muddy water, that was epic and looked as reality calms down, and i see to the bottom and i see my innermost nature. and the reality of this world._ intellect has to rule over emotions. _
the time of chaos has passed.
i will stand fast, and FIRM by my resolutions, and keep to them EVEN IF THEY WERE WRONG JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT!!!! just to prove that i could exercise my will regardless.
---
the manly fire as a friend describes it has once again subsided.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

self work

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

totally unrelated to the topic subject but thought i'd just use the same thread as its just personal thoughts.
anyone can comment though...
--
right now i am engaged in this "personal work" as ever, and i have given it first place in my "life priorities" now for.. 3-4 years.
learning is a secondary thing and so is family, friends, and romantic partners. if they ever existed. i have suffered in this life and think that i must, by all means and as rapidly as possible, be saved from this ordeal.
this means i have been a fanatic buddhist, and now for the past two years a self-sworn yogi.
honestly, i am not entirely sure why i come on this board; it would have made sense two years ago(when i lurked here) and five years ago when i was in the midst of my fifth and last limerence.
for instance todays, when LO#5 comes to my mind is 3-5% of the time and these when i experience "deep triggers".. but this is an utter joke to me as i have experienced thunderstrorms of attacks in this as well as former limerence experiences. - when i think of her now i am very alert to it and do not in any form interfere with its cycle. instead i prefer if i was at home sitting calmly to really observe it's workings. but this rarely happens and the thoughts arise in uncomfortable situations..
as a buddhist, this is one of the specific thought types i am studying and it's interesting. characterizable with one word: interconnected(with everything). but at the same time as a yogi, i see the other picture. that of the body. and the two in conjunction with eachother create this delusion.
-
limerence is an idial example of the greater Delusion.-
....
I attend class seldom(define as - present only during exams.) and spend all day at my single room house.
there i cook my own food and try to pursue my spiritual quests.
i see the d/t effects of d/t foods on the body/mind, the useless delusion of thoughts(described by a zen master as "a fly always in search of food") and i aspire to attain the fruits promised in those teachings.
my observation from such living for some three years is that as long as one avoids people, one can overcome the the various obstacles.
then come immediately development of mind and body.
it is a simple race to broaden one's self. one thing i observe again and again in life is that a person who is broad- minded(not to mean "tolerant") is always safe from evil. whatever challenges he faces he sees also the context and is thus free from bondage(being trapped).
the one great change i observed in my recent post-teen life was my last LE#5 and the immediately succeeding 'spiritual epiphany' i experienced.
during this LE, as in the past four, i was overcome with affection for this nymph of a girl. in retrospect, i doubtlessly assign the greatest LE to this last. though many other factors contribute such as my maturity, our being more intimate(than the past four) etc... the one cause, i still think, is the biggest in the piechart is simply her supremacy over the others.
though all the past four were and are excellent girls, this one girl is simply at a class of her own.
during my LE with her i couldn't help but see how she had(un/knowingly??, naturally?..) acheived a state of an - ideal woman- and this excellence trapped me.
though self-sworn to maintain celibacy for as long as possible, i cannot even now scratch out my history of women adoration; during my past when i was confused and unhappy i used beauty(in art and nature) as food for my fatigued mind and during that time i had developed the instinct to observe feminine beauty in form and expression and this last girl of my limerence series was nature's way of presenting me a Grand finale.
her beauty aside, this girl had acheived a sort of best-perfection-attainable-considering-the-circumstances(there's gotta be a single word for this!). co-mingling nicely the qualities of ease, grace, and modernity with the more manly courage, energy and devotion she was a person of many potentials in my eyes. and now as i look back i cannot also pass without saying that this must have been what she saw in me. i was at that time, though *utterly confused* , yet sincere and possessed of worldy qualities such as academic acumen and a general sense of goodness and energy. this is the other side of the coin, i.e. her affection for me.
but very soon after i had devoured and then embraced the buddhist teachings, i started to helplessly expand outwards mentally and in the process she became a compact yet miniature idea in my mind.
let alone the wrestlings of thoughts about metaphysics and walking meditations on my own mind(which left me with little interest to pursue her thoughts), even in her arena of love she couldn't maintain her position for even some days. she was assaulted by simple,sincere and frank questions such as: why not love everything? why love her?(answer:my unhappiness in life) is she the only person with these qualities? and finally, all this wrapped by my then newly acquired supreme credo "this world is a dream."
bang! fall to the floor.
- i have never hidden my thoughts regarding her:
i think she, as everything else in this world, is a (metaphysical) Delusion.
yet having 'made contact' with her(out of billions other people) i stop to think of her person. and i 'love' that person.but i never think of that person as my 'destiny in life'.
-nowadays most of the 3-5% time she comes to my mind it's with an accompanying enquiry:
what is the ideal goal of a woman?
and so what is her lot?
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

YMA wrote:what is the ideal goal of a woman?
and so what is her lot?
Guess this enigma is what brings me here.(and the last string attaching me to her???)
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

YMA's treatise concerning the fallacy of LE.

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

i guess till the blogs are back up i'll just keep stuffing random thoughts on this thread.
--
two years after LE#5(2011/12) I was in a peak condition mentally and physically and at that time i devoted my spare time to analysis of phenomena in great detail. one of those was the recent LE that was then extinguished with my will power.
i thought:-
this LO is truly exquisite. all my past LOs were very beautiful, intelligent, fashionable, humorous, free spirited, with delicious smells, possesed of intense love for me also, and all of them perfect specimens of life partners in what could become a happy, close, affectionate engagement.
and this LO was the culmination of what was perfect to begin with. and during LE, and even now(2011/12) at this time when i am perfectly content and very happy with what i have, it would still be foolish to deny that i was (and am) incredulous at what i beheld.
it is a matter of such complexity how this particular phenomenon manifests itself. how is it that there existed a girl who is the symbolic fulfillment of all i had dreamed? how possible that we ended up in the same classroom? HOW IS IT THAT SHE TOO LOVED ME? and with little/no/negative encouragement from me... and the way it ended, in a not complete, enticing manner with every possibility of bumping into eachother if i right now went out for a lunch or supper, or took a walk, or went out for drinks tonight...
and with what i know would be a very great possibility of US FINALLY ENDING UP TOGETHER, if only i just made half an effort. that she would leave her BF in an instant to finally 'merge' with me...
how is this all a coincidence??
but okay it's happened. tie this one up. let us just avoid the awkward incursion into the mystical. all the things somehow happened.
_ i am now sitting here with this above knowledge and possibility of pleasure in this world. yet i prefer to be alone and continually surrounded by bearded, ugly males.
this is where the fallacy comes:
imagine that i just now took a shower, wore nice clothes and picking up my phone boldly called her. or went to lunch at one instead of at eleven or three(to avoid accidental bump intos) or went out for light drinking tonight. then i would meet her, alone or with friends, radiant and warm and with a smile that would melt a savage's heart and when we are alone and she prepares for the semi-awkward conversations, i remove the cloak of false civility and frankly confess my feelings and my wish(of a romantic relationship)...
then what???
what then? having known that all i need is happiness in life, how would i acquire it from her?
neglect for the moment why my love is not Universal, and let us for the sake of simplicity avoid the probabilities of death, old age and sickness and separation. let us assume that she will be ever young, exquisite and loyal to me alone.
how do i enjoy her? how do i derive happiness from her form and expression?
1:i have to maintain a certain level of balance to properly enjoy her various qualities. without excessively losing myself and causing health imbalances.
and 2: the meeting point between ME and HER is non existent.
meaning, no matter how nicely i groom myself, and train my mind to be able to observe her awesomeness to the greatest limit possible, there would still be a discontinity. i cannot do more than look, touch, kiss, smell, and dream about her creamy, clear almost luminous skin, i cannot but hear her clear, rich voice. what then? can i hold it? can i live on it like bees on nectar or gods feeding on joy? CAN I ASSIMILATE IT??
I used to have the same question when i was in my mid teens. i would listen to a very nice music(or album) and because of my intense love for it i would listen to it on repeat-this may sound odd but- for a whole day. (but then i'd do the same for weeks and weeks, floating in this realm till i am saturated to the full with bubbling vibrant ecstacy). even todays i do that time to time.(bach, rachmaninoff's concertos, wagner, and some indian sitar and vocal musics). i used earphones all day but what i needed was, if possible, to live amongst the notes and melodies and harmonies like a mini-creature endowed with the ability of hearing only...
impossible!
she is, after all is said and done, another person. and even if she too desired this theoretical *union*, we would still not be able to go past that primordial discontinuity between organ of perception and object.
no matter how 'intimate'.
i believe that (PLATONIC) L is the final evolution of romantic admiration where the LO steps onto a pedestal of purity and exquisite divine like richness of beauty.
this means that where most resolve their admiration of their lovers by finally performing the sexual union, the LS fidgets trying to acheive 'the greater union' of complete assimilation.
NO!Right here, the self destructive quality of LE is revealed. one stares at the sphinx, one looks at the black rock, with no way in. one slowly understands the impossiblity of complete union with LO and hence one abandons that object for another that is equally(nay, a hundred fold even more) brilliant, and one that is actually capable of being assimilated. an object capable of imparting pleasure that is *internal* and lasting(undying and realistically loyal)...

this was part of my thought process of 2011/12 that laid my foundation for my granite like resolve to never be truly deceived by LE, even when i later became weak and confused again.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

the dream-
i had a dream yesterday about LO(the second ever as far as i could remember) with a bizzare plot where i somehow imagined that she was living next door with her family in a big house next to the one i rented for myself.
it was more detailed and longer than the past one and as i knew deep inside that i was dreaming i tried to savour every moment. especially since the morrow was a sunday i thought i could relax with my waking hour, yet i was annoyed with the incompleteness of the images.
it was a sequence of us discovering(in the middle of the dream) that we lived next to eachother and her in her carefree manner coming to my house and i don't remember much after that.
in the morning i sat and tried to recollect the details but after half an hour it started to fade so i got up and got to exercising.
in the afternoon i had my meal then watched Avengers(age of ultron). what a shit show! a bunch of expensive actors in expensive costumes exchanging childish banter as they fought villains that seem to be growing more feeble year by year. urggg! yeeesh! a friend said, excitedly, that this was even better than the prequel. i could imagine what it would be like!
this friend has probably seen six fold more movies than me and definitely should know better yet he deludes himself. i know why, yet i feel completely disinclined to somehow help him realize this and change himself. the simple reason is that he has been cornered, he grew up with only movies and society as his means of relaxation and supply of world view and as the two grew more and more demented and decadent he has no choice but to adjust himself to that trend willy nilly.
shit age-
this is a shit age. everything is growing ever more shallow and senseless.
confusion-
since creation, this world has confusion written in its script but now with people pointedly intent on CREATING, MAINTAINING AND HARVESTING even more confusion out of the existing ones we can barely tell our elbows from our butts. i bet even this entry has confused you! i started with LO then got here...
non-confusion-
i started some five years ago(after LE) to strip off this cluster of BS from my life and establish what is most important. i wanted to use that free year i had (for the first time since i was four) to find a thing(anything) that would stand like a pillar. that would always be my refuge when in chaos, something which i could retrace back to when things got too complicated or when too much clutter accumulated in my life. i wanted something that was a hundred percent logical. and i found buddhism.
i feel buddhism will forever be that central support and guide in my life. however just as bad things create more bad things, good things do the same and buddhism took me to yoga. now i have two. so now even though my worldly affairs are in shambles and the times seem to be growing ever more illogical(to the point of occasionally making me wonder if its me that's going insane), still in my deepest self i feel very, extremely composed. i feel unless i suddenly die i am destined for success and happiness. these affairs would pass(no matter what the results bad or good) and i would benefit from this friction and grow even stronger and more determined.
why i enjoy-
to be honest, right now life is unpleasant. i have to learn a meaningless set of courses with absolutely no use in the real world of jobs. i have to set right an affair that seems to be endowed with maliciousness and the gift of eternal life(at least till i graduate), and to set it right i have to talk to people with minds fettered with beaurocracy it's like chewing wood. with what time i have left i try to live my ideal life of inspired living but i would be lying if i said there were'nt times when i grew agitated or depressed.
during these times though i know that these will soon pass, and i remember that this is child's play compared to the real dark times of my past, yet i think i should see what people are talking about when they say 'enjoy life' so as not to dismiss it blindly and so i try to enjoy some things.(oh how many times in the past five years have i done this!!)
but the one thing i again and again and yet again see is that these things are very transitory and need too much work and after they fade they make the world seem even more desolate than before. I KNOW ALL THIS ENJOYMENT DEPENDS ON MY LEVEL OF (mental/physical)HEALTH so that the more i grow the more any ordinary thing will make me happy. this is something that must never be forgotten.
i try to enjoy the dream but its not detailed enough, not long enough, not complete...i wake up and try yet again to savour it but after minutes of euphoria it leaves me seated in a boring empty room(which i used to love)... meh. meh. meh. nothing special.
LO-
....
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

death throes?

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

+beautiful full moon today.
i know 'who the f- cares' about my shape shifting decision whether to do sth or not. but i've come to learn that this's the way my mind works - maintaining thin lines and acting in manners that still ensure both options on the table till i am pushed to make a decision at the last minute. gives me great edge in affairs but requires that i always be alert and 'fit for service' unlike others who can make a decision and just rest till the time for action comes.
but this doesn't mean i'll be surprised if the moment of truth was accidentally moved closer in time. this b/c i usually 'hold' a decision till the next revision.
in the past weeks i was 'holding' a decision that i will contact LO with an extremely slim margin 1% and i was seeing how i act with this decision in mind. and today after some time alone with my thoughts i seem to be leaning to staying in NC. things may change yet again but this is how it is now.
it was crucial especially reaching some decision today as i was prepared to email her TODAY but common sense seems to dictate the opposite.
i have been having an excellent time these weeks since my karmic Curse(some worrying affair that drained my being for years) has been lifted and these last two days i seem to now be reaping long awaited benefits from my personal spiritual works in an extremely obvious way. i am on my way to being ever more happier everyday simply by application of mechanical procedures and this is a dream come true for me.
this last evolution seems to be the defining cause for this decision regarding LO and i will just keep seeing how it holds its own against the argument coming from the other side of the table.
the phraseology that seems to have been going around abundantly in my thoughts was simply: why overwork? b/c though starting to experience personal states of true happiness and deep strength just the past few days i am nonetheless still far from established in yoga and this venture(LO) looked at from any angle is a work. and from a strategic pov what i need to do now is just chill, keep alone and independent while finally 'alphabetizing' my lessons so far. but inertia seems to prompt me to go forward and search for a new lesson in life or an experience which i certainly don't need.
i am content. and if this keeps for the coming days i will do the loveliest thing- wait out things. see the holidays arise, chill, relax w/ family etc.. and just wait it out till the moment of opportunity passes. if she calls, emails etc.. that will be another scenario, and i may agree b/c it will mean she is the person i need- a bold, acting person. if she doesn't i will also just wait out the L (while slowly killing off any foolish triggers in my mind) and watch it die with disinterest. i can definitely handle losing a loved one, and as for her IF she is still in love, it's not the first time a girl has lost love. let her grapple with it! she's got everything in life she only lacks suffering. otw she'll become weak, let her struggle, that seems to be the gift i am programmed to impart to her. -- the Japs have a saying that goes "i am sorry for that man for he has not seen suffering."
she seems to be going through quite some contortions of thought and feelings these past days too. so will i, in the coming days if situations evolve again, but if my decision remains supreme i will be happy to just finally let her die away. since we're not in contact, just finally remove her pics from my laptop etc.. and just calmly see as the life slowly goes out of this LE(or whatever) and be glad that this mind-f*ck is finally leaving my life also.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

;now working/living with NC in mind is a bit more difficult.
i have to remember that fight against LE is not a sprint but a marathon but it will last a life time. i guess that's why i named my self healing thread "what *is* working for me" b/c i feel that L, like other addictions i'm aware of, proliferates only dependent upon weakness.
so the fight is not about a one time victory but a life long conflict where one has to keep ahead of the game.
like an arms race both sides have to up the ante continously otw the one who slackens and thinks he HAS won will be defeated.
key points: have to fortify current attainments, find simpler ways of finding stronger happiness and perfect that skill, occupy mind with important matters. and reduce stressors in life etc.. or build body to be able to deal with them as a buffer against the pure ME.
keep sabotaging/subtracting other unwanted outlets: girls, drugs etc...
in all honesty, in the biggest picture, whether i contact LO or not, whether SHE does the contacting or whether life goes on as before it is of little importance. even if we became close, happy friends, or maintained NC and both of us felt a sort of 'grief' or loss or disappointment at 'what could have been' it just occupies a minute percent of our existence. the largest part being our connection with ourselves.
suffering, challenges, obstacles are life's way of nudging us, telling us "hey, you dozed off" "hey, this part is not strong" so that part of ourselves suffers and struggles and by hook or by crook it dominates and becomes stronger, more efficient. or else it dies and slowly rots and takes the whole being with it.
my being is up for challenge, whether i am with her or alone, and i have to keep engaged and grow.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

_day three at my parents home and i have 'taken up hate against LO#5' yesterday.
obviously a symbolic example of the limitation of words in expressing meanings but i still prefer this word and i would also add fanatic- before it. but the trick: i don't add 'persistent' as an adjective.
my hate is of the highest caliber. and this hate is that of ostrasization/snubbing.
it has been working fine, as i thought it would. and this approach is a shift from the previous just sitting calmly and when the feelings/thoughts come, just neutrally waiting for them to die off naturally.
i am now sufficiently strong and balanced to want to show my supremacy and i will display it in the highest manner of completely disregarding IT(LE,LO) and when it comes i won't even rationalize with it but instead instantly chase it out with contempt and abhorrence (at it's nature).
--
a beautiful, content, family holiday where all four of us spent all day together watching the holiday specials, feasting(they,), and i just being there laughing and talking.... a beautiful day where my dear LO does not belong. i hope she has a healthy,merry x-mas but when it comes to challenging my authority she becomes my enemy.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

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