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Rename: can we be JUST friends with our LO

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Illusion
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2020 8:42 am
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United States of America

Rename: can we be JUST friends with our LO

Post by Illusion »

I've been thinking about this for months. I (male) would have to say NO, in my case I can't be JUST friends with my LO (I modified the question to add "Just"). Sure, on the surface I am friends with my LO (female), we do friend things like buddies would. My SO tolerates it but isn't happy about me sometimes spending time with LO. We have some common interests and she's someone I can do these with. So YES we can be friends with our LO in appearances. However I'm not being honest, I want more than being just friends which just isn't going to happen. I enjoy the time together, we have fun. I'm resigned to at least have that and I realize anything more will never happen. However LE brings the jealousy, obsessive thinking, and constantly running through hypothetical scenarios, which will never happen.

I have other good, female friends with whom I do friend activities. But I don't have the LE feelings for them. I really which i knew what triggers the rush of chemicals in my brain with one person but not another.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
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Great Britain

Re: Rename: can we be JUST friends with our LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi Illusion

I think it’s that pesky and elusive glimmer I think. Why it happens is anyone’s guess but certainly for me thats the big difference. I like you have other female friends and colleagues and for 20+ years have had no LE with any of them. I love them dearly as friends but thankfully never felt the glimmer.

So in all honesty, I think (for me anyway) having any kind of relationship with someone I feel that glimmer for (except my SO) is a recipe for disaster. You can trick yourself into thinking you can just be friends but in reality as you say, that’s not an honest way to live and the more exposure you have the deeper the chances of limerence taking hold.
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ireneadler
Posts: 37
Joined: Sat Jan 04, 2020 2:37 am
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Re: Rename: can we be JUST friends with our LO

Post by ireneadler »

I think being friends with your LO is determined by one’s level of self-control. What makes them different from other friends except for the feelings we have? Can we keep those feelings at bay?

I spent time with my LO yesterday, as friends, and it was wonderful. He’s married and a good guy, so there’s zero chance he would step out on his wife. I feel like we can be friends if I can just keep my creepy thoughts to myself and not let on that I feel like I’m on drugs when around him. My marriage is on the rocks and my husband had previous experiences with his own LOs/EAs, so I feel disconnected. My LO is one of my best friends.

I felt convicted that friends should be honest with each other, so I disclosed to LO a year ago that I had inappropriate feelings for him. He said “Let’s just be friends.” So that was that. We are still friends. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. I love him like I love all my friends. I have sexual attraction to him that I try my best to ignore. If he was interested back it would be another story, but I try not to go there, because I feel that is the thought that might sabotage our friendship.
40 something, married with kids
LO is a married with kids co-worker
Illusion
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2020 8:42 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Rename: can we be JUST friends with our LO

Post by Illusion »

ireneadler
I'm in a similar boat, I work at keeping my feelings and urges at bay and am a friend. It's less of a struggle for me if the LO is married. Pure hell for me if the LO is single, finds someone and they become intimate, even if it's just hugging and kissing. With a close female friend who is not my LO, I'm happy for that friend. If it's my LO though who finds a romantic partner, outwardly I express happiness for my good friend, meanwhile my insides are torn out from the longing and anguish that it isn't me in that happy picture. I keep my feelings at bay and obscure my torment. I stay that good friend. My LO is happy, I'm happy for her but I'm so jealous of her new SO who gets to be much physicaly closer to her than I ever will. However I know by circumstances it is impossible I will ever have a romantic relationship with my LO. (It's kind helpful to have just stated that in writing). Thanks for listening.
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
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Great Britain

Re: Rename: can we be JUST friends with our LO

Post by mycorona »

@ireneadler
you say..."I feel like we can be friends if I can just keep my creepy thoughts to myself and not let on that I feel like I’m on drugs when around him"...

Ah yes, love is the drug.... as Brian Ferry sings.
Good luck with it and if you find out how to stay in control of your feelings and not go mad while you're trying to "just" be friends, let me know.
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Maedhros
Posts: 18
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2021 8:05 pm
Gender:
Age: 30
Spain

Re: Rename: can we be JUST friends with our LO

Post by Maedhros »

well...I wanna keep my LO in my life, but while he´s my LO seems to me that´s impossible. I´ve tried hard to resist "sacrificing" LO but one reaches a point in which you just want to free yourself from this madness. So, as much as it pains me to say, I see no other choice than to go NC (I´ve got to explain him why though) and then when I´m limerent free try my luck and see if we can have a "normal" friendship. Maybe when the limerence finally fades I lose all interest on him, one can´t be sure what the future will bring. Maybe he thinks I´m crazy and won´t wanna have any kind of connection with me, I don´t know. But at the moment that´s what I can say on this subject. However, if anyone really knows a way of staying friends with their LO without going mad let me know how you do it!
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