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Over a year now...

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
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L-F
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Over a year now...

Post by L-F » Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:14 am

The two people I speak of are in another thread and appear to be limerent over me. This has gone on for over a year.

They don't scare me, and I refuse to be disrespectful to them.

My question to you is... what can I possible do to help them to become unattached?

It is not flattering for me being the LO. Though I have learned a lot over this time, I was hoping their interest would have gone by now.
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

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Spinnaker
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Re: Over a year now...

Post by Spinnaker » Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:56 am

At this point they still sound a bit creepy, but probably because of your keen sense and ability to not engage in an encouraging way, the situation *seems* under control. I understand how the car situation today would rattle you a bit and cause a heightened state of concern.

What you describe with both of them reminds me of a few people who used to seek me out when I worked at the mall in college. Over 4 the years I worked there, I had 1 gal who worked in the stock room at one of the anchor stores, a security guard/mall cop and a couple elderly morning mall walkers visit regularly (almost daily). I had virtually nothing in common with any of them once we exhausted all subjects. Sounds possibly similar to the frequent visits you've had with the gardner and young girl??

The stock gal (in her 40's) and the security guard seemed attracted to me in a way and made uncomfortable eye contact. They all had that intensity to them which made me uncomfortable at first. They never asked me out socially. So over time I realized it would probably be safe to just ease up and bring happiness to their day.

My conclusion was, these people are harmless. The way I see it is there are lonely folks out there who are maybe not limerent but just appreciating the time you offer. Maybe I made matters worse and I was just a college kid.... but I chose to enjoy making their day and watched the happiness some kind words and attention gave them. I was assertive about saying I need to get back to work and even joked with the old guy saying "shoo now! You're gonna get me in trouble!" (in a laughing way) when he couldn't take the hint and repeated attempts to close out a chatting session.

Looking back, the repetition of those encounters taught me to be more assertive and definitely make a seamless exit from boring conversations. It also got me out of my bubble of college kids and made me recognize that there are a lot of folks out there who suffer from mental problems and bringing a smile to their face and light to their day was eventually something which brought me a sense of happiness.

Maybe try that?

L-F
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Re: Over a year now...

Post by L-F » Wed Jul 25, 2018 8:28 am

I know they are innocent enough. Annoying, but not scary.

I could up the anti so to speak and make their day with laughter and banter, but really don’t want to encourage them. I see them enough without encouraging them. I don’t view it as full blown limerence because you'd have to be in their heads to know that (but if it was it still doesn't scare me). I've downplayed it to just needing a 'mother' type figure and perhaps pep talks, IDK :-?? I really don't feel like I offer them a great deal of value, not when the conversations are stilted. So I can't work out why they keep visiting? They may as you say, just enjoy my company.

Incidentally, if I got firm with them, do you think that will discourage someone limerent?
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

JohnDeux
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Re: Over a year now...

Post by JohnDeux » Wed Jul 25, 2018 2:18 pm

L-F wrote:
Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:14 am
.... I refuse to be disrespectful to them.
Spinnaker wrote:
Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:56 am
.... those encounters taught me to be more assertive and definitely make a seamless exit from boring conversations.
Yeah....so I had to chuckle over this a bit. SO is originally from the east coast of the US where people don't mince words where as I'm from the midwest, passive-aggressive center of the universe. She would have no problem whatsoever in calling the unwanted attention what it is and if they felt disrespected, that would be their problem. She looks at my own lack of assertiveness and wonders how I even got out of the womb!... B-)

(....Hmmmmm.....maybe I didn't! =)) )
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

L-F
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Re: Over a year now...

Post by L-F » Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:00 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Wed Jul 25, 2018 2:18 pm
Yeah....so I had to chuckle over this a bit. SO is originally from the east coast of the US where people don't mince words where as I'm from the midwest, passive-aggressive center of the universe. She would have no problem whatsoever in calling the unwanted attention what it is and if they felt disrespected, that would be their problem. She looks at my own lack of assertiveness and wonders how I even got out of the womb!... B-)

(....Hmmmmm.....maybe I didn't! =)) )
I don't know JD. Its not something I set out to do (harm them), if I did I'd tell them to rack off. And we all know I dont hold back when fired up.

But here's the thing, I simply cannot tell them to rack off and its got nothing to do with wanting them to pamper my ego. We all know I want it to stop.

But when and how do you confront someone who hasn't and is not likely to disclose?

Disclosure would be simple for me because then I could support them (to a degree). Obviously I wouldn't give them the ins and outs of limerence, though I'd certainly let them talk it out. Counselling doesn't involve 'telling' people what the counselor sees or knows, its about letting the client come to their own conclusion, over time.
I'm talking narrative therapy here. But again, I would only support to a certain degree. I would more than likely refer them at the same time let know that its all going to be okay.

I would tell them not to feel embarrassed or ashamed and that I'll support them as far as I can.

But! How do I get to this point? Or do I just close my eyes and hope they will become bored with me?
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

JohnDeux
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Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Over a year now...

Post by JohnDeux » Thu Jul 26, 2018 1:22 am

L-F wrote:
Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:00 pm

I don't know JD. Its not something I set out to do (harm them), if I did I'd tell them to rack off.

.....

But when and how do you confront someone who hasn't and is not likely to disclose?
Yeah, I see what you are saying here. I mean, it sounds like one of the two people was there originally as a client and the other (the gardener?) is a fellow employee, but in a different capacity. The one who was the client may be treated a bit more gingerly perhaps, but the question is whether or not either of them are impeding your performance in anyway. And it doesn't have to be by rote interruption....perhaps with the groundskeeper it can be his presence where you feel like he's taking too much of a gawking interest in you and making those hours uncomfortable as a consequence. I guess,....and just as an interpretation of what my SO would feel in a similar situation...., sometimes we have to be firm with those who would give us the *impression* of being injured by our comments. In such a case, their injury is, I suspect, unwarranted.....conscious or not, they are using the situation for one kind of supply or other. The best I've gotten to in recent years is just telling certain co-workers with similar inclinations that I really need to focus and could they come back some other time. Done enough times *can* send the message, but not always. Then more firm words may be needed....even if they end up hurting the recipient a bit. Tough spot....good luck!
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

L-F
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Re: Over a year now...

Post by L-F » Thu Jul 26, 2018 6:16 am

JohnDeux wrote:
Thu Jul 26, 2018 1:22 am
L-F wrote:
Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:00 pm

I don't know JD. Its not something I set out to do (harm them), if I did I'd tell them to rack off.

.....

But when and how do you confront someone who hasn't and is not likely to disclose?
Yeah, I see what you are saying here. I mean, it sounds like one of the two people was there originally as a client and the other (the gardener?) is a fellow employee, but in a different capacity. The one who was the client may be treated a bit more gingerly perhaps, but the question is whether or not either of them are impeding your performance in anyway. And it doesn't have to be by rote interruption....perhaps with the groundskeeper it can be his presence where you feel like he's taking too much of a gawking interest in you and making those hours uncomfortable as a consequence. I guess,....and just as an interpretation of what my SO would feel in a similar situation...., sometimes we have to be firm with those who would give us the *impression* of being injured by our comments. In such a case, their injury is, I suspect, unwarranted.....conscious or not, they are using the situation for one kind of supply or other. The best I've gotten to in recent years is just telling certain co-workers with similar inclinations that I really need to focus and could they come back some other time. Done enough times *can* send the message, but not always. Then more firm words may be needed....even if they end up hurting the recipient a bit. Tough spot....good luck!
Brilliant! Love it!
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

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