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A married person cannot be friends with an LO

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
Dunk16
Posts: 35
Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2016 1:48 pm

Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Dunk16 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 7:00 pm

I cannot even begin to explain how much this thread helped me these past few days. I've been living in some false sense of reality, thinking that LO and I can be friends. We can't. Plain and simple. I'm mourning that fact, but it is indeed a FACT. I have read and re-read the original post several times. Thank you to all for sharing your thoughts. This board is truly helping me to get a hold of this illness.
"Your beliefs keep you attached to a specific vibrational level. Change your beliefs and you will change your vibration. Change your vibration and you will change your whole world." —Roxana Jones

MrSpock
Posts: 267
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Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by MrSpock » Mon Dec 11, 2017 8:55 pm

STR wrote:
Wed Dec 24, 2014 6:56 pm
My LO and I cannot do any of these things, because I am married and have a wife. Perhaps I could do some of those “friend” things with a male, but it has taken me a long time to realize that as a married man I simply cannot have female friends. I can have female acquaintances that I am friendly with and that I see once in a while, but such women can never really be considered to be “friends” in the same sense that I might have been friends with them before my marriage or in the sense that I might have male friends now as a married man.
I'm new to the forum and I'm reading old posts.

You're absolutely right, and I wanted to add something: A married person cannot be friends with an LO. AND, a 50-some old man cannot be friends with a 20-some girl (or viceversa).

I have to say this because I happen to be between a rock, a hard-place and a mountain ;) since I'm both married and she could be my daughter. As we all know, we limerent people always try hard to get away with what we want, so I for a long time in my LE I figured I can accept to be just friends with her. And as you, eventually I realized that is not possible because I am married, but, is even much more not possible because of the age gap.

If I were single, or if I had made the COLOSAL mistake of throwing everything in my life just to be with her, as I considered, it would still have been awfully wrong to be with her, and is absolute nonsense to pretend we can be friends, even if I where single.

This limerbeast has plenty of tricks, and we better we aware of all of them.

Cheers.

Havb
Posts: 251
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:10 am
United States of America

Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Havb » Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:14 pm

I agree this is helpful Mr. Spock. I knew this deep down ..but reading it makes me ever more aware of the boundaries I must keep. In my case we cannot even have a normal conversation the way I would have with numerous other male colleagues both married an d unmarried. This is annoying indeed.
“Patience, grasshopper.” Also, “listen to your intuition.”

Endgame
Posts: 230
Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2015 11:09 am

Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Endgame » Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:32 pm

Wow I remember this thread from way back. Made me aware how long I've been lurking around these parts in various guises ha! and nice to remember some old 'faces' from back then.

It was and still is a good thread.

My LO and I really truly tried this and failed, horribly. My fault. We both agreed to the friendzone and it sent me batshit crazy....I think full-blown LE was calmer.

But that's not necessarily a good benchmark....thats friendship with an LO after there has been reciprocation. Which is very hard to shove back in Pandora's box, without superhero levels of discipline (and one person not going all Fatal Attraction).

I do agree marriage is it's own perpetuating prison. It creates a guilt to being friends openly with members of the opposite sex if there is attraction. We don't choose friends who we aren't at least mentally attracted to. We often choose aspirational friends or people who make us feel good. So go figure. And then it cannot be open. But again...im not a good benchmark. I've come to believe that marriage itself is a con of the societal rather than our natural human state. So shoot me; bad blood.
Thanks for all the fish.

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FreeBird
Posts: 442
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Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by FreeBird » Tue Dec 12, 2017 1:46 am

Dunk16 wrote:
Thu Mar 09, 2017 7:00 pm
I cannot even begin to explain how much this thread helped me these past few days. I've been living in some false sense of reality, thinking that LO and I can be friends. We can't. Plain and simple. I'm mourning that fact, but it is indeed a FACT. I have read and re-read the original post several times. Thank you to all for sharing your thoughts. This board is truly helping me to get a hold of this illness.
I echo this sentiment.
Endgame wrote:
Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:32 pm
We don't choose friends who we aren't at least mentally attracted to. We often choose aspirational friends or people who make us feel good.
True, true
The artist formerly known as limerent-JohnDeux B-)
Me: middle-aged MW
LO: middle-aged MM w/children, good friend of FOO (deceased)
LE: started age 16

Windy1
Posts: 285
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Windy1 » Tue Dec 12, 2017 4:43 am

Holy Crap, I have been thinking about this issue a lot lately especially since time and NC has got me mourning.

I’ve mentioned in another thread my “twin flame “ friend of the opposite sex frim high school. We have never had any intimacy and although she is attractive, I’ve always thought of her as a sister. My DW had a very difficult time comprehending my relationship with her, but they’re friends in their own right at this time.

My previous massage therapist whom I believe had at least a crush on me tried to make contact and I was very cordial in my response. As others have mentioned in this thread, I didn’t want to give her the impression that I liked her in that way. IF her husband found these messages and even if they were just friendly;WTF would he think, I know what I would!

This brings me to current LO; as much as I would like to be friends and drop a line now and then, I know that it would make things awkward. My limerbrain always has ulterior motivation. FFS it’s just not fair to her, she has a very complicated life and why would I want to gain her attention which is finite, for anything other than outside validation which is the driver of my limerence IMHO.
M-46-married
LO- married 47,work colleagues

dian
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Mar 16, 2018 8:58 pm
Greenland

Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by dian » Wed Mar 28, 2018 10:44 pm

Oh, oh, good to read all this-
A lot resonates withme :ar!
Dreaming of beingffriends ffor4 years now...
After disclosing LO left , 18 months of NC
Just recently we texted again, he apologized, I did.
He is 15years younger than me, gay, Im female, though until recently convinced, it would be different with me =)) =))
How crazy can a limerent mind be?
Though I learned incredibly much,
Felt the terrible pain of realizing reality and feel better now

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L-F
Posts: 1131
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
Gender:
Australia

Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by L-F » Thu Mar 29, 2018 8:47 am

Endgame wrote:
Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:32 pm
Wow I remember this thread from way back. Made me aware how long I've been lurking around these parts in various guises ha! and nice to remember some old 'faces' from back then.

It was and still is a good thread.

My LO and I really truly tried this and failed, horribly. My fault. We both agreed to the friendzone and it sent me batshit crazy....I think full-blown LE was calmer.

But that's not necessarily a good benchmark....thats friendship with an LO after there has been reciprocation. Which is very hard to shove back in Pandora's box, without superhero levels of discipline (and one person not going all Fatal Attraction).

I do agree marriage is it's own perpetuating prison. It creates a guilt to being friends openly with members of the opposite sex if there is attraction. We don't choose friends who we aren't at least mentally attracted to. We often choose aspirational friends or people who make us feel good. So go figure. And then it cannot be open. But again...im not a good benchmark. I've come to believe that marriage itself is a con of the societal rather than our natural human state. So shoot me; bad blood.
Endgame, do you still think marriage is a con? And. Do you feel you could have been friends had there been no reciprocation? I'm wondering if being friends is easy or just another way to torment ourselves.
I don't think inside the box.
I don't think outside of it either.
In my world, the box doesn't exist.
LF

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Rothko
Posts: 233
Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2014 10:01 pm

Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Rothko » Tue Apr 03, 2018 12:24 am

I like it when an old thread pops up on the rare occasions when I still pop my head in to this forum. :)

God it's been 3 years now since LO and I worked together. We did try the friendship thing for a while, but as I thought it would on page 2 or 3 of this very thread, it just drifted; after 18 months or so I felt like I was the one doing all the running so that was it- I stopped texting and arranging meet-ups.

I sometimes get the odd text from LO out of the blue, but nothing ever comes of it. Not had one since before Christmas though and I don't exactly sit waiting by the phone in anticipation. I did send a message to her works e-mail the other week- the first time I've initiated contact in probably 12 months- but it bounced back, so either she's left or her e-mail address has changed.

It was a stupid thing to do really but I'd had some really good news, and even though I've barely spoken to her in 3 years, she was still the first person I wanted to share it with. Crazy.I don't know why I did it- she doesn't care about me- but in the absence of anyone in my real life who does seem to care, the memory of her serves as some kind of imaginary friend. It sounds ridiculous, but I do retreat into this silly fantasy now and again- it's not LO who I'm with in these daydreams, it's a completely idealised version of her. Even now, LO is still the template for any attractions that I have- if women catch my eye in the street or on the TV or wherever, it's always because there's something vaguely LO about them, whether it's hairstyle, accent, bone structure or some other individual characteristic that reminds me of her.

In 2018 I'm completely over limerence at the same time as never being over it. That probably makes more sense to me than it will do to anyone else!

Windy1
Posts: 285
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Windy1 » Tue Apr 03, 2018 2:56 am

Rothko, thank you for taking the time to resurface on this board. Your posts from 3 years ago really resonate with me and my situation. Have you made any improvements in your LTR?
I totally get the duality of your limerence; I was limerent for a girl in India about 25 years ago and although I’m not limerent for her I still have thoughts about her. I don’t think I will ever forget my current LO even if I never see or hear from her again.
M-46-married
LO- married 47,work colleagues

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