Sticky - Can we ever be friends with our LO's?

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
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Nax
Posts: 282
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 9:01 am

Re: Sticky - Can we ever be friends with our LO's?

Post by Nax » Sat Nov 05, 2016 10:40 pm

He showed absolutely no interest in meeting in person for over 9 months. The last time I saw him he promised he'd make up for letting me travel to the other side of the world and then practically ignoring me for a week. He's never mentioned it since. It's made me realize that I'm not interesting to him on a romantic level. He really doesn't care how I feel.
At the same time he has made it clear that he does want to stay friends. For two months I refused to call him and he called me almost every day. I think now that a friend was what I needed. My SO also has been very understanding and accepting of my friendship with LO and that has made everything easier.
I still have occasional lapses but it's more nostalgia for the good times. Too much has happened since then for me to feel that way about him again.

bellyprawn
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Joined: Tue Dec 06, 2016 1:50 am

Re: Sticky - Can we ever be friends with our LO's?

Post by bellyprawn » Tue Dec 06, 2016 1:56 am

I was able to be friends with my LO, after my limerence moved on to another person. My limerence has always stuck on one person for awhile until someone more "attainable" comes along. ie someone I see more often, or are more likely to "have a chance with". Otherwise it would have been soul crushing to remain friends.

movingon
Posts: 90
Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2016 5:19 am

Re: Sticky - Can we ever be friends with our LO's?

Post by movingon » Sun Dec 25, 2016 5:01 am

My experience is "no." These relationships are just too difficult and developed through a really strange and abnormally intense dynamic.
i met my first lo one final time in 2011 to get this final conversation for closure i had always wanted. this was nearlg 8 years after it all started. our conversation was good. i met him thinking i was over him. he actually tried to explain his past behavior and apologized. it was really everything one could wish for to get final closure. then i made the mistake and kissed him when we said our good-byes. i really wanted to know if kissing him still felt the same way. unfortunately it did. the following weeks i caught myself fantasizing about him again. we then tried to be friends through social media and even briefly talked about meeting again. we lived in 2 different countries far away from each other. but then we just kept getting into these arguments online. he said to me that i sounded like a "broken record". saying the same things over and over again for years and years and then i realized that even as friends we were still arguing about the same things. we still had the same problems. it just didn't work. i completely lashed out on him on new year's eve 2011 to burn down all bridges behind me. there was no going back after the email i sent and it's the best this way. too many hurtful things happened between us. we can't be friends and now 5 years later i can honestly say i don't want to be his friend. i have no desire to ever speak with him again.
i think if you want to be friends with your lo someday it just shows you still have hope to keep him in your life. you can't have hope to move on i believe. :|

marko
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Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm

Re: Sticky - Can we ever be friends with our LO's?

Post by marko » Wed May 10, 2017 4:42 pm

I agree it would be hard to be a friend. I'm not so sure any relationship isn't based on self serving at some level. I'm at a point we could be light friends, but why? Part of me can't stop the brain game, part wants sex as well, but that wouldn't go away. Even though we have lots of contact and lots to talk about, we don't have relationship like conversations. What she wants from me, and me from her are not friend building. As I think a head I really only want to know if I still have a shot. Now if we'd do some things as well, that's,fine too.

sydney0845
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Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2016 4:27 pm

Re: Sticky - Can we ever be friends with our LO's?

Post by sydney0845 » Thu May 11, 2017 12:23 pm

I am well down the path of being friends with my LO now. I've known her almost a year, and realised I liked her on about day 2. The friendship seems to have developed as part of a small group, so it would be difficult to go NC now. The group of four seems a really close group (my, SO, LO (single) and another woman (single), where any two of us would I think be good friends independently. If nothing else its been kind of fascinating being in a group with three woman - SO, LO and someone I don't have those sorts of feelings for.

But something seems to have glued us together - LO lives pretty far from the three of us, and yet I will have seen LO nine times in the space of a year, over weekends usually. Twice just the two of us at hers, as friends, in my SO's knowledge. This is way more than other friends we have known for years, so there must be something on a friendship level going on between my SO, the other woman (who has known LO a lot longer).

Whatever the reason, whatever the glue, I find myself a year down the line with my LO as someone I would consider one of my best friends. Its definitely hard sometimes, and may always be, I don't know. But I know I definitely wouldn't change anything, or wish that I hadn't met her. She's a great person to have as a friend, there isn't (AFAICT) any narcissistic stuff from her, or mind games, or weird push pull of flirting. It does just seem, pure and simple, like we just really get on well, find the same things funny, and generally enjoy each other's company.

marko
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Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm

Re: Sticky - Can we ever be friends with our LO's?

Post by marko » Thu May 11, 2017 6:53 pm

My hopes and fears of this are 2 weeks from being tested. She's mentioned things to do, and as friends we would do them. If not, I'll spend just a little too much time checking my email for an invite that would inevitably never appear. Then I'll know even that is a myth. :cry:

Ignacio
Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Apr 26, 2017 2:52 am

Re: Sticky - Can we ever be friends with our LO's?

Post by Ignacio » Sat Jun 24, 2017 1:35 am

I recall a video on youtube david made about being friends with our LO's. He said its like taking cocaine its that dopamine rush that gets us. My irrational side is saying basically (to make a metaphor) its okay to take the cocaine because I'm not already addicted. It's okay for me to get in contact with my interest because I'm not limerent yet. I would say NO we cannot be friends with our LO because the constant expose is like taking drugs, and just like we need more drugs to get the same high we'll need more contact and control over our LO to achieve the same joy we derive from them. That being said I don't know how any of you feel but my ideal relationship is more than just friends but not so much as a romantic partner. somewhere nudged between friend zoned and romance. Or perhaps its what you'd call a BFF. I want to be with her and feel free to express anything. discuss deep things together. I want to have the benefit of a romantic partner without romance. I don't want to feel obliged to spend time with her, I don't want to feel obliged to be romantic and be emotionally tied. Yes I want a degree of joy and emotion in our relationship but I want to be close friends. I want a relationship that doesn't need to be romantic, yet we can spend hours together just hanging out and without the judgment of other saying we're dating. I don't want to lose that bond through marriage so I want us to be exclusive. You see the idea that she could having sex or pouring out her emotions to someone else is a bit uncomfortable because of the intrinsic need to posses all we desire. Also whenever one gets married they must reduce time spent with the opposite sex because passions can ignite between those who are not mates. Not always but it is unhealthy to share certain emotions that can draw people together when our devotion is to our mate. She had a friend like this I'm guessing she had dedicated a post to him on the Instagram after he was getting married and mentioned how they became good friends yet never romantically involved and how she is happy for him and his fiancée. I want that relationship not just for a short time but forever never having to worry about losing her to a mate and we can no longer be as close. I guess I want a friend I can share all my deep thoughts with and not worry about falling in limerence with them. Not just other guy friends but a girl friend (notice the space). I just worry that still being young I might develop feelings beyond the bounds of the relationship, or she might, or other people might want to get us closer into a romantic relationship and stir up these feelings. my interest call her "A" is as cute as a button and I think we would really hit it off. Maybe one day, but for now just read my signature (sitting, waiting, wishing in case I ever change it)
Sitting, waiting, wishing
Jack Johnson
Ignacio

Pudding
Posts: 500
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am

Re: Sticky - Can we ever be friends with our LO's?

Post by Pudding » Sat Jun 24, 2017 1:51 am

Right now I feel a desperate desire to be LO's friend. I don't know if this feeling is being made worse by the limerence, or the fact that over the last year I have become quite friendly (to the point of meeting for drinks and whatnot on weekends and over summer vacation) with many of the other teachers and staff at the school where LO works. If he weren't a male and weren't my LO, we would likely already be friends. But because of the gender difference, and of course the limerence, it can't happen. And that's making the limerence feel even worse.
F 37
LO is M 34, my son’s teacher

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