Friends with LO or LO who is a friend

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
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sydney0845
Posts: 320
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2016 4:27 pm

Friends with LO or LO who is a friend

Post by sydney0845 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:46 pm

Might these be two subtly different things.

Having an LO who you don't really know that well, or maybe don't even like that much for whatever reason. Difficult to form a friendship with.

Versus having someone who is a friend, who you know quite well, and like a lot. So much that they become an LO.

In the former, there may be little long term gains, because post limerence all you're left with is someone you don't know that well.

But in the later the long term gain is retaining a potentially great friendship.

It's a bit chicken and egg, what comes first, the friendship or the LE?

WonkyBrainThe2nd
Posts: 186
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:32 pm

Re: Friends with LO or LO who is a friend

Post by WonkyBrainThe2nd » Fri Mar 10, 2017 10:13 am

I wouldn't consider myself friends with my LO, although he shares personal info with me. The limerence kicked in very early and left us like rabbits in headlights who were constantly in performing mode. The elephant in the room just made it too weird to act like buddies. I found myself confused as to who he had fallen for exactly as I'd shared little information about myself. Who did he think I was? What had I been like in the conversations he'd had with me in his head? If I spoke too much would I spoil that illusion? So I didn't feel very free to be myself around him. Had I not fancied him, we would have got on way better. But there would never be any escaping the sexual aspect of it.

I've been in the other situation you mentioned too (twice), where you're great friends first and then it develops into limerence, but in each case I was the LO. Both disclosed and both friendships consequently broke down. In the case of limerence it frequently seems that rejection isn't the end of it. They want to talk it over and over, don't entirely accept the rejection, never get closure, and continue to ask questions about why. I'd feel like I was rejecting them over and over again, and it just made me feel bad about myself. And it also made me feel unheard. In both cases, too, it felt like they'd created a vision in their head of what the relationship would be like like, that didn't match up to who I was as a person, so I also felt unseen. It was like they had a fantasy version of me in their head and they were trying to squeeze me into this version of me they had created. Anyway, after two years of trying to get them back into friendship mode and realising this wasn't possible, I dropped contact. Felt bad about it but didn't really know what else to do.

Of course, now that I've experienced limerence myself, I understand their behaviour more and realise I didn't handle the situations very well. In my experience, limerence doesn't make for good long lasting friendship situations, especially if one discloses. But one of the things I've realised from the forum is that everyone is different and it's not a case of one piece of advice fits all.

sydney0845
Posts: 320
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2016 4:27 pm

Re: Friends with LO or LO who is a friend

Post by sydney0845 » Fri Mar 10, 2017 12:34 pm

I think spoiling the friendship would be my greatest fear. Complicated by the fact that my SO is friends with LO too.

I like to think if anything did slip out ever, I would be able to accept it. I think if that happened it would just confirm my best hunch anyway - that I'm probably not her type, and that even if I was, her moral compass would rule me out on account of being married, and especially being married to someone she considered a friend.

In your case, was it only because the person kept on about it that killed the friendship? Had they been a bit more accepting do you think they would have survived mostly unscathed?

WonkyBrainThe2nd
Posts: 186
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:32 pm

Re: Friends with LO or LO who is a friend

Post by WonkyBrainThe2nd » Fri Mar 10, 2017 12:44 pm

Yes, I imagine it would make her uncomfortable around your SO too and would affect their friendship.

I would have loved to have stayed friends with them, yes, and would have done had they not kept bringing it up. I do think it would have altered the friendship though. I doubt I would have felt so comfortable opening up with them. In both cases I felt guilty that me being so close to them had fuelled their feelings, and I would have changed my behaviour towards them had we remained friends.

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