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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Posted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 4:37 am
by Watchmaker
Mind is racing tonight. Several updates and 'popcorn thoughts'.
  • On Friday, SO and I sat DD down and told her we are taking some space and separating. More thoughts on this are on the SO 4th affair thread.
  • It's been 3 weeks NC with LO. Feels like I've aged 5 years
  • NC really feels a bit more like LC, which really kinda sucks sometimes. LO and family is to move out of the neighborhood in December. They're no longer across the street, but still in this neighborhood in a short term rental until the new-construction house is ready. New construction house, is only about a mile or two from here; very close to where my parents live. With LO still in this hood, she pulls up and makes appearances in 2 of my next door neighbors' driveways, sometimes when I'm there and/or in my garage, and/or pulling in myself. So awkward with dodging any eye contact or engagement. Pretending I don't have a tidal wave surge of conflicting emotions with such continued repetitive proximity. SUCKS!!!
  • I've developed a closer friendship with another female neighbor (no, I swear and promise it's NOT limerence!). This other neighbor has also been friends with SO and I the last 5 years, and feels sorry for our plight. As our families are close, we've shared our story and issues with this other neighbor lady. And while also friends with my LO, they're not necessarily bosom buddies. This other neighbor lady shared that she's always know my LO to be a MAJOR FLIRT, and (as others of you on this forum have opined and suspected), LO has indeed gotten into trouble before with other guys/dudes in the neighborhood.
  • I continue to (ravenously and without satiety) comb and devour the internet to shorten my learning curves with these things related to limerence, relationships, and psychology, etc. IN my googling and youtubing, I've come to learn a lot more about the hot & cold behaviors and push/pull behaviors... apparently such things are exactly the stuff that draws people in and gets them hooked and addicted/enslaved... reading about the hot/cold and push/pull, I felt like I was reading a play by play description of my LO's behaviors with me... I believe as for my LO, it's through sheer force of personality - this is how she is and is wired... much like her father - the life of the party, congenial, magnanimous, inviting and open. In fact the strip of the block where LO's last house was is now dead. Everyone seemed to like her. They had that house that everyone descended upon. She was the mom that would have 3 or 4 boys for an overnight sleepover... super-mom, making her son happy, etc. I believe in her case, it is largely personality, and not malice... not like she's a 'player' with 'game'. But in my studies and learning, apparently for some people out there it's straight up intentionally manipulative tactics and strategy!
  • My SO recently said she also had a 'girl-crush' on LO... and, even if only surface and innocent, it kind of messed with my head a bit. Not limerent... not sexual attraction or lesbian proclivity/propensity or anything like that... but my SO said "If I was, I would"... that's the sort of shit that can mess with even a non-limerent guy!... I'm tellin ya, this LO of mine charms everybody! ;;)
~

And now a real kicker:
LO called SO today. SO told me about it... though we're separated we're still in daily contact, etc... and even though my LE is a source of pain and discomfort, we still talk some of these things through to try to make sense of it and articulate where things stand, and how we are processing, etc. ANYWAYS, LO had been wanting to follow up with my SO since LO's recent move to ask how she's doing and to let her know she's there (even though her own marriage is not well either). But LO hadn't wanted to tell this to SO in front of me.

LO reiterated to my SO about how she had become uncomfortable with me after disclosure, and she needed to lay down some boundaries and take some space "FOR A WHILE". This kicked my limer-brain into gear. I had been thinking the friendship was totally irreparably damaged and lost forever. But now it sounds like there's a possibility LO might come around to communicate and/or potentially open comms again.

Not sure if LO knows about my SO's infidelities. However, a couple of other neighbor ladies apparently told LO that SO and I are either on the rocks, or separated. Also, one of these other neighbor ladies (the gossip of the neighborhood, and a real 'know-it-all' who seems to judge everyone, and is also really a witchy woman) had the gall to tell LO that the marriage of SO and I being on the rocks is LO's fault! But here's the thing, although (as far as we know LO doesn't know about my SO's infidelities), this witchy neighbor lady does know about my SO's infidelities. So how then would she accuse LO of breaking us up?

This is all so juicy... too much drama... to complex and layered to even keep track of... who needs soap operas?!?

Also, as reported by SO about this call: neither LO now SO told each other or mentioned about my LE disclosures.

Now, I must keep fighting the good fight and double down my efforts even more fiercely to resist breaking NC.



:-l

Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Posted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 4:27 pm
by NVTS
As hard as NC is in the first few weeks, trust me it gets better.

Our LO’s seem to be cut from the same cloth of gregariousness. The positive energy I felt whenever I was around her was absolutely intoxicating. With NC I realized that energy came from within and she just triggered it.

Her “soulmate” role if you will, was to show me that I have a similar effect on people and to let it flow. When I counsel patients and families I can feel that energy and I am thanked profusely sometimes.

Peace and strength to you WM, we’re all rooting for you!!

Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Posted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 5:32 pm
by NoDayDreaming
NVTS wrote:
Tue Oct 08, 2019 4:27 pm
The positive energy I felt whenever I was around her was absolutely intoxicating. With NC I realized that energy came from within and she just triggered it.

Her “soulmate” role if you will, was to show me that I have a similar effect on people and to let it flow. When I counsel patients and families I can feel that energy and I am thanked profusely sometimes.
sorry to hijack the discussion, but are you talking about kindness and compassion to others as that energy? some people have that effect on me too, and it's good, because i can give more.

Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Posted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 10:01 pm
by Watchmaker
NVTS wrote:
Tue Oct 08, 2019 4:27 pm
As hard as NC is in the first few weeks, trust me it gets better.

Our LO’s seem to be cut from the same cloth of gregariousness. The positive energy I felt whenever I was around her was absolutely intoxicating. With NC I realized that energy came from within and she just triggered it.

Her “soulmate” role if you will, was to show me that I have a similar effect on people and to let it flow. When I counsel patients and families I can feel that energy and I am thanked profusely sometimes.

Peace and strength to you WM, we’re all rooting for you!!

NVTS, as always thanks for the encouragement. Channeling and harnessing/tempering the positive energy into something constructive and beneficial sounds like a good goal.

Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Posted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 11:33 pm
by Bridget
Watchmaker wrote:
Tue Oct 08, 2019 4:37 am
  • I continue to (ravenously and without satiety) comb and devour the internet to shorten my learning curves with these things related to limerence, relationships, and psychology, etc. IN my googling and youtubing, I've come to learn a lot more about the hot & cold behaviors and push/pull behaviors... apparently such things are exactly the stuff that draws people in and gets them hooked and addicted/enslaved... reading about the hot/cold and push/pull, I felt like I was reading a play by play description of my LO's behaviors with me... I believe as for my LO, it's through sheer force of personality - this is how she is and is wired... much like her father - the life of the party, congenial, magnanimous, the life of the party, inviting and open. In fact the strip of the block where LO's last house was is now dead. Everyone seemed to like her. They had that house that everyone descended upon. She was the mom that would have 3 or 4 boys for an overnight sleepover... super-mom, making her son happy, etc. I believe in her case, it is largely personality, and not malice... not like she's a 'player' with 'game'. But in my studies and learning, apparently for some people out there it's straight up intentionally manipulative tactics and strategy!
  • My SO recently said she also had a 'girl-crush' on LO... and, even if only surface and innocent, it kind of messed with my head a bit. Not limerent... not sexual attraction or lesbian proclivity/propensity or anything like that... but my SO said "If I was, I would"... that's the sort of shit that can mess with even a non-limerent guy!... I'm tellin ya, this LO of mine charms everybody! ;;)
The hot/cold, on/off, push/pull element of limerence is very powerful, IMO. I'm pretty sure that if my last LO had just been more consistent in hanging out with me, I wouldn't have become limerent. But the thing to keep in mind is our LOs' intentions aren't terribly relevant to our plights; whether they are trying to manipulate us or they are just wired that way, we lose our friggin' minds because of it and we're better off keeping our distance.

That's going to be really difficult for you after all the gossip you've gathered. Yikes...plenty of fuel for ruminating! I'm really impressed by how well you're maintaining NC(LC) and hope you can continue.

One last thing... I'm curious about why your neighbor's "girl-crush" comment messed with your head. Have you never heard of the that expression before? What about "bro-mance"? I don't know how common they are, but I know I've felt that way about women I thought were pretty awesome.

Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Posted: Wed Oct 09, 2019 3:02 am
by NVTS
@dd: yes in our line of work kindness and compassion are key. I always knew that I was good at communicating and connecting with others but LO was just an expert at it and she showed me that I was just as good(for a guy) at this. I told her this and she mentioned the soulmate connection.

Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Posted: Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:02 pm
by Watchmaker
Bridget wrote:
Tue Oct 08, 2019 11:33 pm

That's going to be really difficult for you after all the gossip you've gathered. Yikes...plenty of fuel for ruminating! I'm really impressed by how well you're maintaining NC(LC) and hope you can continue.

One last thing... I'm curious about why your neighbor's "girl-crush" comment messed with your head. Have you never heard of the that expression before? What about "bro-mance"? I don't know how common they are, but I know I've felt that way about women I thought were pretty awesome.
Even before all this new gossip came to light... even though NC has been maintained for the last 3 weeks, every time the phone rings or text message alert sounds, I still wonder if maybe it might be LO.

Maybe things aren't as bad as I was a month or two ago, but still a struggle. I feel like I used to be so much more of an alpha, and now I've been filed down to a beta. :-l

~

The girl-crush comment was my wife saying she had one for my LO neighbor... she said "If I was, I would" meaning if she liked women she'd be into/make a move for my LO. Clearly, there is no bi/les background that my SO has, and I'm just hyper-sensitive and over analyzing it. But still, it was just one more comment... one more thought to complicate things in my crazy brain.

Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2019 9:42 am
by Watchmaker
As I’m seeing a spike/surge in the friendship with my LO and my SO, there’s this desire to tell LO the truth about SO’s infidelities.

Ultimately, these lady neighbors who have been friends with both my SO and myself are going to have to realize/conclude that my wife is the kind of woman who wouldn’t think twice about giving another married guy a BJ.

Like... don’t you get it?... while you’re doing the ‘girls club’ thing and standing by and sticking up for her, but just consider if YOUR husband(s) got serviced by my wife!!!!!

Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:41 pm
by Constant123
Hello Watchmaker. I truly do understand what you are going through. I’m here to be the voice that says do not send that text. The temporary feeling you will get will soon give way to regret and consequences. I care for your situation and believe me I can relate. I want to say that his woman does not seem like she’s in a place to take your text kindly.

Sucks to hear I know. Something I have been for thinking about with my LO is that if he wanted contact with me he would. I believe he does not contact me out a moral code he has. Nevertheless , he’s not reaching out. Maybe in the back of your mind your hoping if she knows about your situation she will be supportive. Is there anyone else who could be genuinely supportive at this time ?

I’m so sorry for what you are going through with your wife. I hope that you can find love again and a mutually happy relationship. Sending strength to you. I have written out my text today to LO and didn’t hit send. Hoping and praying I stay and don’t.

Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Posted: Fri Oct 11, 2019 3:41 am
by Watchmaker
Constant123 wrote:
Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:41 pm
Hello Watchmaker. I truly do understand what you are going through. I’m here to be the voice that says do not send that text. The temporary feeling you will get will soon give way to regret and consequences. I care for your situation and believe me I can relate. I want to say that his woman does not seem like she’s in a place to take your text kindly.

Sucks to hear I know. Something I have been for thinking about with my LO is that if he wanted contact with me he would. I believe he does not contact me out a moral code he has. Nevertheless , he’s not reaching out. Maybe in the back of your mind your hoping if she knows about your situation she will be supportive. Is there anyone else who could be genuinely supportive at this time ?

I’m so sorry for what you are going through with your wife. I hope that you can find love again and a mutually happy relationship. Sending strength to you. I have written out my text today to LO and didn’t hit send. Hoping and praying I stay and don’t.
SO was telling me that LO felt bad about having to put down such harsh boundaries for me, and felt bad when I was unraveling and crying. And that she just needed space for a while. So I guess I felt hope and optimism. But I also now can't help but wonder if SO is playing me, and telling me things I want to hear... or testing me to see if I'd reach out to LO. SO now has this proven and demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt history of behavior in bending the narrative, playing cards, withholding the truth, etc. It's hard for me not to wonder if I'm being lied to. But really, she's not at all the type to play me, or play anybody. But such mixed signals, even as the relationship star is rising between SO and LO. Who needs soap operas?!?

Here's to sanity and health!