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The Slow Burn of NC

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
mamasita
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by mamasita » Thu Oct 03, 2019 4:22 pm

Watchmaker wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 2:49 am
As I said in one of my first posts "what I experienced and felt for/with LO couldn’t hold a candle to any other ‘crushes’ or ‘infatuations’ I may have had before – all of which were mere child’s play compared to this."

But again, I'm sure many of you wiser veterans who have traveled the path before are probably nodding and smiling at what you must observe as my freshmen naiveté. This is just what I can feel/believe/see/imagine at this point in time.

I wouldn't ever want another LE again. And I wouldn't ever want another LO again... I only have eyes for her... if that makes any sense from my whacked out limerbrain.

I have much to learn, and I really appreciate how you (and many others) can tell us newbies some unadulterated, non-sugar-coated hard truths in love that we need to hear.

Oh well... here's to the journey! :ymsigh:
I haven't been limerent before. Not like this. I don't think you HAVE to have multiple limerent episodes, all life long.
BUT if I'm being honest, I've manged feelings of grief and loss and disappointment in other, equally unhealthy ways. Always distracting myself away from things that troubled me or that I couldn't solve. LO has just become the newest catalyst to get my attention and force me to dig within to some areas that I have forgotten or masked over with distractions. I wanted TRUE recovery and to TRULY get this person out of my head, as much as it hurt.
I hope to look back on the past few years with gratefulness that I finally looked inside and made active attempts to heal ME. Limerents tend to be givers. To everyone else. Recovery from limerence very much has been me learning how to have appropriate boundaries and learn the true meaning of self love. You will get there!

L-F
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by L-F » Thu Oct 03, 2019 4:24 pm

L-F wrote:
Wed Oct 02, 2019 7:16 pm
Sharing goals, dreams, hopes, desires, pain, troubles...
The post above doesn't refer to you specifically WM. I'm not sure if you correspond with your LO this way or how you met. I'm talking in general.
Last edited by L-F on Thu Oct 03, 2019 11:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

L-F
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by L-F » Thu Oct 03, 2019 4:36 pm

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Last edited by L-F on Sat Oct 26, 2019 7:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Pattihopeful
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Pattihopeful » Thu Oct 03, 2019 6:01 pm

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Last edited by Pattihopeful on Mon Oct 07, 2019 11:58 am, edited 4 times in total.

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Watchmaker
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Watchmaker » Thu Oct 03, 2019 6:04 pm

Pattihopeful wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 12:23 pm
Before my disclosure, I thought he was at a minimum a forever friend who would always be there and I for him. The loss of that is a deep grief. I keep getting those deep ways of pain.

I,am starting to see his bad qualities. You have been through so much and I am sorry you have the pain of LE on top of it.

Yes, they have some good qualities. But there is darkness there too.
Hi PH, appreciate your insights here. It is indeed sad and grievious losing a friendship. I too very much see my LO's bad qualities, and sometimes get angry about it. But then I realize the good ones again too. I guess that's all part of the roller coaster. Darkness with LO? Oh year, for sure! But this played into my 'rescue complex' which frankly was at work upon meeting my SO 22 years ago. :|

Pattihopeful wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 12:23 pm
I am using LO to fill something in me that can't be filled. He plays a part too and likes the ego boost. We are both in need of healing.

It hurts when we disclose and get dumped. It feels like a break up because it kind of is. Right now, before you make any big decisions, remember your thinking is clouded by this deep grief. You will start to feel better. You will wake up and realize she is not the first thing on your mind.
Yep - a few people on the forum suggested the 'wound mates' phenomenon concerning LO and me... and I can't deny, I think it must have been the case with us. :(


Pattihopeful wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 12:23 pm
Do I remember you saying you had an affair too at one point? I could be wrong so if I am, please forgive me. The reason I ask is you were talking about serial limmerance. Were you limerant then? Have you dealt with that?

I hope you are ok and know there are people who care.
I did have a one time encounter with one person 10+ years ago. It was not limerence, but old fashioned carnal lust and a bad choice between consenting adults. I have not previously been limerent before LO.

But yeah, we dealt with that, went through counseling and restoration, etc. SO made me quit my job prematurely, get an STD test, and kicked me out of the house. With SO's 4 affairs in recent years, she has done no such thing. Sick, and hypocritical double standards!!! I digress. Well, that's changing because SO is outta here starting this weekend!

Some have opine that I opened pandora's box by striking first with my indiscretion. But I would argue that two wrongs don't make a right! And now SO has had 4 (that we know of) to my 1... but, who's keeping score? ;)
M, 42
LO F, 36
LE began 5 years ago, or this year (not sure)
Disclosed to SO

"The watchmaker works all day and long into the night
He pieces things together, despite his failing sight"

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Watchmaker
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Watchmaker » Thu Oct 03, 2019 6:12 pm

mamasita wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 4:22 pm

I haven't been limerent before. Not like this. I don't think you HAVE to have multiple limerent episodes, all life long.
BUT if I'm being honest, I've manged feelings of grief and loss and disappointment in other, equally unhealthy ways. Always distracting myself away from things that troubled me or that I couldn't solve. LO has just become the newest catalyst to get my attention and force me to dig within to some areas that I have forgotten or masked over with distractions.

This is a good and thought provoking point! Obviously, on a limerence forum, LE is the star of the show, front and center, and gets the focus. But perhaps limerence, in a sense, could be applied in other ways (outside of relationships). The way we distract ourselves from pain and heavy lifting by pouring ourselves into other addictions, into our work, into chasing unattainable ideals, relegating our identity to having the house, the career, the cars. Makes me think of the likes of Marilyn Monroe and Michael Jackson... two profoundly cautionary tales of those who achieved so much, climbed the ladder to the top, but found they were empty.

Of course, a conscientious Christian would say that only God/Christ is the end all/be all that can fill the hole in our soul... sounds like a sermon message.

LE is but one symptom or fruit that tells the tale of the tree.
M, 42
LO F, 36
LE began 5 years ago, or this year (not sure)
Disclosed to SO

"The watchmaker works all day and long into the night
He pieces things together, despite his failing sight"

L-F
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by L-F » Thu Oct 03, 2019 7:19 pm

I'm not sure of your situation WM. I wish you all the best. Sounds like a stressful time. Take care of yourself!
Last edited by L-F on Thu Oct 03, 2019 11:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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Watchmaker
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Watchmaker » Thu Oct 03, 2019 9:23 pm

Wow, you're really on a roll today.
M, 42
LO F, 36
LE began 5 years ago, or this year (not sure)
Disclosed to SO

"The watchmaker works all day and long into the night
He pieces things together, despite his failing sight"

Bridget
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Bridget » Thu Oct 03, 2019 11:16 pm

mamasita wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 4:22 pm

I hope to look back on the past few years with gratefulness that I finally looked inside and made active attempts to heal ME. Limerents tend to be givers. To everyone else. Recovery from limerence very much has been me learning how to have appropriate boundaries and learn the true meaning of self love. You will get there!
Love this perspective, Mamasita! I wish you the same thing!

Bridget
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Re: The Slow Burn of NC

Post by Bridget » Thu Oct 03, 2019 11:28 pm

Watchmaker wrote:
Thu Oct 03, 2019 6:04 pm

But yeah, we dealt with that, went through counseling and restoration, etc. SO made me quit my job prematurely, get an STD test, and kicked me out of the house. With SO's 4 affairs in recent years, she has done no such thing. Sick, and hypocritical double standards!!! I digress. Well, that's changing because SO is outta here starting this weekend!

Some have opine that I opened pandora's box by striking first with my indiscretion. But I would argue that two wrongs don't make a right! And now SO has had 4 (that we know of) to my 1... but, who's keeping score? ;)
Praying for you, WM. I imagine SO moving out could have a big emotional impact on you.

It's none of my business, so feel free to ignore or tell me "MYOB", but how is your daughter doing. My parents separated and eventually divorced right after I turned 4. That initial period of separation left scars that I didn't recognize until I was middle-aged, so I'm feeling for your daughter (and probably projecting 8-| ).

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