I keep pulling up our texting thread (which I have to scroll way down to find now… it used to always be one of my most current threads). I keep staring at your contact picture. How unbelievably beautiful you are. I keep trying to think of something to say to break NC. I keep starting to type something, but never actually send anything. Dangerous, considering that one accidental touch of the screen could accidentally/inadvertently send a message.
But I keep imagining what could I text to you?
- “How r u?”
- "How are your kids doing in life/school/sports?"
- “Did you ever tell your SO about my madness?”
- “Hey, I was doing (xyz) the other day and it made me think of you!”
- “I’m so sorry for disclosing, still feeling like shit, and I really f’d up ☹”
- “I hope you feel like I’ve been respecting your boundaries since you told me off.”
- “Do you hate me? Is the whole entire friendship (even if only platonic/neighborly) over forever?
- “I’m sorry to hear about your Dad. I hope he gets the treatment he needs and gets well soon.”
- “I hope you can forgive me. Would you please give me another chance at friendship?”
- “It hurts so bad that you’ve rejected me, but you want to continue being friends with my serial cheater SO.”
- “It is insanely awkward when we’re at our mutual neighbor friend’s house, and you show up and we avoid each other and avoid eye contact, etc.”
I keep re-reading our whole text history (only a year’s worth, since I had the damn history limit set on my smartphone.) We were such prolific texters and had epic threads. You would open up to me about your marriage, family and life. You would text me on vacation. You would text me late at night and into the wee hours. You would send me pictures of you and your family. You would remember my birthday (even though it is the same as your Dad's, it always felt amazing to hear from you on my birthday). You would counsel me, encourage me, pray for me (and I for you). We would laugh and have LOLs at the neighborhood gossip, or just finding something amusing and distracting to make the day go by. You would reach out to me when you needed something. You would even be flirtatious. You would let me care for you, and help you with certain things... but not too much, as you're a proud woman and don't like to take handouts and gifts, etc. And I exhibited and matched all these same behaviors and more - in my texting to you.
I wish I could tell you about my health updates. I wish I could tell you about how my daughter is growing up. I wish I could tell you about how I’m pursuing IC. I wish I could tell you about how my SO just disclosed her 4th affair to me, and how I’m kicking her out. I wish I could tell you about how we’re in MC and hoping it won’t be too little, too late. I wish you would choose friendship with me over friendship with my serial cheater SO.
But I went and screwed up everything by disclosing, weirding you out, making you uncomfortable, offending you, etc.
And the ‘girls club’ is a force not to be trifled with – how you stick together and stick up for each other (often flying in the face of reason, logic, justice and equity)… but we’ll save that for another thread/post some time.
I wish I could tell you about how I discovered this thing called limerence and explain more about the psychology of things.
But then again, I struggle thinking that LE is all about me. It’s really hard to delineate or demarcate between being deceived vs. being confident. To me, it is/was NOT all a lie or a mirage… to me, I have NEVER felt such love, care, lust, interest, attraction, connection with someone like I did/do for you LO.
I was genuinely interested in you, your life, and your welfare. I genuinely care for your family, your parents, your children… your health, your happiness (I guess I messed with your happiness with my LE). NRE?... I don't know if 5 years later still qualifies as being 'new'. But from my perspective, the relationship energy just grew and grew. To me, I've thought for a long time now that it may have been love at first sight with you. From the very first moment I met you, you were glowing and had this light. I felt something in my soul from day one.
It seems questionable for everything to be relegated to limerence only. But I do know: it is the very nature of a blind spot that everyone else around you can see it but you.
In my heart of hearts, what did I ever want?... What do I really want?... Not consummation… not home-wrecking… not riding off into the sunset… not disrupting the trajectory of our lives and families, etc. I want your friendship, validation, support, encouragement, laughter, happiness, flirtation, affirmation, nearness, presence, etc. And all these things I want from you, I also want to give to you and provide the same to you!
One of the greatest, most romantic and tear jerking poignant expressions of devotion I’ve seen in film is from martial arts movie “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”. The great warrior returns from his zen/transcendence endeavors atop the mystical mountain. He entered a place of enlightenment that even his masters never told him about. But when he achieved this zenith experience, he felt ultimately unfulfilled and lonely. He realized he didn't want to do life without the woman he loves the most! So he left transcendent bliss to go back and declare his love for her. As their dangerous adventures ensue, he is eventually struck by a poisonous dart by his adversary. In his dying breath, he finally declares his love to his woman.
And what he says… is so amazing. He says something to the effect of (I’m paraphrasing): “I would rather be a ghost floating by your side for the rest of eternity than to be without you.”
I didn’t want all the rejection, misery, home-wrecking, loss and destruction. All I want is to be in each other’s lives; by each other’s sides.
But alas, it seems all is lost and I’ve ruined it forever.
Interestingly, I am now processing some layers of anger with you. Though I may not have a lot of ‘right’ to do so or to be so. I’m sure maybe the ‘majority’ of anger could really be directed at myself. I messed things up so big time and made you miserable in some ways. But prior to that, I know the friendship was brighter and more mutually helpful. I really hurt and offended you. At the same time, you’ve proven yourself quite effective and skillful at hurting me. I still feel pissed from time to time at how you scolded me in front of my daughter... then again, I did deserve it as it was in the height of my LE. Some of this anger should also be directed at myself. And - truth be told - I can't help but wonder if you were leading me on, using me, taking ego boosts, and if certain of the attention I gave you was fun for you until it wasn't (as others on this forum have pointed out to me). Can't help but wonder about some of these things. If so, that is indeed angering. Call me crazy, but to this day, I SWEAR there were some times where you'd lean in and make bodily contact... I'd SWEAR there were a few times where you leaned over to show cleavage and even struck a pose or two (when you knew I was watching/staring). They say it takes two.
I may have some things to be angry about, but nothing to stay angry about when compared to how smitten and enamored I've always been with you. I’ve always seen and known your faults and flaws – the halo effect never had me completely duped and deceived. We even had some strong disagreements/arguments and ‘broke up’ a few times over the years, only to again resume the friendship even stronger.
But I’ve never been into someone so much as you. I still don’t believe it was attraction and emotional attachment only, and/or projection issues and fulfillment/replacement of unmet needs from SO only. I believe there was real friendship, love, care, interest, etc.