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Starting NC

Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:15 pm
by Angel
Day 0 -

It’s been exactly 2 months since I disclosed to LO - two of the most crazy rollercoaster of emotion months. I am so exhausted from the ride. I was up all night composing an email that had just the right words and made with enough boldness to make it clear to LO. I set the email to send, and then proceeded to block everything I could. Then had a good cry over his loss.

My first half-hearted attempt lasted all of 3 days. But this time I blocked our communication methods, deleted the playlist of the songs he made for me, deleted all the pictures I had shared with him.

I get on my phone, and I’m pressing all the buttons like I have been obsessively doing for 2 months. But now there’s nothing for me to check. But in a way it feels liberating even though I feel empty, numb and lost...

I start to pray, which I haven’t been able to for awhile because I couldn’t face God with all my shame. And the deep feelings of remorse come at how selfish I’ve been. I now see that I need to figure this out with my SO.

Re: Starting NC

Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 9:15 pm
by Maddie
I do feel like we're in a similar boat, Angel. this LE has affected me spiritually, not because I believe God has abandoned me, but because my thoughts are too much about him...they crowd out my mind. I also am realizing that my SO is so much more deserving of my time. If I really get in touch with just how much I could lose, it scares the crap out of me....so I try to let that motivate me to focus on SO instead of just lying there in deep despair.

one day at a time, perhaps one hour at a time...

oh, and on the praying...I had a friend tell me once that even if you're trying to pray, you're praying

one more thing that I'm anticipating...having to face my hardships/challenges in my marital relationship vs relying on a crutch to meet those other needs

Re: Starting NC

Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 10:10 pm
by Angel
Maddie wrote:
Tue Aug 06, 2019 9:15 pm
I do feel like we're in a similar boat, Angel. this LE has affected me spiritually, not because I believe God has abandoned me, but because my thoughts are too much about him...they crowd out my mind. I also am realizing that my SO is so much more deserving of my time. If I really get in touch with just how much I could lose, it scares the crap out of me....so I try to let that motivate me to focus on SO instead of just lying there in deep despair.

one day at a time, perhaps one hour at a time...

oh, and on the praying...I had a friend tell me once that even if you're trying to pray, you're praying

one more thing that I'm anticipating...having to face my hardships/challenges in my marital relationship vs relying on a crutch to meet those other needs
I basically laid in bed and let the despair wash over me all afternoon. I want to tell my SO and come clean, because I am certain that I want our marriage to work out, but I’m afraid how he’ll respond. Will it be over?

But I love your attitude - yes, to take my own issues in stride and do something about it. I thought also about doing a crazy workout to help me with the sadness... my SO has been encouraging me to use the elliptical that he got us so we can both get healthy together. A new (healthy) pathway to help forget about the limerence. It’s worth a try!

Re: Starting NC

Posted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 2:03 am
by NoDayDreaming
Angel wrote:
Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:15 pm
But this time I blocked our communication methods, deleted the playlist of the songs he made for me, deleted all the pictures I had shared with him.
bravo! that's the way to do it. you have the guts and you'll succeed. of course it will be no picnic.

Re: Starting NC

Posted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:00 am
by Angel
Day 1
Rough day and night...
LO did send email to respond to my request for NC, to another one of my accounts that I didn’t think to block. It was very brief, and said he would respect my request for NC. I deleted the email.

Later, he had a mutual friend send me a text that he was mailing back something I sent him. That gutted me for a bit, but I focused on cooking an awesome dinner for my family. SO has been working so hard, he really enjoys my cooking. He fell asleep soon after dinner - he’s been putting in 10-12 hour days at work.

I then worked out - for a good hour - and the more it hurt, the harder I worked out. Then I cried for a good long time in the shower, since it would be hard to explain to anyone why I was crying.

Hoping to keep myself busy today. I have a ton of things to do that I’ve let lapse.

Re: Starting NC

Posted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:02 am
by Angel
daydreamer wrote:
Wed Aug 07, 2019 2:03 am
bravo! that's the way to do it. you have the guts and you'll succeed. of course it will be no picnic.
Thanks DD for the encouragement. I made the decision to go NC fully knowing how painful this will be...and trying to keep busy and doing positive things to keep myself distracted.

Re: Starting NC

Posted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 12:45 pm
by Pattihopeful
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Re: Starting NC

Posted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:30 pm
by Angel
So panic is a part of this too, eh?

I’m getting moments of panic - did I do the wrong thing? What if I lost my “soulmate” forever? What if he does something drastic or desperate or self-destructive?

Re: Starting NC

Posted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 5:03 pm
by Pattihopeful
In my experience panic is part of it. I get thoughts like, oh my gosh, he is gone forever; I never thought this could happen. I believe we had an EA. We shared so much. It is just like grief and much stronger if recriprocal. It hurts.

Your brain is going to try and convince you you need him. I am starting to see what an illusion this is. If he does something drastic or self destructive, you are not the cause. Hugs to you. There are many stories on here of people who say it does get better. Read those. I am going to today.

Re: Starting NC

Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2019 3:04 pm
by Angel
Pattihopeful wrote:
Wed Aug 07, 2019 5:03 pm
Your brain is going to try and convince you you need him. I am starting to see what an illusion this is. If he does something drastic or self destructive, you are not the cause. Hugs to you. There are many stories on here of people who say it does get better. Read those. I am going to today.
Trying to stay strong... and yes, I’ve been having increasing anxiety that I made a huge mistake. I’ve never cried so much in my life. It’s only Day 2, so I expect it to get harder before it gets better.

I told SO last night and he’s willing to work with me on our marriage. He took it better than I thought, maybe because it hasn’t been really long lasting and it wasn’t at all physical. Looking for a marriage therapist now too.