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Starting NC

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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Angel
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Sun Sep 01, 2019 7:49 pm

I broke NC again. I feel so weak-willed, and I have to keep pushing through. You would think that about a month of this and I would be able to do it. I was falling apart this Friday and my supports hadn’t been there. SO was working late Friday, but didn’t tell me, and I got home early, and took care of childcare so we could go out for a date or just spend time together. I just felt so lonely. I have to do more work on myself to not be so needy. Why am I so needy?

My LO is doing better, which is a huge relief for me. However, the warnings that you be back Day 1 if you broke NC is absolutely true. I’ve been an emotional wreck the last three days and trying to pick myself up and dust myself off and get back on the NC train. Today is the day. I’m reinstating it. Third time is the charm, I hope!

Bettyboo
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Bettyboo » Sun Sep 01, 2019 8:56 pm

You are not weak-willed! You’re doing an amazing thing.. the right thing for you and your family and ultimately your LO too.

Keep going and focus on how far you’ve come.

Sending a hug to you. x

Helpmeplease
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Helpmeplease » Mon Sep 02, 2019 7:17 am

Hey angel, BB is totally right!

It's so hard to start NC and easy to break. I am there too. Especially hard days and you want contact. I don't think every break takes you back to day 1. Having NC stops the build up of new triggers, and let's old ones start to age. There is definitely value there. I have restarted NC several times and it has helped me. Maybe not breaking NC can get you further quicker but it doesn't always work like that.

Wanting some time with your SO isn't needy at all angel.

Angel
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Tue Sep 03, 2019 1:17 am

Helpmeplease wrote:
Mon Sep 02, 2019 7:17 am
It's so hard to start NC and easy to break. I am there too. Especially hard days and you want contact. I don't think every break takes you back to day 1. Having NC stops the build up of new triggers, and let's old ones start to age. There is definitely value there. I have restarted NC several times and it has helped me. Maybe not breaking NC can get you further quicker but it doesn't always work like that.

Wanting some time with your SO isn't needy at all angel.
Thanks BB and HMP for the vote of confidence. I guess I am frustrated that when I am feeling emotionally vulnerable, I need someone to turn to, be it LO or SO. I don’t want to be dependent like that anymore. I feel it’s what got me here in the LE in the first place.

You are right, I am not back at Day 1 (where I was totally non-functionally bawling my eyes out), but my heart aches so much today, literally. I wrote a goodbye letter to LO, and it was quite different than the one a month ago which was so confused and lost, and while I was still very much in limerence fog.

This one was more a letter to say goodbye to our friendship, which had been in existence so much longer, and was so precious to me. I can see how easily it was to get sucked back in. His last messages to me were heart rending where he asked for more time so he could send a final letter to me. I blocked him and cried ugly tears. I wish I could change my email account (it’s a work one, so I can’t). I don’t know how my heart can take it if he tries to reach me again.

How long does the pain and longing last?

Pattihopeful
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Pattihopeful » Tue Sep 03, 2019 12:43 pm

Angel, this sounds so hard. It is deep grief so it can take a while. I find crying it out helps. Each cry releases more pain. Don't forget there is probably more to your grief.

I forget, do you work together? If not, there has to be a way to block him. If so, could you tell him you will need to report him if he doesn't stop? You are doing great! One day or sometimes one monent at a time.

Angel
Posts: 168
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Thu Sep 05, 2019 1:22 am

Pattihopeful wrote:
Tue Sep 03, 2019 12:43 pm
Angel, this sounds so hard. It is deep grief so it can take a while. I find crying it out helps. Each cry releases more pain. Don't forget there is probably more to your grief.

I forget, do you work together? If not, there has to be a way to block him. If so, could you tell him you will need to report him if he doesn't stop? You are doing great! One day or sometimes one monent at a time.
Thanks for your encouragement and words of comfort, Patti. I have suffered grief in the past, but not like this before! This is a cycling of pain/longing/grief that is sometimes too much to bear. I cried on the way to work, I cried on the way home from work, I cried before going to bed. When does the sadness and pain abate?

I saw my therapist today, and she helping me dig into some hard stuff that happened earlier in my life. I just feel this nauseous pit in my stomach since that meeting, a similar feeling to when I first broke it off with LO.

He lives far from me, so I can easily block him, and luckily I won’t have to see him. But he just can use another email account, and in our last contact, he did say when our paths cross again in rl, he would keep away from me at a respectful distance. He’s definitely hurting too... it was hard not to respond, and really hard to impose NC again.

daydreamer
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Re: Starting NC

Post by daydreamer » Thu Sep 05, 2019 4:57 am

Angel wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 1:22 am
He’s definitely hurting too...
have you made it clear to him? it's one thing to do it from ignorance/craziness/immaturity, and another thing to deliberately hurt you.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

Angel
Posts: 168
Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2019 12:52 pm
United States of America

Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Thu Sep 05, 2019 10:34 am

daydreamer wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 4:57 am
have you made it clear to him? it's one thing to do it from ignorance/craziness/immaturity, and another thing to deliberately hurt you.
Hi DD, glad to see you back!
Yes, but I broke NC last weekend in my moment of weakness. He did tell me how much he was struggling though he knows it’s not meant to be. He apologized for hurting me in the first place by disclosing, and thus ruining our friendship (forever :( )

We are both just trying to get thru this, and I think we both realize that we needed to let go. For the first month, he didn’t want to let go. He hasn’t tried to contact me again since I started NC again (now 4 days). I told him it was like stabbing me in the heart with a knife each time he tried. I think that was pretty clear, right?

Helpmeplease
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Helpmeplease » Thu Sep 05, 2019 1:36 pm

Thanks pretty clear Angel!
My way to describe was ripping heart out and squeezing it! (I never said that to LO!)

Angel
Posts: 168
Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2019 12:52 pm
United States of America

Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Fri Sep 06, 2019 11:09 pm

Helpmeplease wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 1:36 pm
Thanks pretty clear Angel!
My way to describe was ripping heart out and squeezing it! (I never said that to LO!)
Oh, that is an apt way to describe the feeling too. I did tell to LO the first time I broke NC that he was stabbing me in the heart each time. Maybe not a compassionate thing to say to someone who is limerent for me, but I was being honest and trying to get him to back off and stop trying to contact me.

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