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Starting NC

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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Angel
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Tue Aug 20, 2019 7:43 pm

Day 0 (2nd attempt)

LO sent another email, from an account I hadn’t blocked. He’s been trying to contact me almost every day for a week. He wanted some files back from an account that I set up for us. I have been intending to delete the account, and thought I should return back those files so I transferred ownership to him and in the message wrote “Please, stop.” And 😢

Maddie
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Maddie » Wed Aug 21, 2019 4:31 pm

You sent the message to him, "please stop" or he sent that message?
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

Angel
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Thu Aug 22, 2019 1:45 am

Maddie wrote:
Wed Aug 21, 2019 4:31 pm
You sent the message to him, "please stop" or he sent that message?
Sorry, I wasn’t clear - I wrote to him “please, stop” meaning stop trying to contact me.

Angel
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Thu Aug 22, 2019 2:00 am

Day 1 (2nd attempt)

Today was really, really quiet for me. I thought I would be a mess after breaking NC, and I was yesterday, but today I was pretty calm and only really sad at the start of the day.

Went to my first meeting with a T, and I have a good feeling about her. Told her more than I intended, though i wanted to bring up limerence and see if she knew anything. It was a good session, though I feel like being in this forum was worth at least 5+ sessions!

Angel
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Fri Aug 23, 2019 11:42 am

Day 2 and 3 (2nd attempt)

I’m exhausted. I feel that I’ve finally gotten off the emotional rollercoaster that I’ve ridden for weeks, months, and now need to trudge through the remaining days without any thrills ahead. The landscape is grey and uninteresting, and there are moments I am overcome with an deep sadness and I just start crying. Not the sobbing kind of crying that I’ve been having, but the kind of crying when a few tears roll down your cheek and people around you won’t notice if they aren’t paying attention.

In a way it’s a relief. I don’t know how I could have lasted much longer on that emotional rollercoaster without having a mental breakdown. My daily life and work has suffered greatly by my neglect. My last contact with LO felt very much like closure and he hasn’t tried to contact me since, or if he has, I don’t know it since I had given control of that email account to a close friend, and hope to delete it. It’s hard to let everything go. Even without the fog of limerence, there is a feeling of regret for what could have been. Of still desiring that close emotional connection. And what is really lost is my friendship with LO that was much beyond the EA - our ability to talk shop, and the witty intellectual discussions about our work and all sorts of topics.

Last night, as I was comforting my youngest, and holding her hand while tears rolled down my own face, she asked why I’ve been so sad. I replied, “Mama lost a really good friend, and that’s been hard to accept.” She seemed to understand that answer because they brought a fresh burst of tears as she thought about her sister, who is away this week on a service trip, and will be going off to college in a couple of years.

For those who have been through this - how long does the pain of longing last?

Bridget
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Bridget » Sat Aug 24, 2019 5:05 am

Angel, I've just read through this thread and I am so impressed with your will and bravery! You are doing everything I wish I had done years ago. I'm almost 10 years past the height of my last LE, and while I've been feeling pretty good for the past four years, I regret that I dragged it on for so long with the fantasy that we could be just friends.

It will get better and you will begin to feel like your best self, especially with all the supportive folks around you! The pain of longing is grief, though, and there's no predictable time table for getting over it. For better or worse, the best way out is through. Have faith, keep doing the work, stay active, and keep up the hard work you've been doing. Prayers!

Bridget

Angel
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Sat Aug 24, 2019 7:52 pm

Bridget wrote:
Sat Aug 24, 2019 5:05 am
Angel, I've just read through this thread and I am so impressed with your will and bravery! You are doing everything I wish I had done years ago. I'm almost 10 years past the height of my last LE, and while I've been feeling pretty good for the past four years, I regret that I dragged it on for so long with the fantasy that we could be just friends.

It will get better and you will begin to feel like your best self, especially with all the supportive folks around you! The pain of longing is grief, though, and there's no predictable time table for getting over it. For better or worse, the best way out is through. Have faith, keep doing the work, stay active, and keep up the hard work you've been doing. Prayers!

Bridget
Thanks for your encouragement and prayers, Bridget!
He was a close friend before I became limerent for him, though it had been slowly building and I was just pushing it aside thinking that I was being silly because I valued our friendship so much. I’m really missing that friendship with him. I don’t think that part was “fake” at all. But I knew intuitively that I couldn’t back away from the EA we were having to become just friends again, and just had to cut him totally out of my life. I know how I am, especially if I had already developed these deep feelings for him, even if it was limerence.

I know I’m still grieving for him and the ideal relationship I thought we could have. I guess I have to be patient with myself too. The grief and pain sneaks out from nowhere - one moment I feel fine, the next I am crying or having extreme anxiety over LO and hoping he’s okay. I know my SO and I are trying hard to rebuild our marriage. He’s gone the extra mile for me and I appreciate that so much.

Angel
Posts: 173
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel » Tue Aug 27, 2019 4:08 pm

Day 4-6 (2nd attempt)

Not much has changed for me. I want to contact my LO every day, and sometimes desperately. I’m worried about him. I’ve been getting so much support between my family and friends, but I know he doesn’t have the same supports in place and his marriage was already pretty broken even before our EA. I know I’m falling back into that role of rescuer and I have to let that go.

I know it’s not my responsibility, and I need to keep my resolve. The pain is sometimes unbearable, and the rest of the time it is a dull ache that won’t seem to go away. I started having dreams about him again, and they are all so sad. It’s hard to talk to SO about this part - I’m sure it hurts him that I still have deep feelings for another man.

I need to do more heavy lifting but am so, so tired. This whole LE has been so emotionally crazy and exhausting. I don’t know how others suffer through this for many more months and even years. I was barely clinging onI just want to take time for myself to heal. But life moves on even though I felt my life was crashing down around me just a few weeks ago.

mamasita
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Re: Starting NC

Post by mamasita » Tue Aug 27, 2019 5:32 pm

I think the dull gray days after NC resolve are among the hardest.
The highs and lows of being IN the fog of limerence are really hard to get through also, but the mundane "back to your normal life" can feel like a punch in the gut. And yes, I also had waves of intense grief and I knew that reaching out to him would at least give me a tiny bit of relief.
Keep pushing! It won't stay dark for long. You will have many moments over the next weeks where you are drowning in waves of grief. Other days you will think "maybe I'm okay." I can tell you that every single time I kept my resolve and pushed past the pain, I was so grateful that I did. The needy feelings do pass rather quickly.
Every time I just wanted to "tell him this one thing" or initiated contact, I regretted it because it put me back at square one. There is no escape from limerence. You have to walk through it. You should be proud of yourself...even right now, you ARE walking through it. You don't have to figure it ALL out right now. As you clear the LO out of your mind, be open to new thoughts. "What do I need that I thought he could give?" "I feel sad tonight, I'm going to go easy on myself and relax." Self love, Compassion. Just as your would show to your sad daughter who misses her sister, comfort yourself in that same way. You really need it. :ymhug:

Bettyboo
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Bettyboo » Tue Aug 27, 2019 7:29 pm

Hi Angel, I’m reading your updates and really admire your strength.
I feel as though I’m almost ready to start NC, my relationship with LO is intense and we often fall out. He’s told me to relax!!
I’ve explained that I think it’s an addiction and it’s making me unhappy and he said that although he doesn’t want to cut contact he doesn’t want me to be unhappy either.

I guess these feelings come in waves and you wouldn’t be normal if you weren’t worried about LO but I guess in the long term you’re doing this for him and his family too.

Sending a hug your way!

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