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Starting NC

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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peter.rabbit
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Re: Starting NC

Post by peter.rabbit »

Gosh Angel, you are so brave and strong- going NC is such a sad sounding prospect to me. And, disclosing to your SO must have been scary and seemed like a risky move, yet he responded with support....you are truly blessed.
I start to pray, which I haven’t been able to for awhile because I couldn’t face God with all my shame. And the deep feelings of remorse come at how selfish I’ve been.

I've felt that level of shame, but I believe that God knows and senses the remorse in your heart, and understands and forgives...and has compassion for your pain.

This all sounds like an opportunity to bring you and your husband closer in your marriage, sort of like a dark cloud with a silver lining, to quote an archaic saying. :ymhug:
Married.
In LE with married LO :-\

Angel
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel »

peter.rabbit wrote:
Wed Aug 14, 2019 5:33 am
Gosh Angel, you are so brave and strong- going NC is such a sad sounding prospect to me. And, disclosing to your SO must have been scary and seemed like a risky move, yet he responded with support....you are truly blessed.
I start to pray, which I haven’t been able to for awhile because I couldn’t face God with all my shame. And the deep feelings of remorse come at how selfish I’ve been.

I've felt that level of shame, but I believe that God knows and senses the remorse in your heart, and understands and forgives...and has compassion for your pain.

This all sounds like an opportunity to bring you and your husband closer in your marriage, sort of like a dark cloud with a silver lining, to quote an archaic saying. :ymhug:
I don’t feel so brave and strong today - I thought that as time passed, it’s only been a week, that the pain would start to wane. I guess it isn’t so linear. It’s more of a cycle, and even though yesterday was a good day, and I had a good night of sleep, I woke up feeling sad and lost. I wish I could turn the feelings off and deal with them later.

Yes, the silver lining has definitely been that I feel so much hope for my marriage. SO has been fantastic, and giving me the space to grieve, and he has been my safe space although I know it’s been giving him pain to know his wife has feelings for someone else.

NoDayDreaming

Re: Starting NC

Post by NoDayDreaming »

Angel wrote:
Wed Aug 14, 2019 3:14 pm
I know it’s been giving him pain to know his wife has feelings for someone else.
yes, but you also let him know that your ultimate allegiance is with him, and you are not hiding it from him, even though it's difficult for you. this is priceless, and it'll make your marriage stronger.
sending you my encouragements.

peter.rabbit
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Re: Starting NC

Post by peter.rabbit »

Angel wrote:
Wed Aug 14, 2019 3:14 pm
I don’t feel so brave and strong today
Most situations where people exhibit bravery and strength is in the presence of dire happenings, but yeah- I do understand your sentiment, I'm not feeling to "anything positive" today myself. I don't have very good control over my LO obsessive feelings, so I have a mission in life to find how to fix that.
Married.
In LE with married LO :-\

peter.rabbit
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Re: Starting NC

Post by peter.rabbit »

I just wanted to reiterate that disclosing your LE to your husband was extremely brave and strong, even though your heart may be careening out-of-control(seemingly) and telling your otherwise.

I have nobody in RL to tell, my blood runs cold at the mere thought of what disclosure would do to my DW.
Married.
In LE with married LO :-\

Angel
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel »

daydreamer wrote:
Wed Aug 14, 2019 3:58 pm
yes, but you also let him know that your ultimate allegiance is with him, and you are not hiding it from him, even though it's difficult for you. this is priceless, and it'll make your marriage stronger.
sending you my encouragements.
Thanks for always putting a positive perspective on such a tough situation! Ultimately we will be going to marriage counseling, I have my first therapist session next week, but for now I’m calling in reinforcements - I’m telling my two closest friends to help me keep accountable for my NC and take that pressure off my SO. Nervous about that, but I believe they will be supportive rather than judging.

NoDayDreaming

Re: Starting NC

Post by NoDayDreaming »

peter.rabbit wrote:
Wed Aug 14, 2019 10:12 pm
my blood runs cold at the mere thought of what disclosure would do to my DW.
im my expierence, DH can take it, DW might not.

Angel
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel »

Day 9:

Yesterday has been the most difficult emotionally. It took all I had not to reach out to LO. He has not respected my request for NC, and has continued to send me messages and I have to continually block him from other ways of contacting me that I did not think about. I had another panic attack, in the middle of the day, and thankfully SO was home for lunch.

The pain and sadness is so intense. I didn’t expect this level of sadness, and cycling through the grief, shame and guilt has not been an easy road. I am blessed to have an SO that continues to support me. I’m starting to understand my own weaknesses much more deeply to see why I fell into this LE. Understanding rationally does not make the pain of separation less.

As I had planned, I got together with two of my closest girlfriends to tell them about the whole situation so they can keep me accountable to NC. It was so eye opening, and embarrassing for me as I relayed to them some of the events and how I got sucked in - we had a lot of laughs over how stupid it all seemed - like teenage high school drama - even though while in the fog of limerence, it all was so life-or-death serious.

NoDayDreaming

Re: Starting NC

Post by NoDayDreaming »

[never mind, i was wrong about your LO]
Last edited by NoDayDreaming on Sat Aug 17, 2019 1:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Angel
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Re: Starting NC

Post by Angel »

Day 10:
It was going to be a good day - I had slept well, and had a great morning with SO, having breakfast together and planning the weekend. I felt strong and needed to turn my attentions to my work. I had a workshop to attend, and had a few hours at home to finish a work assignment.

And then it was there - an email from my LO. I shouldn’t have opened it. But all the rest have just been empty emails and what he wanted to tell me was in the subject line. I thought this would be the same and I had to open it to block him from yet another email address. I shouldn’t have read it, but I did. The first few lines just sucked me in.

I had realized through this process that well-written words have a huge affect on me. And LO is an amazing writer, and his email perfectly reflected what I was feeling and how miserable he was. The whole concept of “woundmate” is now so real to me. And for our whole EA, he realized it too - “we are one and the same”, “our broken pieces make us whole”, “one heart and one soul.” This letter expressed in words how he was feeling and made my heart feel like it was ripped out and shredded into hundreds of pieces.

SO has gotten in the habit of calling and checking in. I was so inconsolable that he rushed home from work. He then called my good friend, one that is part of my reinforcements, to come over because he had to return to work. I cried with her for about 2 hours. I am blessed and thankful that my two closest friends have been compassionate toward me about this LE. Having her listen to my pain helped me process and maybe move to the next level of grieving? I don’t know, but I felt better enough to be functional.

I did eventually attend the workshop and ultimately, I am realizing that keeping busy helps the best. I came home and started cooking furiously (cooking is a passion) and started making a really complicated recipe. Even if my heart is broken, at least my stomach is happy.

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