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When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
ReeledIn
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by ReeledIn »

Ceridwen wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 3:08 am
Lol! Reeledin he could be quite charming when he wanted to be.
They all are. :ymsick:
F, 48
LO M, 55, single coworker
LE began June 2016 | became EA/PA until 6/18/2017
Disclosed all and reconciled with SO

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

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Ceridwen
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Ceridwen »

For any of you out there that have read and follwed this thread I just want to give an update.

When I last posted this in July of 2019 another member brought some things to my attention regarding narcissism. I'd heard the term before, but associated it only with egotistical people who where full of themselves, and this didn't seem anything like my LO. But after reading and some research it's exactly what I was dealing with. I saw soooo many similarities in my situation. The "love bombing", the "hoovering". Pushing me away and pulling me back ... I guess it was some unconscious "high" for him to prove to himself he could do it, who knows?

Anyway, it did cause me to start seeing him in a different light... and NOT a rose colored one LOL.. After the "ghosting" incident in July, he did eventually contact me when he thought it was "safe" to do so. I wasn't my usual receptive self. It was good to get some things off my chest finally though. We continued through the fall having no contact... and through the holidays (he's jewish, I'm Catholic and I'd NEVER missed sending him Jewish holdiay greetings during Rosh Hoshanna, Yom Kippur and Hannukka before so that was a huge thing for me). The last I'd heard from him, he told me texted condolences when he saw on Facebook that my dog passed away in November. He had to have "creeped" on my facebook page somehow because I had him blocked. Fast forward to March 2020, Mid-Pandemic and I got a text from him. I was polite but did not encourage conversation, wished him well and that was it.

I just want to let anyone beginning this journey to understand there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. This forum has been a HUGE help to me and the members who have commented, given advise or encouragement have been priceless and I say THANK YOU to each and every one of you.

It is now almost June 2020 (nearly a year from the last 'ghosting' post. I read those old posts and can remember the pain and hurt I felt.... I remember that girl... I'm not her anymore. I'm happy. I enjoy my family. I'm grateful EVERY day that I didn't blow up my marriage over someone that didn't deserve me. I've spent plenty of time beating myself up for the "lost years" that I didn't devote to my family the way I should have, but I'm trying my best to make up for it now. I can't change the mistakes I made in the past, but I can vow to DO better now that I KNOW better.

If any of my story sounds like something you are going through, please please hang in there... reach out on this forum... We can all do this together.
I will be in "recovery" every day I know, but I'm a new person and feeling great!

~Ceridwen
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ~ Marilyn Monroe

Maddie
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Maddie »

Ceridwen wrote:
Wed May 20, 2020 6:34 pm

... I remember that girl... I'm not her anymore. I'm happy. I enjoy my family. I'm grateful EVERY day that I didn't blow up my marriage over someone that didn't deserve me. I've spent plenty of time beating myself up for the "lost years" that I didn't devote to my family the way I should have, but I'm trying my best to make up for it now. I can't change the mistakes I made in the past, but I can vow to DO better now that I KNOW better.

Damn, that's awesome. what a glorious update :ymhug: Ceridwen
40, F
ex-LO, 51 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

Bettyboo
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Bettyboo »

So happy to read your update. I’ve always thought our situations sounded similar. I have similar regrets and am also thankful I didn’t blow my marriage apart.

I’m five months no contact. I have reached out to him a few times to apologise for the way I behaved at the end. My messages have gone undelivered and in responded to. I’m no longer limerent but I do feel bad for the way things ended and sometimes I long for one last conversation.

I’m so glad you’re happy again.

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Ceridwen
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Ceridwen »

BettyBoo have you tried journalling? I was EXACTLY like you and had soooo much I wanted to say and felt I needed a tidier "closure". I hated the idea of going separate ways with hard feelings or ill feeling toward each other. With no way to actually say to him the things I felt I started a notebook (that of course I kept in a totally safe place where no one would find it because I wouldn't have wanted anyone to find those writings). I sometimes wrote the story of how things started, sometimes I wrote how I was feeling but mostly it was written as if I were speaking to him. The things I'd say if I could. I have to say these writing sessions were really great therapy for me. The process of actually handwriting and not typing or speaking slowed down my thoughts in a way that helped me work out some of the "tangles" going on inside my head. A few months ago I had realized I was writing less and less in my journal. I guess I had nothing left to say... so as a celebration of being free of all the feelings I'd written in those pages on a evening when I was alone I sat with a glass of wine, by the fire pit in my backyard... I let myself remember how messed up I was and think about how much better I am as I reread and released each page in the fire and let it all go.

If you haven't tried this and you are able to I hope it works for you as it did for me. Best wishes to you, and If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to message me on here... You aren't alone :)

~Ceridwen
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ~ Marilyn Monroe

Bettyboo
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Bettyboo »

I have done some journaling, I used this forum as a journal when we first went NC. I do look back and read my posts and it reminds me that actually most of the time our relationship was an unhappy one, for me anyway. I honestly now believe that he enjoyed it all, even the fall outs and the nastiness- he kept it going, not because he liked me but because he enjoyed all attention good or bad.
I kept it going because I thought I loved him, at least I loved the person he was in the beginning, the man I thought he was, not who he turned out to be.

I also write lots of notes on my phone. I used to write texts to him that I’d never send, I still do that and you’re right it helps massively. Not only to get my feelings out, but to look back on and remember the pain, so I don’t go there again.

I have never ever been so miserable as I was for the last two years we were in contact. It’s hard to explain but there was something about him that brought out the worst in me. I’ve never experienced anything like it.

Forgive me if you’ve already said this, but do you ever see your LO? Or have any contact at all??

Pattihopeful
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Pattihopeful »

Sounds like you are doing great, BettyBoo! That is encouraging. Maybe you can update your thread.

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