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When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
L-F
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by L-F » Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:36 am

He'll likely return if he's done this in the past.
The question now is 'what are you going to do about it? Welcome him back with open arms?' This could be a lifesaver for finding your way out. If someone made me angry, I'd have the perfect excuse to not only get out but stay out.

Ghosting is as bad as disclosing imo. Can you imagine someone professing their love and then saying 'ta ta... I love you but can't be near you'. I wonder how the other person would feel? Moreso if the other person is hanging out to be told "I'm in love with you". Especially if NC it's not mutually agreed upon. Imagine the pain. Of course, I'm not taking away from your pain. Being ghosted is painful, period. Sorry you've been put in this situation

Maybe use this time to put that wedge between the two of you and find ways to build that Trumpian wall.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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Ceridwen
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Ceridwen » Sat Jul 20, 2019 4:33 pm

Thank you! Yes, I’ve decided this time I’m going to stay “mad”... mad hurts less lol

Anna, I gave a lot of thought to your words overnight, and I think you’re right “ghosted” is being in the receiving end of NC decision of the other person I guess. In that light, not really knowing what he’s going through emotionally I’m trying to take it less personally. Maybe it’s nothing to do with me, or a result of what I’ve done, but something needs to do for himself. That does hurt a little less lol.
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ~ Marilyn Monroe

ReeledIn
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by ReeledIn » Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:12 pm

@Ceridwen - A person who ghosts, followed by repeated later attempts at LC (AKA "hoovering")... KNOWING how you feel about the situation.. is a toxic person who is probably doing this for sport and/or some ego boost. I don't believe that people really do the hot/cold thing without knowing exactly what they are doing. These people are to be avoided at all costs... and I'm learning that lesson for the 5th (or 10th) time right now. I haven't been ghosted per se (yet)... but it's similar enough. LO knows what he's doing and he gets off on it. I would venture to say your LO is probably not much different.

Time to move on. I'm saying that to myself too!
F, 48
LO M, 55, single coworker
LE began June 2016 | became EA/PA until 6/18/2017
Disclosed all and reconciled with SO

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

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Ceridwen
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Ceridwen » Sat Jul 20, 2019 10:23 pm

I know you’re right.. he does know exactly how much this hurts me... I’ve frankly told him many times. It’s never stopped him from doing it though, and it’s my own fault I’ve allowed it to continue all these years. I’m as mad at myself right now as I am at him.

The beginning of our relationship was actually HE had a crush on me, I was HIS LO...we are both married and mutually agreed from the get go there would be no full affair. We were pretty invested emotionally though. somewhere along the line it flipped, I became the attached clinging one and he has become aloof. Yet ALWAYS comes back eventually (so long as I don’t scold him for hurting me, or “nag” at him to change, be open about how he feels etc...)

It is a toxic relationship all around, it has taken away the focus and total devotion my husband deserves, when things were bad during NC black out periods , it’s taken away focus when my kids were younger (they’re grown now), but when things were good between us I was completely capable of juggling the “double life...it’s been exactly 10 years... I’m eaten up with regret. I wish we’d never met. I’ve never experienced anything that’s has had such control over me. I’ve never done drugs, I drink recreationally in occasion but was never addicted to a substance, but this is like crack to me. It’s so depressing
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ~ Marilyn Monroe

ReeledIn
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by ReeledIn » Sun Jul 21, 2019 12:08 am

This is going to be rough but you know what needs to be done. Yours is a real cautionary tale for me. =((
F, 48
LO M, 55, single coworker
LE began June 2016 | became EA/PA until 6/18/2017
Disclosed all and reconciled with SO

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

L-F
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by L-F » Sun Jul 21, 2019 6:46 am

Ceridwen wrote:
Sat Jul 20, 2019 10:23 pm
somewhere along the line it flipped, I became the attached clinging one and he has become aloof. Yet ALWAYS comes back eventually (so long as I don’t scold him for hurting me, or “nag” at him to change, be open about how he feels etc...)
Check out codependency. When one pulls away the other chases with the roles swapping over and over. Each scared to lose the other when one senses the other pulling away. Unhealthy patterns of relating to each other.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Bettyboo
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Bettyboo » Sun Jul 21, 2019 8:37 am

your situation sounds quite similar to mine.

How have you managed for 10 years? I’m into my third year of this weird codependent text relationship. He’s told me we’re friends only (both married) but for the first year it was much more than that.

Have you heard from him yet? My LO has been known to go quiet for two to three days at most and I usually do flip out with worry and anxiety that he’s not coming back.

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Ceridwen
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Ceridwen » Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:28 pm

Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been 10 years. (Shaking my head head). I was happy and was not looking for something else... my LO and I were on an event committee together, it was an annual event, and we had known each other for four years previously. I was instantly drawn in from our first meeting, as far as I thought he was interesting etc, but definitely not in romantic sense. He Seemed fun... I watched him interact with his kids and thought what a fun dad...

In the first four years he rarely spoke to me. At first it was like he didn’t know I existed, then I honestly thought there was some reason he didn’t like me.... until one outing, he caught me aside and asked if I wanted to leave (where the others were ) and go somewhere alone. I didn’t go, I was shocked as there was no mistake in his intention. I had been married 21 years and never had an affair in any way. I was an overweight size 20, surely he wasn’t attracted to ME? He must’ve just been drunk right? Wrong... in the next week he instant messaged me (back in AOL days) to apologize, tell me that he admired me for my fidelity., but he continued to message daily, the all day every day. He complimented me, made me feel good about myself, confided deep thoughts to me and made me feel “special”. Within the first year I lost 60lbs, was in a size 10 and my confidence had gotten a major boost. By now he was the one though that refused to “let me ruin my marriage “ by having an affair... so we’ve done this “friendship” dance ever since.

During the 10 years he’s done this countless times, going on “black outs”, silent treatment episodes, sometimes for as long as 8 weeks straight. I always give in. Usually beg (it’s not pretty) for him to contact me. He does when he thinks I’m desperate enough not to chide him for his cruelty or dare even mention anything he’s fine to hurt me... as long as I am cheerful etc everything is fine

I’m tired of the cycle. I am ready to be done.
Sorry that was so long.... the story just started pouring out. I thank you if you’ve read this far
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ~ Marilyn Monroe

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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by ReeledIn » Mon Jul 22, 2019 3:00 am

Ceridwen wrote:
Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:28 pm

During the 10 years he’s done this countless times, going on “black outs”, silent treatment episodes, sometimes for as long as 8 weeks straight. I always give in. Usually beg (it’s not pretty) for him to contact me. He does when he thinks I’m desperate enough not to chide him for his cruelty or dare even mention anything he’s fine to hurt me... as long as I am cheerful etc everything is fine

I’m tired of the cycle. I am ready to be done.
Sorry that was so long.... the story just started pouring out. I thank you if you’ve read this far
Sounds like a great guy, Ceridwen. ;)

We're in the same boat... I lost about 30lbs in some crazy short amount of time, mainly because I was so anxious and filled with dopamine that I couldn't eat.

It's time for us to find internal motivation to be healthy and live life to the fullest - for no one other than ourselves. It's going to be a lifelong struggle just to remember this, but we can do it.
F, 48
LO M, 55, single coworker
LE began June 2016 | became EA/PA until 6/18/2017
Disclosed all and reconciled with SO

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

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Ceridwen
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Ceridwen » Mon Jul 22, 2019 3:08 am

Lol! Reeledin he could be quite charming when he wanted to be... I believed he understood me like no other person. I was so wrong.

We can beat this! I’m determined
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ~ Marilyn Monroe

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