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When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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Ceridwen
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When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Ceridwen » Fri Jul 19, 2019 5:15 pm

Hi all... I am struggling. My LO has "ghosted" me. No explanation ( although we were friends) Just stopped returning texts. I even was really good and didn't blow up his phone asking why, what did I do etc like I have done in the past. But I'm crushed. Nothing bothers me more than the "silent treatment"... it's painful rejection. If he had told me something like " listen, we just can't keep talking and trying to be friends so we need to go our separate ways, wish you the best" yada yada maybe I'd be able to handle it better? But unreturned text messages out of the blue, for over a week, sends me into a spiralling pit of hell. I struggle to think of any thing else.

Does anyone have any insight or advice on overcoming the horrible rejectcion of "ghosting"

Thank you!
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ~ Marilyn Monroe

daydreamer
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by daydreamer » Fri Jul 19, 2019 6:53 pm

only angry or inconsiderate person would do something rude like that, but we know that love and hate are the opposite feelings, and one can turn to another under some circumstances.
if you are on the receiving end of that, consider this a clear insult and cut all ties. you could send like a paper letter or similar explaining it's over, why, and please don't contact me anymore. this can be actually a blessing in disguise, as it can start your recovery you needed long time ago.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

Fullofregret
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Fullofregret » Fri Jul 19, 2019 7:40 pm

He may know this is the only way to end it, for both of your sakes. Or, he could just be over it and moved on to someone else? Either way, it doesn't matter. He doesn't want to continue the rollercoaster anymore. I can relate. Sometimes ghosting is the only way.

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Ceridwen
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Ceridwen » Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:49 pm

Thank you for your responses. You’re right, no matter the cause of the ghosting, it’s really cold and cruel. If someone was really a friend or cared about your feelings they wouldn’t do that no matter what right? I keep telling myself this. There’s no excuse for it, or justification. He KNOWS how almost incapacitating it is for me when I can’t get “closure”, but I couldn’t count how many times he’s done this, then comes back a couple of months later like nothing happened... and SHAME ON ME I don’t bring it up because I need to keep the peace and not lose him :( it’s so embarrassing to be that addicted to someone. I hate it about myself and I can’t seem to get past it.
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ~ Marilyn Monroe

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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Pattihopeful » Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:57 pm

I am right here with you. Ghosting is for cowards! Keep posting here. There is so much help.

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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Fullofregret » Sat Jul 20, 2019 12:19 am

Ghosting is basically a form of gaslighting, in my opinion. It's cowardly. But I think sometimes, it really is the only way.

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Ceridwen
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Ceridwen » Sat Jul 20, 2019 12:28 am

I’m so happy to have found this forum. I’d never heard the word limerence in my life, but when I did gongs went off and I knew this is what I suffer. I let this person (who really is not a “head turner” or particularly special) get by with so much behavior I’d never tolerate from anyone else. When things are good between us it’s a high like no other, but when they’re bad, like now, it’s a living hell. I’m probably going to be posting a lot to get through these upcoming days... thank you all for listening and responding. I’m so happy someone knows what I’m going through that I can’t explain to anyone else.
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ~ Marilyn Monroe

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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Anna » Sat Jul 20, 2019 1:01 am

Now I might be really stupid, but what is the difference of ghosting someone and going NC? Aren't they both the same? One person decides the other one is not good for them and stops all contact. Normally that goes without explaining to them why, doesn't it? I am just surprised reading on here how everyone gets upset about people who ghost others and at the same time the suggestion to 'go NC' is in every 2nd post on here.

or is it: when I ghost someone it's called NC and when someone goes NC with me it's called 'ghosting'?

Please enlighten me!

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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by daydreamer » Sat Jul 20, 2019 2:22 am

Anna, everyone is different, but i would feel really bad if i stopped contact without explaining first. the NC with my last LO was preceded by my 3 goodbye letters over a month ago (i was actually appreciative and cheerful, but i asked for NC). she didn't respond to any of those, and i don't mind that because this is what i wanted and needed badly.
Last edited by daydreamer on Sat Jul 20, 2019 5:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

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Ceridwen
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Re: When NC is not your choice - getting over Ghosting advice

Post by Ceridwen » Sat Jul 20, 2019 5:46 am

I guess I differentiate “ghosting” from NC as:

NC- coming to the decision to end things, and asking the other person to respect that decision. Maybe explaining why you feel NC is necessary....

Ghosting= everything going along fine then suddenly no responses, haven’t heard anything from the person in days or weeks, you know they received a message from you asking what’s going on but they choose to leave you in the dark.

I’m no expert on the terminology, but if he suddenly decided he no longer wanted contact, I just feel like it would have been the courteous thing to do to tell me. He knows I would have respected that

We had a mutual friendship, although I know I valued that way more than he did. We had not had any argument or disagreement. Our last conversation had been brief but light hearted etc, then nothing for days and when I texted and tried to start a conversation I got no response. I asked once if something was wrong... no response. I asked if he was ok, he said yes, but nothing further. So he was capable of responding but obviously is choosing not to, and knows I’d really like an explanation but is choosing to not give me that. I am not bothering to push any further because I know that’s going to get me no where, but make me look more desperate and ridiculous

Maybe because the silent treatment in any relationship I’ve ever had has been a deal breaker for me in any past relationships it’s a real trigger. I would never ever go from everything fine to refusing to answer with no explanation to anyone I consider that ghosting because it’s like “poof” for no reason their gone.
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" ~ Marilyn Monroe

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