A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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I know I must still be in deep because the thought of this scares me and causes deep sadness. Since my rejection a month ago, I have had to see LO at social job funtions 3 times with 2 more to go this month! This is typical for the end of the year. Then summer will come and it will all stop. The work discussions etc. I am dreading it but realize that my LE is getting worse by this intermittant reinforcement. I feel ashamed that I am still hanging on and dreaming. How do you get through it?
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Firstly and importantly recongise you need it and own the decision to do it. Long term you will be much happier and also function as a human being. They are amazing goals and always keep them in mind
It's hard. Dont fool yourself. You will have high days and low days so plan things to do, with friends and family. Distractions. Give yourself a break on low days.
Be happy with small steps and victories. Day at a time.
Be aware lots if thoughts will come to you. Try and ignore them.
I am 5.5w NC now and last couple of days a struggle. I will post on my thread a bit more on this. I feel sad about it all. You will feel sad sometime on the way
And in particular for you as you work with him NC will be near impossible but try to get close to NC. In LC I think you must stop the emotional side of your relationship and say no don't side cuddle me it's inappropriate next time he does it. (Can you so that? Not sure I could say that to my LO).
Remember one day at a time and up to a long time!
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First can I ask PH, what happens after summer? Will you still be LC or will you be back to seeing him at work?
I have LC and it is more difficult sometimes than others. At first it was very very hard. Lots of being upset, ups and downs. It is not a linear process. Things do improve but it can be extremely slow and hard to see at times. For me the worst part is dreaming about him most nights despite LC. I know it’s just my brain processing but it’s a painful reminder and there is really nothing I can do about it, but it’s frustrating as well because it leaves me very tired some days, those fitful sleeps. You can do it, and it sounds like you need to, but it will be challenging. But worth it.
LO is M 37, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control
LE began in the fall of 2015
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I think there has to be a future NC that the LC makes a bit easier. I can't imagine a work scenario that I would be strong enough to make it through. My last contact from her was they have a job opening. I am strong enough to stay away. I like this type of work, but know I really only want to work there because of her, but equally know I can't. I can out project any quality she would present that would make me ill of her. I'm in a great spot where she barely exists despite wanting it all over again. I win now.
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I think the summer break is going to be really good for you, PH! Please keep in mind that you are only one month out & you are still in contact so it’s going to be a longer and slower withdrawal. I think you are doing good...you are aware of your thought processes, recognize them as flawed, and you’re seeing your LO for who he really is. Keep focusing on this (who he really is) because the person you actually want is a fantasy & doesn’t really exist.
Keep being distant, cheerfully polite, professional, but distant. Think of lots of fun things you can do this summer. All of this will pass eventually, just focus for now on getting through each individual day.
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I have to take it one day at a time. If I think about how many days or weeks I have until I'll be able to see him again, it's overwhelming and I instantly (though I haven't acted on it yet) start thinking of how I can just visit my job on days he's there to see him sooner. Or if I think about how long it's been since I've seen him last, I get anxious and overwhelmed and sad etc. So when I start thinking of either I have to tell myself no, just get through today. Then it becomes just focus on today. Then it gets to the point where you realize you haven't thought about them in a couple days. So yeah .just take it one day at a time or it's too overwhelming.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman
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Thanks for all the replies. There is wisdom in every one of them. I broke down and called yesterday. I am not doing well. It is hard. Unfortunately I am emotionally atteched. I discussed my feelings,a bit again. He said we were talking too much before. We were just about every day. He said emotional closeness is as bad as physical. I hate that I called and that all this has happened. In about 2 weeks there will be no reason to contact him other than if we have a scheduled call. I am feeling panicky and rejected and guilty. When the school year starts there will be more contact again and seeing him at functions. I hope the lower contact of summer plus counseling I am starting next week will help. Pudding I see yours is a teacher too?
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