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How to deal with the feeling of hope

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
L-F
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by L-F » Thu Apr 19, 2018 7:49 pm

Very very few enjoy limerence. I requested a 'bask in your limerence' section for those who enjoy it. As you can tell, its hardly used.

I post songs in it because I can. As in, I'm no longer limerent and thats the part I enjoy. Rather than basking, I'm celebrating limerence given that it has helped me to be more present with life, and less stuck in a fantasy. But that doesn't mean I don't have hope. Hope will always remain for me. So I figured just had to learn to live with it.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Maddie
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Maddie » Thu Apr 19, 2018 11:09 pm

@ LF- living WITH the hope. That's a new concept. I was waiting on hope to dwindle out sooner than it has. The problem with hope for me is that I do want it gone....and then I don't . Know what I mean? Sometimes the hope feels like energy, maybe a quick hit of dopamine. And the more time passes, he does seem more like an object vs a friend or even an acquaintance.

I guess it's like sitting with feelings. If I don't fight them, the blows may be softer. Hope could be viewed in the same vein.....
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LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

L-F
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by L-F » Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:17 am

Maddie wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 11:09 pm
I guess it's like sitting with feelings. If I don't fight them, the blows may be softer. Hope could be viewed in the same vein.....
Thats the conclusion I came to too. Instead of fight it, I invited it. It doesn't change anything other than being something I can live with. Of course I don't want a life with LO, though HOPE, like you said, is difficult to be rid of. So now I view it as 'just one of those things'. Its not the elephant in the room any more, it's definitely visible and welcome to stay. In time I might learn something from it.

But for now, at least I don't have to fight it.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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french girl
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by french girl » Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:36 am

Sara72 wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 3:28 pm
I just can't understand how some people enjoy limerence. Even the highs in the good times were a toll. I am so very fed up with it.
I think the reason why I keep on enjoying limerence is boredom : my life feels really empty without limerence.
It must seem really different for you because your limerent experience wasn't a virtual one : you had a real relationship with your LO, and reading your presentation thread, it seems your LO is a really obnoxious guy.
It's so good that you're able to stay No Contact...
When limerence is just a daydream and nothing more, it seems you can keep on indefinitely to dream about it, even if it hurts in the long run...

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David
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by David » Fri Apr 20, 2018 8:12 am

Hope is part of the human condition so its natural when we develop such intense feelings that we cling to hope.

And hoping our LO's will reach out to us is again normal and part of our trajectory through limerence. My experience is it does fade with time. And when we do pine for their attention/validation/ego strokes, see it fir what it is, a void within us that we are looking to fill. Learning to sit with the boredom and empty feelings is part of growth, appreciating when we are distracting ourselves from the mundaneness of life.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Sara72 » Fri Apr 20, 2018 8:42 am

Thx all. I am trying to not fight the hope and thoughts anymore. It's just what it is. I find not engaging with the thoughts (ruminating) the hardest. It makes me feel anxious, but I have come to understand that sitting with the anxious feelings will help me in the long run. For instance when the thought popped up : "He said this and that, he really did not like me" I used to analyse every word looking for reassurance. I have wasted so much brain energy on these internal conversations (this is the OCD factor for me). It gave me a false sense of control. Now I just answer "maybe he did, maybe he didn't", and then I try to move on.
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Acrobatica
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Acrobatica » Fri Apr 20, 2018 12:58 pm

I think it is that exact uncertainty that makes limerence more likely. I also spend far too much time examining these possibilities. I have pushed for closure from LO and even that was not very satisfying. He told me he has no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with me, and I am still parsing words, because the question I asked was do you have feelings for me. But what he said was actually far more final. And my mind still looks for ways to carry on this fantasy.

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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by MrSpock » Fri Apr 20, 2018 4:20 pm

Sara72 wrote:
Fri Apr 20, 2018 8:42 am
Now I just answer "maybe he did, maybe he didn't", and then I try to move on.
Indeed. But more importantly, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER if he likes you or not.

And it doesn't because we are not just "in love" and it all boils down to whether we can or cannot be with LO. It looks and feels like that, but it isn't.

Limerence is a subtly deceiving mirage. It is as if we were dehydrated, critically needing water, but mistaking that fundamental necessity with wanting to go to sleep, and not being able to sleep, so we keep obsessing for the unreachable wrong solution to an invisible problem.

You think you need him, but him is not what you need, is something else much more buried in your core psique. If you got him, you would distract yourself with a fleeting joy that would fool you into thinking you finally got what you needed, except that you didn't, and the void would still be there to pull you back down to the bottom of the pit as soon as the artificial effect of consummating with LO fades away.

When we say limerence is a wake up call, we don't mean a call to find the love of your life. There is no such thing other than yourself. Is a call to figure out what's so fundamentally missing that you can't be happy with yourself.

Sara72
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Sara72 » Fri Apr 20, 2018 4:30 pm

Spot on MrSpock. I know it is not about him. If he would chase me I would soon get bored. I am just as emotionally unavailable as LO.
F, 46
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There is liberation in a single acceptance

WonkyBrainThe2nd
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by WonkyBrainThe2nd » Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:58 am

Recurring hope is so tricky. Hope has always been such a powerful motivator for me in my life and saved me through some dark times, and it goes against my survival instincts to give up hope on something. There were two songs I listened to a lot during limerence called "Where There's A Will There's a Way" and "Holding On" - both about persevering and believing, despite all hurdles - and that particular mindset kept my limerence hanging on in there.

One thing I found is that my hope regarding LO is connected to hope in other aspects of my life. When I experience feelings of hopelessness regarding something in my life, my feeling of hope for LO intensifies. When I'm generally feeling hopeful for my myself and my future the limerence drops away. I'm hoping he will save me from what feels like a hopeless situation because I don't feel hope for saving myself from it. So when I find myself hoping for LO I try look at what exactly it is I am hoping for, through gaining LO. Human connection? Unconditional love? Safety? Fun? Belonging? Living in the moment? And then I look at the ways I can get that in my life, and I visualise it happening, so I can redirect the hope. It does help.

One thing I did think of doing, and this probably sounds weird, is having a funeral for my hope for LO. Maybe write "I hope LO tells me he loves me" on a piece of paper and burn it, or write it on a stone and drop it in the river. Maybe write an eulogy. Have a good cry. I think part of my problem in letting LO go completely is that I have a problem with grief in general, that it wasn't dealt with well in my family, we cover it up and ignore it, and I don't know how to grieve properly. Whenever I find myself going through the stages of letting go of limerence, I seem to get stuck at that grieving stage and so I cycle back into hope instead.

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