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How to deal with the feeling of hope

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
Sara72
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How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Sara72 » Wed Apr 18, 2018 11:28 am

I have been no contact since 6 december 2017. That's when I last sent LO a text. He never replied. It is the longest I have been no contact with him and I find it easy to resist the urge to text him. Sure my mind wanders off and comes up with ideas how to contact him, but in the past I caved and now I am able to sit the urge out. So that's good! But......I can't help hoping he will get in touch one day. He did that one time before after 1 year of silence. I could block his number, but he still has my emailadress (blocking his email will only send it to the spam folder which I check regularly because normal mails tend to end up there). And if he really wants to get in touch, there are other ways as well (social media).

So, basically my mind keeps on whispering that maybe he'll reach out one day. This gives me a little hit of dopamine every time and a little crash when I try to rationalize the hope. I keep telling myself he won't, that I don't even really want him to, that it's my addiction speaking. But I feel like I am stuck a bit on this.

Any suggestions or experiences?
F, 46
LO, M, 41
There is liberation in a single acceptance

Anna
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Canada

Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Anna » Wed Apr 18, 2018 4:31 pm

The only suggestion I have and it may sound blunt, is that these feelings are telling you to keep working on yourself. They are a meter for your personal state of development by way of showing you that there are still bits and pieces in your brain/mind/emotions that have not been healed from the 'wrong program' which was established a looong time ago.. So long ago that you can't remember and that's what makes it so hard.

I had that urge to contact LO a few days ago and I was proud of myself that I could sit it out, but then it got misdirected into another field last night> I so badly wanted something sweet and there was nothing in the house, so I walked about 30 minutes to get myself an icecream...
So the problem is still there.... just re-directed from one area into another.... it showed me that my personality is prone to addictive behaviour which I wasn't really aware of until recently. But I know it's crunch time and I have to face I am an addict of some sort ... it's a shadow that's really dark ... it's a black hole :))

Sara72
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Sara72 » Wed Apr 18, 2018 6:47 pm

Lol. I caught myself wondering lately.... Going back to smoking might fix the limerence 😁 But no... Bad idea.
I am sensitive to addictions too. And yes I still have work to do. I consider myself an addict for life.
F, 46
LO, M, 41
There is liberation in a single acceptance

Maddie
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Maddie » Wed Apr 18, 2018 8:05 pm

Saw title and could relate. The hope that he'll contact me needs to simmer out! I am right in that spot too. Still working to heal, to grieve, to get on with my life. What struck me is before the LE began, maybe I was just going through the motions of life and this was the wake up call that I needed !
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

Sara72
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Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2018 8:18 am
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Sara72 » Wed Apr 18, 2018 8:13 pm

Yes this was definately my wake up call too. I've had earlier signals but ignored those. This one was like a crowbar that cracked me open.
F, 46
LO, M, 41
There is liberation in a single acceptance

MrSpock
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by MrSpock » Wed Apr 18, 2018 9:57 pm

This is a good question.

On the one hand, I completely agree with Anna in that if the hope lingers, which means you won't or can't give up, is because the underlying causes are still unresolved.
So, rather than trying to lose the hope, keep working on the causes.

But on the other hand, if you are like me, you'll never give up. And that is a virtue, until it isn't :)

In my case at least, what fuels it is a blind faith that something is going to happen even if it seems totally impossible (just as in the first episode of Netflix's "Lost in Space" new show).
And in my experience that often is the case. But not always, and it probably takes a lot of "other" experiences to tell the difference.

Here is a story of mine (which I haven't shared before here) which is related to (not) knowing when to give up:

In my early twenties I went to shop for a pencil or so to a library store and crushed really hard for the girl attending the store. I came back the next day and started talking to her. Soon I was going every day and we talked for HOURS, and I could unequivocally see that she was so happy to see me and spend time with me. A few days later I finally asker her out and she said yes. I sort of freaked out so I just left thinking that we'll get to the details of our first date the next day. But the next day she changed her mind and told me she wouldn't go out with me, and wouldn't tell me why.
Limerence kicked in and I kept going day after day. I couldn't stop thinking about her, and my life reduced to those hours I was there with her. But she kept refusing to move to the next level, yet she was still incredibly thrilled each time I showed up, so I just couldn't stop doing it.
Eventually, about 8 months later, we were spending so much time together in the store that the owner noticed that I was always there, and she was always talking to me instead of properly working. The owner became quite upset, turned into my worst enemy, and wanted me to stop. I wouldn't stop because I wouldn't give up, even though I kept asking her out from time to time, and she kept saying no. Hope that she'll came to her sense was something I could never lose.
But one day the store owner gave us a really hard ultimatum that if I showed up ever again he would fire her. She was really upset but told me she really needed the job, so I left her a love letter, a rose, my phone number and never showed up again.

But then, so typical of an LE, I spent about a year coming home each and every day hoping to see her message on the answering machine (this was before the internet :)
That never happened :((

Interestingly, about a year later I was in a relationship, so from the safety of that I went by. She then confessed that she was in fact in love with me, to some extent at least, but she was in a relationship with a drug addict. After she said yes the first time, she started to fear what would really happen if she left him. Most likely he'll kill himself, and she couldn't have that on her conscious. So she had to change her mind and refused. Those days she couldn't wait to see me show up at the store, but her feelings where not enough to left him.
Of course, she did eventually left him when she couldn't take it anymore, so that day she was actually single.. but I was not /:)

A a few months later I was single again, and I was just about to go see her one (last?) time, but a close friend of mine that knew the story and was (is) a psychologist, strongly advised me not to, explaining that I was obsessed with her and a real relationship would end in a disaster. Funny because he didn't use the term limerence back them but he sort of described it very well.

I kept thinking and obsessing about her for years, because I kept being unable to give up and loose all hope. Fortunately, eventually it faded out. But if I knew about limerence then I would have worked on myself instead of clinging to her.

Sara72
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Sara72 » Thu Apr 19, 2018 8:28 am

Thx for sharing MrSpock. Your LO from back then sounds like a nice person, so I can totally understand the hope lingering. My LO I don't even really like. I am drawn to a fantasy of him, a guy that I believed existed underneath the arrogance. And it is the fantasy that is at the basis of the hope. That the frog will return and that he has turned into a prince. And there is a lot of self blame too, because I feel like I was the difficult one (he told me so). So I am working on my feeling self worth.
F, 46
LO, M, 41
There is liberation in a single acceptance

L-F
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United States of America

Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by L-F » Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:08 am

I don't think you can kill hope. You just gotta learn to live with it imo.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Idiotic
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Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Idiotic » Thu Apr 19, 2018 2:29 pm

L-F wrote:
Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:08 am
I don't think you can kill hope. You just gotta learn to live with it imo.
True.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

Sara72
Posts: 85
Joined: Mon Apr 16, 2018 8:18 am
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Netherlands

Re: How to deal with the feeling of hope

Post by Sara72 » Thu Apr 19, 2018 3:28 pm

It will disappear once the limerence fades I guess. I just can't understand how some people enjoy limerence. Even the highs in the good times were a toll. I am so very fed up with it.
F, 46
LO, M, 41
There is liberation in a single acceptance

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