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NC -- Thoughts

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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AMA210
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Mon Jan 22, 2018 5:15 pm

It's mid-Janiuary, cloudy, rainy, snowy, sleety, downright yucky weather....I will compare my state of mind today to a car battery -- sputtering, barely starting, dragging though the day, running on fumes and then BAM, the battery is dead and it needs a jump start really really bad, ya know to see if that will get it going again.

That jumpstart wears a black jacket and a glimpse would be enough.

DH isn't doing it and I am trying like all hell to find it within...dammit...blah :-l
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Mon Jan 22, 2018 10:10 pm

The absence of the LO magnifies the state of my relationship with DH. Last year at this time, it was "fine" because I really wasn't active in it because I was either too high or too busy trying to get a hit. Now I see it as it actually is and its no small wonder that I wanted to be that distracted, all of the time.

I wonder if all of that emotion that is poured into LO somehow shuts off the line to DH. It seems I am in limbo once again, waiting around for it to go back on. I can't go back to the way I felt before LE, so I imagine it's a sort of "falling in love again" with DH. But, what if that never happens? How long does one wait for that to happen?

I get a sense that DH has given up and that his "funk" does not include spiffing himself up to attract me again. Right now, I'm not attracted and although I feel badly for having to admit that here, the lack of connection has crept into the bedroom and quite frankly, I don't give a damn because it can be my turn anytime and with minimal effort.

This surprises me, as I thought once the limerence calmed down, I would be magically and utterly attracted to DH again and our connection would be the best ever and this mess would be overcome. It's not looking that way.

I am trying to be honest with DH and he isn't liking it. Lying is easier and doesn't hurt. He got so good at lying to his dad all of the time and covering it up because he didn't approve and DH feared being disowned. All of the skeletons are marching out of the closet and me churning up that dirt via projection onto LO is creating quite a fucking mess over here. @-)

So, what to do, how to proceed? NC is working and I can't control LO anyway, so let that go. I can't control or change DH either, so that leaves me. I don't know where I will end up, but I feel I am heading the right way. Just have to keep moving forward and trust that it will work out, as intended. Keeping the faith.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:27 pm

Five weeks and six days later....on Friday afternoon, on my way to the bank, LO and I passed each other on the road. I looked at him and him at me. I was surprised as all hell. Mr. black jacket man. He was in a black Chevy truck, which also surprised me because he usually drives the Silverado.

Seconds after I saw him, I started swearing, and all of the way to the bank. What the fuck just happened? This is always my reaction when I see him unexpectedly. Surprise, anger, profanity. I need to look at why it's this reaction and what it's triggering in me. So far, no ideas.

I got home and cried for a while, realizing how I miss him and want to be with him, but cannot. I recalled the last time I saw him and how jealous I was. Dammit all to hell.

That night, I decided that I wasn't going to get a "high" from this. I haven't the last several times, but it wouldn't be worth the pain. I remembered how it was before--hit, high for a day and then crash for a few days. I would lose a week of my life just from the highs and lows. And the fact that I don't know when or if I will see him again and I can't deal with that either.

I discussed it with DH and that is what started us talking about our relationship. So maybe seeing him was a good thing. But, now, of course, when I am on those roads, I am on the lookout for his truck. I figure he passes by my house at
least once a day either by truck or bike. I am one block north of the main road that is by the school and my house is seen from that road.

I have finally realized how much I gave to LO and how I got nothing back. A somber truth, no doubt.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

marko
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by marko » Tue Jan 30, 2018 5:40 pm

That LO antenna always on the ready. I can't for the life of me not check the license plate of every white car. Even though it's a white Malibu, even if I see any white sedan I check the plate. I just glance at em all, just in case. I was 1000 miles away and the head just swivels, then I laugh shake my head -- hey that white ambulance, must be in there =)) Wait a second that white Buick, nope she's 100. 8-}

I'd hate your torture of the LO driving by. Guess you could get a lawn chair and flash him numbers. Like on a day you think meh, give him a 5, then when it's perfect a 10. Read quickly past the flash him part. =))

Spinnaker
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by Spinnaker » Tue Jan 30, 2018 5:58 pm

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Last edited by Spinnaker on Thu Jan 31, 2019 8:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
“We are tied in a single garment of destiny. What affects one directly affects everyone indirectly”.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Tue Jan 30, 2018 6:13 pm

marko wrote:
Tue Jan 30, 2018 5:40 pm
That LO antenna always on the ready. I can't for the life of me not check the license plate of every white car. Even though it's a white Malibu, even if I see any white sedan I check the plate. I just glance at em all, just in case. I was 1000 miles away and the head just swivels, then I laugh shake my head -- hey that white ambulance, must be in there =)) Wait a second that white Buick, nope she's 100. 8-}

I'd hate your torture of the LO driving by. Guess you could get a lawn chair and flash him numbers. Like on a day you think meh, give him a 5, then when it's perfect a 10. Read quickly past the flash him part. =))
A number flasher.....love that. Actually, I actually considered doing that last spring. On my driving by, one day could be a 10, an 11, a 35, etc. I never could figure out how to drive and hold the sign with the other hand. I thought of taping it to my window but that would be really obvious. :-B
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Tue Jan 30, 2018 6:22 pm

@Spinnaker: "Since your reaction to seeing LO is so different from how I've reacted when seeing his car and motorcycle, it has me wondering... I am curious how many of us would get angry like this when we see LO while trying to maintain N/C. I think that could be something for you to dig in and see if you can figure out why. Additionally, going home and crying... still... after all this time seems odd. Not saying you are strange.... Just sounds like LO still triggers something unresolved.

Everything you share about your T sounds great. Have you thoroughly reviewed your earliest memories, AMA? Do you have anyone you can ask questions to about what was going on when you were a baby?"

LOL....I know it's strange. It's the first time that I was able to sit down with it and look at it. This happened all of the time when I saw him at school or at pick up. One time I was waiting to get my daughter from chess, 5 min window, and he came out with his bike. I just started crying. I will ask my T about it because it keeps happening. But, it's only when I don't expect to see him, like being surprised and caught off guard. If I know I will see him, then not that reaction.

I have recently started going back to my early memories, from age 5. A powerful one from being abandoned and I felt the fear in that, 40+ years later. I had a difficult childhood. I have asked my sister about me being a baby. Her memories are vague, so not much help there.

Thanks for the response. :ymhug:
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

Spinnaker
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by Spinnaker » Tue Jan 30, 2018 6:50 pm

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Last edited by Spinnaker on Thu Jan 31, 2019 8:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
“We are tied in a single garment of destiny. What affects one directly affects everyone indirectly”.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Tue Jan 30, 2018 7:57 pm

You are welcome. :D

Should be interesting to figure out why that is causing that extreme reaction. I hope it can be. It's been happening since I've known him and I don't have or had that reaction to anyone else. Just LO.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Thu Feb 01, 2018 12:10 am

The regression began several days ago. It continued today, with me waiting at the 4-way stop and there goes LO in his big Silverado, standing up in he back of it, holding something down, his ass facing towards me. It's ok....I will be a recluse, a prisoner in my own neighborhood.

Those stone washed jeans caressing that ass, GASP... :ymdevil: should be a damn crime I tell you...I should have left that intersection tasered and handcuffed.

It's ok, just add some fuel to my already hot flash day and poof, I'm gone, reduced to a fit of =)) like a fucking school girl or Rudolph and Clarise "she said I'm cute" =)) ....hope some of you are laughing by now.

I have not seen LO for 6 weeks and them bam and now bam again. I think I will have to find that song from the Brady Bunch, "Feelin' Groovy". :D
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

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