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Why is going NC so hard?

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
Trilby
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2015 4:55 pm

Re: Why is going NC so hard?

Post by Trilby » Mon Dec 14, 2015 9:13 pm

I'm new to this forum and now I'm getting confused. Are supposedly all LOs narcissists????? Mine is definitely not. He has very little self-esteem and a lot of problems. He has only slightly abused me --and not on purpose-- by disappearing down the rabbithole for either a bender or a period of sobriety. These disappearances have been very painful but have lasted "only" 2-3 weeks. But now it's been 2 months since I asked him if we were done and he answered "Yeah, we're done. Sorry." And my heart broke.

We live in the same building and always will. I see him infrequently but when I do it's weird. I want to text him but I feel like I should really go to his apartment and talk to him in person. I've been mostly NC for the 2 months, and it bugs me-- I feel like I'm making it easy for him, letting him off the hook, giving him what he wants for some reason. Why does he get to decide that we're done?! I'm not done!

I was good for him. When not with me, he's a hermit. He forgets how to talk like a normal person. He gets delusional. He sits in his studio apt watching stupid things on TV, drinking too much and getting fat AF. He has zero friends. He could not attract another woman if his life depended on it.

Oh god, I don't know what to do. Some days are not so bad, but today these feelings are killing me. I'm so close to texting him....

Getoverit
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun Dec 06, 2015 8:47 am

Re: Why is going NC so hard?

Post by Getoverit » Mon Dec 14, 2015 11:26 pm

Hi Trilby
You have done so well. NC for that amount of time. Stay strong. Don't give up.

You say "I'm not done". But isn't that part of why you came here. Because you are done feeling this way?

It's not up to you to rescue him from his bad choices and lifestyle. You are the important person that you need to look after.

Ar one stage I I felt exactly like you. Thinking that I was so good for him. LE sucks.

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InsaneEp1phany
Posts: 130
Joined: Wed Nov 11, 2015 9:59 pm
Location: Canada
Age: 33

Re: Why is going NC so hard?

Post by InsaneEp1phany » Thu Dec 17, 2015 5:44 am

Trilby wrote:I'm new to this forum and now I'm getting confused. Are supposedly all LOs narcissists????? Mine is definitely not. He has very little self-esteem and a lot of problems.
Welcome, Trilby :wave: I like to think of LOs in a general sense as beings we consider to be special beyond recognition... and by allowing ourselves the to let them acknowledge their unfailing prowess, we're basically ego-boosters for them. They eventually morph into narcissists. :lol:

But no seriously, I think every LO is different and have varying levels of 'narcissism' maybe but I don't exactly consider my LO as one. Maybe he has some perfectionistic tendencies as far as maintaining his physique... but not necessarily the demanding, manipulative type... (but I probably don't know much about him to state otherwise so :roll: ) If I can recall the very first time I met him, he was almost like the male version of me. Yes, I pretty much saw a mirror in him. I could relate to him then unlike now. He seemed more human; he felt misunderstood by most people at the time and felt equally vulnerable. I'm not sure what happened along the way that caused a gradual change in his behavior: he became more sociable and outgoing. Less gloomy and more optimistic. This caused my limerence to go up several notches and made me want him all the more.

Seriously, going NC is self-sabotage especially when you feel like the limerence is still there, making you feel guilty and regret, at the same time, giving you hope and uncertainty. Crazy combination. An opposition of feelings. Some days it's like stairway to heaven... and some days it's highway to hell. ( :lol: see what I did there? lol)
We obsess about people who mirror things in ourselves that need attention.--Martha Beck

"When the subconscious mind must choose between deeply rooted emotions and logic, EMOTIONS will almost always WIN." --T. Harv Eker

JupiterTaco
Posts: 3845
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Why is going NC so hard?

Post by JupiterTaco » Thu Dec 31, 2015 8:32 pm

It's not going NC that's hard, it's keeping it, at least for me. I broke NC to see once and for all if something was there and it wasn't. It was something I had to do and even though it hurts right now I stand by the fact that I had to do it. Your LO sounds like a real tool though. Who actually says "we're done, sorry"? I could understand if someone hurt you really bad but otherwise? That's just terrible.

I had read that our LOs are likely narcissists but I hadn't really believed that about my own. He gave every impression of having low self-esteem and insecurity but when I talked to him these last two times I've realized he very well might be. My mother is one as well as my first boyfriend. I just wonder why I wasn't drawn to him like my LO.
F.E.A.R-Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise

Lost_one
Posts: 14
Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2016 12:32 am

Re: Why is going NC so hard?

Post by Lost_one » Wed Feb 03, 2016 1:51 am

For me NC was not an option because of how good friends we are. I am trying to do a version of LC. Can't do true LC so doing items like no lingering to long when I talk. LO is nice so makes it hard to do. I am just going to still speak and be friends with LO just watch myself I'm lingering. I am starting there and see how that works.

Lonelygirl
Posts: 95
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Age: 34

Re: Why is going NC so hard?

Post by Lonelygirl » Sun Feb 07, 2016 1:00 am

I think NC makes things harder for me anyway, I'm always wondering if he hadn't left and I was forced into NC or even knowing where he was would I still be feeling like this 17 and a half yrs down the line. I don't know and it's something I'll never know but I think nc and made me long for him more and more and I don't think I'd still be this bad if I had LC with him

elleseyes
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United States of America

Re: Why is going NC so hard?

Post by elleseyes » Sat Nov 25, 2017 8:14 pm

OMG! Maybe that has been my problem all along!

My mother's a narcissist. She didn't want kids. She got pregnant because she was going through menopause. I was loved, but I was raised like a little adult. There was no hugging or displays of affection as this was not typical of that generation. So I've been limerent since early childhood because I'm craving the attention and closeness. SMH!

Good article and info on narcissistic abuse! Who woulda thunk?!

kenophobia
Posts: 63
Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2016 3:01 pm

Re: Why is going NC so hard?

Post by kenophobia » Sat Nov 25, 2017 11:21 pm

I agreed NC with an ex partner who requested it. It is hard. She's been in my thoughts far too much recently after breaking NC and I've been in a dilemma as to whether and how to respond. A minefield for limerent prone people.

I'm wary of using labels like narcissist and narcissistic abuse. There are too many problems with projection, confirmation bias, etc and how many of us have formal psychological training? Even if we do, we can't be objective about our present or former partners, so should be wary of diagnosing them. What I notice is that some people, myself included, find it hard to integrate the good and bad aspects of someone's personality. Leading to viewing them as all-good or all-bad. From what I've read that's a 'borderline' trait but I see it in myself and many other people I know, none of whom have ever been formally diagnosed with BPD.

The no contact rule is essential for limerents and people who have trouble letting go of the past. Re-initiating contact causes the cycle to repeat, especially when a relationship had become damaging to the people involved. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to restrain yourself from making contact, even if that means the other will feel abandoned, or worse like you never really loved them. We all feel the pull to rescue, but there is no sense in drowning both people by giving into a fantasy. Somebody has to be strong enough to impose a boundary. I can only be responsible for myself.

What I find interesting is my tendency to recreate the same dynamics in friendship, romantic, and business life. The theme is regular engagement with someone who pushes boundaries, my collusion in letting my boundaries be trampled, followed by a 'last straw' which causes me to react to the boundary pushing by imposing no contact. Usually from the position of 'victim' (how could you treat me this way) or 'persecutor' (s/he is a bad person because ______). And earlier in each relationship, I took on the role of rescuer.

The challenge for any new relationship of whatever type is:
1) to help without rescuing (interesting distinction)
2) declare boundaries politely and respectfully from the outset
and
3) impose consequences for breaking boundaries

In all the relationships which have ended up as full NC, whether friends colleagues or lovers, there was a pattern where I failed to establish boundaries and impose consequences, and to be quite frank I colluded in their drama.

The original question is 'why is it hard'. I don't have a better answer than that it is unfamiliar and goes against what we habitually do. And there must be some core reasons - perhaps related to fear of disapproval or punishment from the (family) group - for asserting ourselves.

JohnDeux
Posts: 1937
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Why is going NC so hard?

Post by JohnDeux » Sun Nov 26, 2017 12:03 am

kenophobia wrote:
Sat Nov 25, 2017 11:21 pm
What I find interesting is my tendency to recreate the same dynamics in friendship, romantic, and business life. The theme is regular engagement with someone who pushes boundaries, my collusion in letting my boundaries be trampled, followed by a 'last straw' which causes me to react to the boundary pushing by imposing no contact. Usually from the position of 'victim' (how could you treat me this way) or 'persecutor' (s/he is a bad person because ______). And earlier in each relationship, I took on the role of rescuer.
........
The original question is 'why is it hard'. I don't have a better answer than that it is unfamiliar and goes against what we habitually do. And there must be some core reasons - perhaps related to fear of disapproval or punishment from the (family) group - for asserting ourselves.
Yet another entry I could have written myself. And your comment about seeing others as either good or bad resonates with bhicks post about "Idealization and Devaluation": https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idealizat ... evaluation . Add my marriage to your list above of "friendship, romantic, and business life", and that about sums it up. One really tough, deeply problematic aspect of my marriage is the disparity between the two of us as we exit an argument. Better now than before, but I've generally thought "That's it!...we argued heatedly!....the marriage is finished!". Whereas SO just sees this as part of being married. Noted years before in my entries was the feeling like annihilation was imminent. SO was baffled...."Over an argument??!" Yet friends of mine did indeed confide that SO was a bit over-the-top with her outbursts....so did I choose her because she mirrored this same trait from my mother? Hence, kenophobia, I agree that there is likely "...fear of disapproval or punishment from the (family) group - for asserting ourselves.".....yet not just 'fright', but fear of death. It is an unresolved, childish fear of death that arises from threats, real or perceived, of being abandoned at a time in our lives when abandonment **would** have meant death. If that fear is not addressed at some point along the way, it stays with us and we can avoid situations that trigger it, while simultaneously engaging in relationships that bring us once again to the precipice of the abandoning situation. So one theory is that we seek them out....cultivate engagement with such people instead of cutting them off....because we feel that through this engagement, we will find the **right** solution this time to the problem. ("I've been here before.....a fresh start permitting analysis of the playing field for the solution I seek!...") Another theory is what you mentioned: Force of habit. But why not both?
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Endgame
Posts: 248
Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2015 11:09 am

Re: Why is going NC so hard?

Post by Endgame » Sun Nov 26, 2017 1:01 pm

There are obviously different circumstances for NC, which make all the difference.

In cases where a relationship or LE of some sort has ventured into reality and proven unsuccessful or - worse - damaging, it's pretty much agreed on here that NC is the only solution. If there's nothing to salvage. In that circumstance, yes 'force of habit' is an issue. You've realised it's a no-goer, that actually it isn't what you want at all. But you still keep going back for more...that can only really be stupidity, self sabotage or force of habit. I know with my LO, we both agreed NC fairly amicably because we knew it was for the best. He is a much more black and white thinker and was able to do this. Despite having been in complete agreement, I wasn't.. .I fought it and kept reaching out to him, acted like a petulant child to be honest at being 'friendzoned' and took the NC as rejection or abandonment. Completely overlooking the fact that we'd both rationally decided it was the only way. Today I'm incredibly grateful that he had the strength to enforce it where I didn't.. .it forced me to go complete cold turkey with the year of very painful withdrawal symptoms that followed it. The reality was that the void I was left with hurt more than the pain of never being able to align my life with his...but temporarily. It was surmountable. The bigger issues never would have been. Why was it so hard? Because withdrawal is hard, it's painful. Because to not see the end as abandonment and to stop being the centre of someone's world is catastrophic to your self image. And because your routine albeit a flawed routine is interrupted.

Then there's the other types of NC...where only one party wants it. Where neither party really wants it. Or where one person is enforcing it based on projections of a situation that may not even be occurring - which isn't even NC, it's evasion and symptomatic of internal issues not those within a relationship or interaction.

Why then is it so hard? Because it is an 'unreality' based on false perceptions. Whilst true NC forces you to go through a painful withdrawal process to emerge into clarity, this kind of NC can only take you further into shadow beliefs and you'll always look back never knowing what really happened. We spend too much time projecting on behalf of others then wondering why we struggle and feel pain. Why do we dance with rhetoric, create drama then claim we despise drama? Why not ask straight questions, get straight answers (we may very well not like) but address them and move rationally either into the type of logical NC you can grow from, or with people in your life who have spelt out their part in it?

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