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NC -- Thoughts

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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Maddie
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Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by Maddie » Tue Jul 24, 2018 7:48 pm

Now that is awesome!
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

AMA210
Posts: 1912
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Tue Aug 07, 2018 12:12 pm

On Sunday night, I found myself presented with a unique opportunity to practice my new skills. I couldn't pass it up. I drove by the school and LO was out in the parking lot hosing off religious statues. I found it odd to be doing that instead of being home. Nonetheless, I pulled in and and his back was towards me and he had headphones on, so I stopped, and he didn't turn around, so I waited for that, but in the meantime, was checking out his ass. :ymblushing: For the record, it wasn't as impressive, as it's flat as a pancake, due to so much biking. For some reason, he has assumed that it just yanks my crank because I purposely looked down at it once and from then on, it's his thing, and apparently mine. B-)

I couldn't back up, so I moved ahead, did a tight turn around, squealing tires and all, and ended up on the other side of him. I asked him if he would wash my car and he replied that he was busy. I said ok, then, have to be another day, and drove away.

Probably for the first time, I realized and accepted the fact that he is moody. It's kind of hit or miss with him. There have been really good interactions and others not so good. His demeanor changes and is not consistent. I would say I am more consistent daily and throughout the day. I had known this about him before, but just overlooked it. For the first time, I understood that his moodiness is not my fault and I most likely wasn't the cause of it. Also, I didn't take on his mood and let it affect mine. Huge for me to see this.

In the past, he would have either given in to my requests (people pleaser) or I would have spent time trying to coerce, convince and manipulate him into doing what I wanted. By him telling me he didn't want to do it, he stood up for what his need was at the time, and I respected that. I feel like this has never happened with anyone else, ever. It gave me a new angle of what respect is. He stood his ground, was assertive, and didn't run away from the situation and I accepted his response, as is.

So, in retrospect, this was good for me. I would have preferred for him to engage with me and hose off my car. It would have been fun on a hot day. Although, if this happened, there would have been no clear indication of personal growth, both mine and his.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

AMA210
Posts: 1912
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Fri Aug 31, 2018 7:06 pm

Being away on vacation was good last week. I stayed with a friend who was in the same location as us and ended up doing a 2 night sleepover, which resulted in me basking in my freedom and not missing DH. A bit of a surprise to me, but not really.

When we arrived home, and passed the school, I started crying because I knew I would have to fight with that again. Actually, though it's going ok. I don't feel compelled to drive around there. I am no longer in the grips of limerence or obsession. LO was outside on Tuesday and I saw him, and it was ok. I didn't go back. He looks the same, always needs a haircut. He lost the black jacket/sunglasses "cool" look. B-)

He has his journey. I have mine.
Even though reciprocation exists, both of us know where the line is.

I decided that all of the energy that went to him will now go to me.
I am trying new things. Did Yoga for the first time ever this morning. I can already see it will make a positive contribution to my health.
Walking in the morning instead of arguing with DH.
Meditating after lunch.
Surrounding myself with positive people.
Speaking and living my truth and being authentic.

There is so much I have learned in the past year.
Now I am taking steps to heal and to apply what has been learned.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

Maddie
Posts: 751
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by Maddie » Sat Sep 01, 2018 9:34 pm

Nice work, AMA! :)
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

AMA210
Posts: 1912
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Wed Nov 07, 2018 7:11 pm

There just will not be NC with LO. It's been LC and that will continue. We use the same roads away from school. In September, we were in the "same place, same time" a total of five times within 2 weeks. It's always the same reaction from both of us -- "deer in headlights", stop and freeze. :-? One time he was at the four way stop, waiting to turn and I came up to the stop and both of us are sitting there, looking, neither moving. Then we both started moving at the same time and stopped again. I waved for him to go. It's funny to add that there are not any other cars around us. Madness.

But, the really good thing here is that I have, for the most part, no emotional reaction. I have just about mastered that. And, he no longer triggers me. The biggest triggers for me before were abandonment, rejection, and control. I have worked through all of these.

There seems to be a period of activity and then it stops and starts again. I go with the flow now. I got myself off of the wheel. I rarely drive by the school now and if I am in that vicinity and the door is open, I turn away. This took months of inner work to do this. When I was deep in the grasp of LE, this was impossible to even consider.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

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