NC was broken by LO after 6 weeks and 11 days.
A time when I was at the 4 way stop and saw the doors closed, so safe to drive by.
On approach, LO was sitting on his cart, near the curb, on his phone, and saw my vehicle and motioned me to stop, which I did.
He asked how I was doing and where my daughter goes to school.
I was surprised as all hell, yet able to talk coherently.
I asked if he wanted to see my tattoo and showed him that, which he liked and said it looked really good. He asked what it meant snd I said it was the transformation of my heart and soul and he said "what are you transforming into"? I said a better version of me. He said to take care and see you around.
Some time later, I sat with my feelings and from that 5 minute conversation with him, realized this: I didn't feel high, so the floating away feelings I had before was from all of those chemicals being released. I felt neither limerent, obsessed, or empty. It reminded me of the very beginning of my conversations with LO before limerence hit. He is a regular guy, not perfect, with issues and baggage, struggling too. I felt happy, content, peaceful and grateful for meeting him.
In the days that followed, I felt blessed to experience this because so much good has come from it. From this, my thoughts became more positive and I did a focus poster for March with things that I want to do for me to heal my body, mind and spirit. I felt empowered, encouraged and motivated that I can do what I apply myself to. It was a very positive experience and a necessary interaction at this time.
In regards to DH, there is no movement. We remain stuck. My view and understanding has changed considerably and I feel as though I see our relationship as it truly has been, for at least the past five years, if not more. LE gave me more clarity. There was minimal progress. DH is not ready for therapy and he thinks it's a waste of money. He doesn't need to be fixed because he isn't the one with the problem because I am the one who "strayed" because I was looking for attention. OK.
We had a discussion and he asked if I still had feelings for LO. I told him that when you feel so intensely for someone, it takes a longer time to move on from that. In almost 2 years, DH has not accepted responsibility for his part in this. It didn't start with his dad's death--25 years of him choosing his parents over me and me taking it because I didn't deserve more. I asked him if he wanted the marriage to work and he said yeah. I asked him if he forgave me and he said sure. I asked him if it was good between us and he flashed me a fake smile, with two thumbs up, and said everything is fine. IT IS NOT FINE.
I fear he is becoming his dad. Last night, he "scolded" me for spending too much money and that I am "high maintenance". I don't think I am and I don't buy things I don't need. He said I need to "make food" (cook) and I can do that. He told me all of the things that he had to pay for, like the addition of wine coolers, expensive soap (bath and body works), expensive cards, like for Valentine's Day, etc...I told him about his casino losses and found out that he has been borrowing money from his mom in the past year, thousands of dollars, because it's his escape from the reality of me "throwing an axe" into the marriage.
From this, I am realizing that both of us are have changed so drastically that we are not compatible anymore. Sad to say this. I can't change him and actually, he deserves to be happy, just like I do. Neither of us are right now. It is what it is.