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NC -- Thoughts

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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JohnDeux
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by JohnDeux » Thu Feb 01, 2018 1:01 am

AMA210 wrote:
Thu Feb 01, 2018 12:10 am
.... like a fucking school girl or Rudolph and Clarise "she said I'm cute" =)) ....hope some of you are laughing by now.
Okay....this *did* have me laughing. I have often joked with co-workers who all have higher degrees which required grueling examinations on academic matters on why it is that I could not remember certain crucial exam answers,.....but could always remember the lyrics of "There's always tomorrow...", sung by Clarisse if I'm not mistaken? Isn't the brain a strange thing?.....or a strange place?....or maybe both? B-)

And now, for infantile digression #347:

Sometimes a pan-global, communal laugh is good for us all, AMA.....stay strong!
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

mamasita
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by mamasita » Thu Feb 01, 2018 4:13 pm

:)) Between the Bradys and Rudolph

Interesting how you get angry when caught off guard by LO. I get angry when that happens too. There's a few things to it to me...
Control - I saw you, you saw me, unexpected, and I like to CONTROL that type of situation. I want to be ready, primped, confident, ready.
When it's unexpected, I feel blinded-sided and it makes me instantly cold and stand-offish. Like someone pulled a prank on me and I did not appreciate it.
One day LO pulled up at the gas station, came to my car and said hello. I looked at him like :|

A thought I had was, why didn't I KNOW that you would be at this gas station? I should have KNOWN! Which leads to, I should be in your life and I'd have KNOWN! BUT D@MNIT I'M NOT! X(

AMA210
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Tue Feb 06, 2018 7:24 pm

Finally understanding how I became enmeshed with LO and did everything to keep it going, while he did nothing. It's like me telling myself, "you don't deserve anything back because you aren't good enough." He acknowledged the soulful letter with a retouched pic from hell where he made himself ugly. That is so childish. My critique of his ugliness was met with another pic, risqué in nature, a particular thing very apparent in his khaki pants and a close up pic with half of his SO's face in the pic and his face fully visible.

He clearly communicates using pictures, much like a very young child would, and so this is what I deserve.

I need to realize this here because the next time I want to write to him, I must read this first. Has he shown you that he is worth the effort? No. I will not do this anymore to myself. I deserve better!! Obviously, the third time was the charm in waking me up.

[-x
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

AMA210
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Sat Mar 03, 2018 3:29 pm

mamasita wrote:
Thu Feb 01, 2018 4:13 pm
:)) Between the Bradys and Rudolph

Interesting how you get angry when caught off guard by LO. I get angry when that happens too. There's a few things to it to me...
Control - I saw you, you saw me, unexpected, and I like to CONTROL that type of situation. I want to be ready, primped, confident, ready.
When it's unexpected, I feel blinded-sided and it makes me instantly cold and stand-offish. Like someone pulled a prank on me and I did not appreciate it.
One day LO pulled up at the gas station, came to my car and said hello. I looked at him like :|

A thought I had was, why didn't I KNOW that you would be at this gas station? I should have KNOWN! Which leads to, I should be in your life and I'd have KNOWN! BUT D@MNIT I'M NOT! X(
I have been thinking about this anger that is triggered every time I saw LO unexpectedly. It happened every single time and I never knew why and gave up trying to figure it out. From your response, it caused me to rethink it. I believe it went back to childhood and not being able to anticipate what would happen next. It's unpredictable and I wasn't expecting to see him and I wasn't prepared for that. My home life was chaotic and I wasn't able to predict when or how a conflict would arise. Many times, we planned on going to a party and get into the car, my mom giving directions to my dad, and he would make a wrong turn and then she would yell and call him stupid and we would be lost and she would say, I'm gonna have a heart attack, and then we would come home. I was not able to predict the outcome of anything. So having him suddenly appear reactivated that feeling and also being helpless by having no control over it at all.

Thank you!
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

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Spinnaker
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by Spinnaker » Sat Mar 03, 2018 5:17 pm

AMA Thinking back I recall your anger being surprising to hear and a bit disproportionate to the situation. I hope finding answers like this can help you move on. :ymhug:

AMA210
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:32 pm

NC was broken by LO after 6 weeks and 11 days.
A time when I was at the 4 way stop and saw the doors closed, so safe to drive by.
On approach, LO was sitting on his cart, near the curb, on his phone, and saw my vehicle and motioned me to stop, which I did.
He asked how I was doing and where my daughter goes to school.
I was surprised as all hell, yet able to talk coherently. :)
I asked if he wanted to see my tattoo and showed him that, which he liked and said it looked really good. He asked what it meant snd I said it was the transformation of my heart and soul and he said "what are you transforming into"? I said a better version of me. He said to take care and see you around.

Some time later, I sat with my feelings and from that 5 minute conversation with him, realized this: I didn't feel high, so the floating away feelings I had before was from all of those chemicals being released. I felt neither limerent, obsessed, or empty. It reminded me of the very beginning of my conversations with LO before limerence hit. He is a regular guy, not perfect, with issues and baggage, struggling too. I felt happy, content, peaceful and grateful for meeting him.

In the days that followed, I felt blessed to experience this because so much good has come from it. From this, my thoughts became more positive and I did a focus poster for March with things that I want to do for me to heal my body, mind and spirit. I felt empowered, encouraged and motivated that I can do what I apply myself to. It was a very positive experience and a necessary interaction at this time.

In regards to DH, there is no movement. We remain stuck. My view and understanding has changed considerably and I feel as though I see our relationship as it truly has been, for at least the past five years, if not more. LE gave me more clarity. There was minimal progress. DH is not ready for therapy and he thinks it's a waste of money. He doesn't need to be fixed because he isn't the one with the problem because I am the one who "strayed" because I was looking for attention. OK.

We had a discussion and he asked if I still had feelings for LO. I told him that when you feel so intensely for someone, it takes a longer time to move on from that. In almost 2 years, DH has not accepted responsibility for his part in this. It didn't start with his dad's death--25 years of him choosing his parents over me and me taking it because I didn't deserve more. I asked him if he wanted the marriage to work and he said yeah. I asked him if he forgave me and he said sure. I asked him if it was good between us and he flashed me a fake smile, with two thumbs up, and said everything is fine. IT IS NOT FINE.

I fear he is becoming his dad. Last night, he "scolded" me for spending too much money and that I am "high maintenance". I don't think I am and I don't buy things I don't need. He said I need to "make food" (cook) and I can do that. He told me all of the things that he had to pay for, like the addition of wine coolers, expensive soap (bath and body works), expensive cards, like for Valentine's Day, etc...I told him about his casino losses and found out that he has been borrowing money from his mom in the past year, thousands of dollars, because it's his escape from the reality of me "throwing an axe" into the marriage.

From this, I am realizing that both of us are have changed so drastically that we are not compatible anymore. Sad to say this. I can't change him and actually, he deserves to be happy, just like I do. Neither of us are right now. It is what it is.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

AMA210
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Wed Mar 21, 2018 12:16 pm

Last week, I saw LO on Monday, Thursday and Saturday -- on different roads away from school. Odd coincidences indeed. All times with the black jacket. :ymblushing: On opposite sides of the road, waiting at the light. It was a chance for me to prove my theory about the anger that was finally figured out. There was no anger and no profanity. Only, "yeah, his hair looks good" and "yeah, there he is". The Saturday encounter was a bit different, as he ended up driving behind me and then I pulled ahead and got in front of him. It was a fine example of "cat and mouse" played out on the road. :-o he would hit the gas and I would catch up and then reversed...I had forgotten how exquisite his side profile is....finally he turned off and I went on my way, trying to figure out what happened.

Later, I figured it was some kind of universe test to see how much I learned and how far I have come out of the limerence. I wasn't high, more amused and surprisingly content. So, I can deal with seeing him and not fresking out. Unbelievable progress in this past year. :ymparty:
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

AMA210
Posts: 1900
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Sun Apr 22, 2018 1:45 pm

I figure out that I have talked to LO three times in the past year and have seen him much more than that, but in the past month, a few times. I don't have that nagging, impulsive drive to see him. I still think about him and I do miss him, but there is no longing, no utter emptiness, no need for him to fill the gaps within. I think this is because I have been learning and working on filling those gaps myself.

The other day I had a decision to make regarding a situation I was in and DH was too busy and LO not accessible, so I looked at it logically and figured it out myself, made a decision and refused guilt about it. It turned out it was the right decision, so using my masculine side of logic and action, combined with intuition worked. I was really proud that I didn't have to run to someone else to tell me what to do. This gave me confidence.

I struggled for so long to move he focus from LO to myself. But, I am doing more of that now. What he wants, thinks, does
is his right. I can't change or convince him to do anything in regards to his marriage.

DH has decided that he will patiently wait for me to finish this "transformation". I told him of my concern for his well being and asked if he was depressed. He said no, you are the one depressed. He will not change and it seems he is getting worse with his paranoia and negative attitude. Just like LO, I have tried to help, offering to read books that would benefit us or him, choosing utube videos to watch, explaining my experiences, etc...I simply cannot hold their hand.

I am working on looking at the entire picture of our marriage, from dating through the present. There were thin cracks when dating and although I just started this, even in the dating stage, there was lack of emotional connection, that I fulfilled by being friends with other guys, including his best friend. This will require a lot of honesty, but it's necessary.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

AMA210
Posts: 1900
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Sat May 19, 2018 3:44 pm

NC seems to be broken at 3-month intervals. Last time came in at nearly 3.5 months, by LO himself.
This time, 4 days shy of 3 months.
Not sure why this is exactly.
It's like my brain is wired for that interval and it's always the same in that it feels like I just talked to LO last week.
I am not quite sure how to break this pattern.
Although, from it, I get a lot of insight and growth comes because of it. New focus, new direction.

From this very few words yesterday, feeling pulled to him, hey how's it going dude, just wanted to say hi. He said "you're not supposed to be here" and I replied ok then, bye. Perhaps last time someone noticed him talking to me by the curb and he got in trouble. Last time, he called me over, was engaged, nice, sweet, playful.....this time not...but maybe my higher self needed to hear that from him in order to progress.

I think for maybe the first time, I completely understood that this is about me.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

AMA210
Posts: 1900
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Mon May 28, 2018 12:16 pm

Complete NC has begun. LO left the school, he quit. There will be no more driving by and no more stopping to talk. Now I truly understand the song he sent me. It didn't quite make sense back then.....don't forget me when I'm gone, my heart will break...impossible to forget him.

The day I stopped may have been his last day. I had wondered why he didn't tell me, but he knew it would be hurtful, and if he did, I would have cried right there. I think there were several reasons why he left. I don't think he was happy there. He was so used to being his own boss and now he had many bosses and he was pulled in so many different directions, trying to appease everyone. Another may have been that being there amid the memories was too painful. We were together everywhere in that school and the garage and parking lot held a lot of emotional interactions.

I took the day and was sad and cried a lot. But, I didn't feel abandoned or rejected or the emptiness that I felt so much before. I have done enough work on myself in the past year to not need him to complete me. I still care for him, yes, but I am able to let him go and be ok with it.

I never thought this would happen. I always thought he would be there until retirement and I would just have to deal with it. I kind of feel like I stepped off of the cliff, but his presence was my safety net, and now that net is gone, so I am floating along on faith alone. Very recently, I saw a monarch butterfly, and I was reminded to "use my wings" that have been developing intensely over this past five months.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

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