Absolute NC - Updates

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
AMA210
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Absolute NC - Updates

Post by AMA210 » Sat Feb 04, 2017 1:42 pm

I am in absolute NC with LO and his family.
The last few months, I have gone between limited, none, all, limited and finally none. Part of the rollercoaster I imagine.
I had 2 attempts at no contact, which didn't work out very well, due to LO working at school.
This absolute NC was initiated by the principal and it had to be done by someone who was outside of this LE.

After the shock wore off, it became a relief to me.
I think in my unconscious, I wanted to get caught. I wanted this to end. At times, I felt I was nearly insane, and every area of my life was affected.

It's interesting how on Tuesday, I was completely immersed in LO and our encounter, completely cut off from my family. In the "leave me alone so I can think about LO" mode. The ache in my heart to be with LO was so intense, as a culmination of all of my previous losses up to this point in my life, an expression of utter despair and realization that this was not possible because he is married.

And on the following day, 5 minutes after his SO told me not to talk to him, I was back at it, talking to him. In these final moments, I wanted to hold onto him and not let go because i needed him to fix me. I hate the feeling of being so desperate that I would have done anything for him, knowing full well that my life would be ruined.

On Thursday and Friday, I cried less. Other things filled my mind, not just LO. All of the chains were broken, just as all of the lines could have been crossed, one by one. I do not long for him today. Rather, I am beginning to long for a better relationship with my DH and my daughter.

I expect there to be days when I will think about LO and all that happened between us, even if most of it was just in my mind. I always thought that if I ever hugged him, it would cause tears, but it didn't. Although I did feel connected to him like no other and it was almost a surreal spiritual experience.
I had my answers and my hug.....all that remained was lust fueled by my obsession.
This ending could have been utterly tragic, beyond repair, many lives affected by one person's selfishness. I have yet to admit that the person was me.

AMA210
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Re: Absolute NC - Updates

Post by AMA210 » Mon Feb 06, 2017 9:36 pm

This NC does not include seeing LO.

In the car line today, I was third in the muscle car. LO appeared about 2:30pm, driving across the parking lot in his little cart, dumped some trash, and drove past my car and then went behind my car on his way to the field house.

I do not know if he looked at me or not because I was looking straight ahead, not at him. :ymparty:
I was playing Bad Girls, Donna Summer, rather loudly.
Seriously though there were other routes available to him.

I think he loved all of the attention I gave him and that is why he kept pulling me back to him. Not this time. It should be interesting how he acts in the coming weeks.

Today I had no fear when I saw him. No crying, no emotion, no love, no hate. I reminded myself that he is a person, not a knight to rescue me, ordinary, probably broken like me, like everyone else.

If he reflects my mom somehow, I am not afraid to stand up to her. I seem to be stronger in that regard. Maybe not intimidated would be better. I am surprised at how much I lost my fear of his rejection. He rejected me one time, but then went back to being nice. I guess my mom did the same thing, rejection than probably remorse and making up by being nice. I forgave her and moved on until the next time. LO would push me away and then be really nice. Push and pull. Always took him back.

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LisaTranscending
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Re: Absolute NC - Updates

Post by LisaTranscending » Mon Feb 06, 2017 10:10 pm

Aquamarine21 wrote:
Mon Feb 06, 2017 9:36 pm
I was playing Bad Girls, Donna Summer, rather loudly.
omg you rock! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpuKgTGJEWs

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LisaTranscending
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Re: Absolute NC - Updates

Post by LisaTranscending » Mon Feb 06, 2017 10:11 pm

but....to be a real bad girl...you have to be wicked independent on male attention.

AMA210
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Re: Absolute NC - Updates

Post by AMA210 » Thu Feb 09, 2017 11:10 pm

I always seem to see LO on my way to counseling. Today was no exception. Never expecting it. Walking across the parking lot with his light blue denim jeans (the only color I wear) and black jacket. I see him for 3 seconds and it all comes flooding back. The thoughts begin, he is so hot, why is he so hot, does he know he is so hot, I am the only one who sees him this way, etc.

I feel sad today that I lost him, that I cannot talk to him, maybe that the fantasy came to a screeching halt. It sucks. I recall from here ebb and flow, it's ok. Cry about it, why the tears, get inside of it. I took a nap and he was there. It's the only place where he can be real to me.

Will there be a time when I will see him and not think thoughts? Will this be part of my life of NC until his kid graduates in 6 years? I want my reaction to be different, but I am scared that it never will be.

AMA210
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Re: Absolute NC - Updates

Post by AMA210 » Sat Feb 11, 2017 2:01 pm

Ever since I glimpsed him on Thursday, I have been sad, a crying, tearful, painful but not as bad as before, sad.

I am trying to remind myself that he is so passive and that I was never able to get an emotion from him. Maybe he felt something at some time and it broke through via touch, but it wasn't enough. Would I have felt better if he yelled at me? Probably not, but it would have been an emotion nonetheless.

In the office that day, he was turned away from me, probably couldn't look st me then, see me crying, because maybe that would have stirred an emotion in his heart and he couldn't handle it, knowing that his SO would be back to do LR. All speculation I know.

I have been trying to reverse this situation to my DH. If there was a woman at work who cared so much about DH, and who loved him, who missed him and longed to be with him and touch him, how would that make me feel? Angry, jealous, how dare this OW have feelings for MY husband? What is wrong with her? She can't love him because he is mine. DH can't possibly care about her. Who does she think she is trying to take him away from me?

I am her. I am the OW. I love someone else's husband and I simply cannot help it. I wish that I didn't. I cannot turn it off. It makes me feel like a very bad person to have these feelings and this longing for another man who is clearly not available to love, to touch and to hold in my arms and never let go of.

Someone please take this pain away from my heart..
Last edited by AMA210 on Sat Feb 11, 2017 2:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Pudding
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Re: Absolute NC - Updates

Post by Pudding » Sat Feb 11, 2017 2:13 pm

I'm very sorry aqua. It's going to be hard because you can't guarantee NC. It's been cut back a lot but it isn't 100%. But what more can you do?

:ymhug:

AMA210
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Re: Absolute NC - Updates

Post by AMA210 » Sat Feb 11, 2017 2:55 pm

@Pudding - thank you! I am not actively seeking him. I only see him when I don't expect to. Do I look away right away? But even if I did, it's too late already. I didn't engage him in the car line. I should just accept that it will be this way until summer, 4 more months. I will have to see if he continues to try to "play". This totally sucks but it could not continue because I know I would have done something worse than a hug. :ymhug:

AMA210
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Re: Absolute NC - Updates

Post by AMA210 » Sun Feb 12, 2017 2:57 pm

This had to happen. Someone had to step in and stop it. I could not, despite attempts. LO could not because he didnt want to reject me and our SO's could not either.

We needed a break from the drama, the turmoil, the emotions, the madness. I don't want LO to feel abandoned and hurt. I still do care about him and I think on some level, I do love him, even if only as a reflection of myself.

I accept that I will seehim at school and it will be unpredictable. I have decided to not ignore him. I may smile, I may give him the peace sign, depends on the circumstance. Perhaps this is why it must be this way, why he must work there. He is a reminder of what needs to be done within. If I didn't see him, this entire LE would fade away with time and other more important things would take over, thus rendering the experience useless.

Perhaps things will be different next year. I guess my desire in all of this us to recognize what needs to be healed within myself, work on it, get it to be different, and then maybe help LO is some way, so that he can be better himself and a greater husband and dad.

AMA210
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: Absolute NC - Updates

Post by AMA210 » Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:41 pm

My last interaction with CK was on Thursday, March 16 at 11am.

It was obvious that the principal wasn't aware of the fact that he was driving his cart past the car line and standing outside watching the car line go by. She did not know that I told him about my feelings back in September and he continued to engage me despite knowing this. Now she knows this.

Reminds me of two kids playing games back and forth, geez don't tell on me, crap, you told on me, well now I'm gonna tell what you did..,,,two problem children harassing each other. We are two grown-ass adults and he is older than me by 1 1/2 years.

If this wasn't stopped, I would have crossed the lines with him and he would have let me. When we were found out, then our SO's would have been really upset and CK would have blamed me for initiating and I would have blamed him for not saying no. This would have been the worst outcome of this friendship.

This message came to me from the principal:
"CK has been notified of your plan to pick up your daughter at 2:55pm. In addition, he has been instructed to turn and walk away if he sees you on the school grounds at all. He will no longer engage with you under any circumstances."

Amen!
He could have walked away so many times and I could have also.
No contact truly this time.

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