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UPDATE: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

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WishMagick
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UPDATE: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

Post by WishMagick »

I've been posting so much in here. I hope my posts aren't annoying (that's my anxiety talking, I guess).


I absolutely HATE the uncertainty. Maybe it does fuel all this, but I HATE not knowing if my feelings are returned. I tell myself they aren't and then I tell myself that I need to just move on and heal. But, I see that as LYING to myself.

And I don't WANT to know if my feelings are returned. Then that could just make us start an affair and I really don't want that. There was a time when I selfishly DID want that. Because my desire is pretty overblown, but I know how much hurt it would cause everyone, including me. So, I don't want that.

I feel like telling him (not everything, though, because he would just be scared and blow it out of proportion and think I'm dangerous because that is what so many people do when I unload my feelings for them) and then once I tell him, he can just let me know that it's all one sided and that he loves his wife and that he has ZERO interest in me and I will never have a chance with him and I got the wrong idea about everything (I feel that he is sexually attracted to me, but I doubt my feelings all the time).

If I had to make a bet, I think that disclosing to him would cause him to reject me in a painful way, and I would have no problem avoiding him the best that I possibly could (because remember, he lives next door) and maybe we could even find humor in it and I will see how silly I've been. My husband used to think it was funny before he realized that I am in emotional pain. He doesn't think my emotional pain is funny. But, he thinks the situation is!!

Maybe LO would think that this situation is funny and it could help my healing process!!!?!??!

Thoughts????
Last edited by WishMagick on Fri Feb 21, 2020 6:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."
Acrobatica
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Re: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

Post by Acrobatica »

Dear Wishmagick:

As a person who disclosed multiple times to LO and was met with increasingly painful rejection, and as a person who wrote a letter to NOT an LO telling him I was too in love with him to continue to be friends, and then followed that up with a two-hour conversation where I demanded to know his feelings towards me and was met with the response, "those feelings don't just go away" but a determination to stay within his current relationship (which I still believe is a good choice), I clearly convinced myself that disclosure would solve something.

So I would be the last person who would advocate not disclosing. But I do.

The reason disclosing is not a good idea is because I have come to believe that limerence really is all about us and seeking the kind of all consuming love and adoration and approval that we did not get or did not get enough of from a parent from a person who is "resonating on the same frequency" as that parent (for lack of more scientific terms). But as an adult, we cannot get that kind of love from another adult. Nor should we want to, because that relationship would be based on a toxic imbalance of power. So seeking "reciprocation" of the kind we want is (1) not going to happen in the way that we want (all consuming healing balm of mutual adoration), and (2) will be toxic if it does happen in some way because we have put far too much value on the other person's approval. (And 2 was my marriage - which took me twenty-five years to understand was toxic because I was doing just that - until I couldn't.)

So there is nothing to gain from disclosure either way but more pain.

BUT. I also think the act of disclosure itself can be empowering for some of us. I had been limerent before and never disclosed because I thought of myself as not worthy of the prior LO. I thought that he was so much smarter, more attractive, more powerful than me that the idea of him actually liking me back was absurd. So I kept that crush hidden. With the last LO, I thought, I am sick of feeling that I am not worthy of another person's love. And I believe this feeling is really coming from a deeper feeling of unworthiness of our parent's love - because if they could not love us in the way that we needed, that must mean that there is something wrong with us. And this fear of unworthiness to the LO, or fear of angering the LO, or fear that LO does not care for us at all or notice us at all, I think is coming from that wound that we are at base not worthy of our parent's love. And so with last LO, I disclosed because I was sick of feeling myself unworthy of LO. I am worthy enough to ask and place myself in the sight-line of LO and say LOVE ME. And truthfully, though it did not solve the problem in the way that I wanted the problem solved (all-consuming balm of mutual adoration) it was a step towards understanding my own emotions and expressing them.

But, I think there might be better less painful paths towards understanding that you are indeed worthy of love, respect, and being seen. Not because of your accomplishments, but because you are a human being.

And that path leads towards you giving yourself the love, respect, and awareness that you are craving from others. (Easy to say. SO SO hard to do.) So outside of the practice of learning to feel your emotions and learning to speak your mind in a high-stakes emotional environment - and feeling like you deserve to at least ask the LO for love - disclosure is still just going to lead to more pain.

But, again, I disclosed. A lot. And if I find myself in this situation again, I will probably disclose again. Because my feelings are not anything to be ashamed of. And, as I have written before, I do think LOs are either narcs purposefully trying to keep us on a hook, or they really do like us back. And I am trying a path of radical (but kind) honesty with myself and with my loved ones.

Wishing you strength!
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Re: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

Post by Maddie »

WishMagick wrote: Mon Dec 30, 2019 6:42 pm I hope my posts aren't annoying (that's my anxiety talking, I guess).

, but I HATE not knowing if my feelings are returned. I

once I tell him, he can just let me know that it's all one sided and that he loves his wife and that he has ZERO interest in me and I will never have a chance with him and I got the wrong idea about everything
I hope I am not annoying you with my responses, LOL. I can just see myself and my thoughts in your posts (before my disclosure) and it's so relatable. I felt like I HAD to know if my feelings were returned but I really did not (in hindsight). I expected rejection (or did I?) to end my limerence, but instead he confirmed feeling the same for me and after that IT.WAS.ON. His behavior was so odd around me, and concerning me that it was driving me crazy!

on the one hand, I didn't see any way around it...on the other hand, I caused myself a good deal of pain--present day--by my fun little disclosure.

in other words, what if he feels the same and your disclosure is the tipping point?
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

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Re: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

Post by WishMagick »

Acrobatica wrote: Mon Dec 30, 2019 10:08 pm And I believe this feeling is really coming from a deeper feeling of unworthiness of our parent's love - because if they could not love us in the way that we needed, that must mean that there is something wrong with us. And this fear of unworthiness to the LO, or fear of angering the LO, or fear that LO does not care for us at all or notice us at all, I think is coming from that wound that we are at base not worthy of our parent's love.
See, this part doesn't resonate with me. This is what so many here say is the root cause of our limerence. I have never felt unworthy of my mother's love. All she has ever done is build me up, support me, and loved me even when I felt like I didn't deserve it.

My father? Well, he loved me, but he did not show it properly most of his life. But I ALWAYS felt worthy of his love. I was frustrated that he could not see that I was amazing!!! And I cared, because I loved and cared for him. Yes, I craved his validation, just as I crave the validation of my LO.

I definitely feel unworthy of LO, but NOT unworthy of my parent's love. I honestly think I am pretty awesome! I am confused as to why LO doesn't see it. My mother taught me not to give a second thought to people who don't see my worth. But, I am just determined to make him see! And I also want to learn more about him and he just won't let me. The challenge of a closed person drives me bonkers!

Please point out anything I said that doesn't make sense. I can be quite nonsensical at times. I feel like my grief from losing my mom is making me "go crazy" and I know that is a big trigger for this LE. But, I can't shake the feeling that he is special and that he is next door for a reason and that my feelings "mean something". I am still stuck in that loop.

What about sending him an article called, "4 Ways To Tell That Someone Doesn't Want To Be Your Friend" ?? All four things apply. I thought maybe that might be putting him on the spot. But, I just wanted to do something like that to open the door, without disclosing entirely. This will show him that I care, and that I actually think about him beyond a "passing thought" and I would mention how easy it's been to strike up a friendship with his wife and maybe that will cause him to disclose to ME if he is anywhere near in the same realm of thought that I am about him???
That's assuming that he would even reply to me, because he doesn't usually reply to me. I know that I should retain my dignity and not reach out to him, but in the hope that he would be honest and tell me, "Oh hey, no, sure, we can be friends!" or, "Actually, I don't think it's a good idea that we are friends because I'm too attracted to you". Either way, I feel like getting some things out in the air will help me breathe easier!!!
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."
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Re: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

Post by WishMagick »

Maddie wrote: Mon Dec 30, 2019 10:22 pm

in other words, what if he feels the same and your disclosure is the tipping point?
I am SO AFRAID of that! I really am!!! But because I feel unworthy of him, and his ignoring me recently has sent me into a terrible headspin, I tell myself he couldn't possibly have any positive feelings towards me and whatever I saw before was just all in my head.

I'm a bit of a masochist and part of me is hoping he will react negatively! Ugh. I'm so messed up in the head. I have convinced myself that I bother him, that I annoy him, and that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me because he thinks that I am an absolute BORE. I guess that is how I view myself and I want him to be like, "Yeah! That's why I don't want to be your friend, because you are crazy AND boring!"

Your posts aren't annoying whatsoever, Maddie. You are trying to help, but I guess I have never been good at learning from others' mistakes! Oy!!
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
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Re: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

Post by Maddie »

WishMagick wrote: Mon Dec 30, 2019 10:34 pm [I have never been good at learning from others' mistakes!
Same here.

Think about this...

Is there something about him (his personality, demeanor) that you would like to have?

also

How could you give yourself the validation without needing him? breaking the habit of seeking validation elsewhere will be so freaking powerful...

I am trying to answer these myself right now, LOL! and trying to act accordingly....hey, better late than never :)
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

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Re: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

Post by WishMagick »

Maddie wrote: Mon Dec 30, 2019 10:49 pm

Is there something about him (his personality, demeanor) that you would like to have?

also

How could you give yourself the validation without needing him? breaking the habit of seeking validation elsewhere will be so freaking powerful...
Yes. Yes. So much yes. And the validation from myself doesn't seem satisfying! I mean, yeah, I think I'm great - but I also like to have others who I think are great, also think that I am great! Is that wrong?

TBH, I wouldn't have kept on with my music career if NO ONE told me that my music was good. If I never received positive feedback on my art, I would assume no one liked it, I was sh*t and I would have given up!

LO has honestly changed me as a person. I want to be a better person. For the good of the world, but also so that he will see that I am good and then he will want me to be a part of his life so we can all "do good" together! With his wife included in that! But, I realize this is a pipe dream because there is mucho sexual attraction between us and that is bound to come up. I realize that it's probably not possible for us to be friends. But, I have hope that there is a way. I just want to be a part of his life. Being friends with his wife makes me sort of a part of his life by default. I imagine she talks about me to him? I wonder so much how he responds to that.

His kids like me, and his wife likes me and they have no problems showing that. His withholding from me feels wrong. Especially since it seemed like being friends is where it was going, until recently when he just put on alllll the brakes. I hate speculating. Maybe I did or said something that made him dislike me! I'd like to know what that is so I can stop doing it!!!!
Last edited by WishMagick on Mon Dec 30, 2019 11:08 pm, edited 4 times in total.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."
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Re: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

Post by WishMagick »

And also why I am DEAD SET on becoming friends with LO, because once again, I hope so much that I will learn who he really is and it will destroy my fantasy bubble! I already know things about him that I don't like. And I just accept it. I accept his flaws. That scares me. That makes me think I am in love with him. But, I know damn well I am not. I don't know him enough to make that claim.

But, I admit to myself now that I feel more than lust towards him. I care for him. I am curious about him. I want to understand him. And I also still lust after him. But, over time, it seems that it's not bothering me as much as it once did. His current behavior is kind of killing the lust. I am just hurt that he has decided to erase me. Even though deep down, that is a good thing. But, I want to fight it!
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."
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Re: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

Post by Maddie »

WishMagick wrote: Mon Dec 30, 2019 11:01 pm
Maddie wrote: Mon Dec 30, 2019 10:49 pm

Is there something about him (his personality, demeanor) that you would like to have?

also

How could you give yourself the validation without needing him? breaking the habit of seeking validation elsewhere will be so freaking powerful...
Yes. Yes. So much yes. And the validation from myself doesn't seem satisfying! I mean, yeah, I think I'm great - but I also like to have others who I think are great, also think that I am great! Is that wrong?
His withholding from me feels wrong.
no it's not wrong, I get that. that's awesome you are musically talented!!
You say....withholding...you mean him not talking to you or responding to messages?
I don't have many male friends so it may be hard for me to relate there...and like you said before, maybe befriending his wife may very well help you out with reducing LE
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

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Re: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

Post by WishMagick »

Maddie wrote: Mon Dec 30, 2019 11:31 pm
You say....withholding...you mean him not talking to you or responding to messages?
Yeah. I call it withholding but I can't even be sure that's what it is! That is what fuels my rumination. He could very well barely even think of me. I'm sure that's what it really is. Which is PAINFUL. It's more painful to me than if he actively didn't like me because I was boring or whatever. I don't know his opinion of me. I want to know. I have shared my music with him before, and he DIDN'T RESPOND. It hurts me. I know what kind of music he likes...hint...it's very similar to the music that I create. But, I can't assume that he likes my music. I'd love to know if he does.

He won't let me get to know him. He doesn't respond to me.

It's hard for me to understand how he could be so magnetically and physically attracted to me (in some moments between us, I have no doubt that is the case) yet he does not ever think of me or is not curious about me.

This would mean that he is not prone to any of these limerent type feelings OR he is in fact limerent and hiding it. I really, really doubt that he is limerent and hiding it. If he is, he has an absurd amount of self control. Unheard, of really. Or that could just be in contrast to mine. I barely have any self restraint. It's the hardest lesson in life that I have yet to learn.

These thoughts keep me up at night - and wake me from my sleep.

It bothers me that his behavior is not consistent. That is what makes me think that he is hiding or suppressing something. He won't respond to me if I am attempting to make conversation with him by text or FB message. If I text him a question, he responds to me almost immediately. Any time of day. While he's at work or not. Is that just politeness? Is that him trying to show that he doesn't want any type of relationship with me, but wants to remain on good terms? Everyone keeps saying this all has to do with me, but, I am missing something here. I think he's special. He hasn't shown me anything to think otherwise (ok, other than his not responding to me...he's a millennial! Don't they think differently about these things? lol)

I think my only hope is to continue pursuing a friendship with his wife and my logic will kick in and he will melt into the background of my thoughts. Goodness, at least I hope that's what happens.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."
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