UPDATE: If uncertainty is the fuel for limerence, should I disclose???

[WishMagick]

You have a unique situation in that you are neighbors and have families that socialize. That is hard. Disclosure could really blow up your life depending on how LO takes it. It is very risky and you never know what the LO will do with that information.

I am a bit worried about him getting angry and how that could affect everything and everyone. I admit, I don't think of every possibility. I don't want to create a hostile environment because my eldest son is very close with their eldest and even their youngest. I don't want LO and his wife to freak out and punish my child because of me!

Every other possibility seems easier to handle. I would be shocked if he responded that way because every real thing that I know about him would indicate that he would never be angry that I have feelings. He works in mental health. I could say more, but maybe that's too much detail..

It is easy during an LE to read into their behavior. It could be he is trying to set boundaries because he can sense your feelings.

I think this a lot. That he knows and he is setting boundaries. He is pretty obviously setting boundaries. But, it's the why that I don't know. He could be setting boundaries for different reasons. Disclosing to him would reveal the reason, I think. If he was honest with me. And that's another thing, I don't know if he would give me an honest response if I disclosed.

That is another BIG reason that I don't want to. I would disclose to get the TRUTH out. Not just on my side, but on his side. If I can't get the truth from his side, I don't want to give him my truth. He probably doesn't WANT to know my truth! Hahah! If he is onto me, and he really wanted to know if he was right, he would try to find out. He's not doing that. So, if he thinks that I have a crush on him, he does not want that verified. He's pulling away, "just in case".

Based on what happened between us the last time we were (not totally) "alone" together, I would say he is avoiding me to avoid an affair with me.
But, I could be wrong! I really wish I knew!

Or I really wish I didn't care to know. Sigh.

[Don]

The other thing I wanted to add earlier is that based on my experience, if two people want to be together they will make it happen. Based on all that I've read from your posts, I feel like if he was even the slightest bit interested in having an affair you would probably know it by now. Regardless if he is attracted to you or not, his recent behavior would seem to indicate that he is currently not interested in getting to know you better.

Disclosure has been a crucial part of LE recovery for me. That said, I'm not sure it is a good decision in your case. You have a lot more to risk in your disclosure decision than I ever had (two marriages, two families , two homes, friendships, etc...) In your case, I don't believe the risk is worth it. Maybe if you offered it in the form of an apology, stating that you've noticed he has been a bit distant lately and you feel like you should apologize if you have done anything that made him feel uncomfortable? <Thinking out loud here> See where that leads?

[WishMagick]

Regardless if he is attracted to you or not, his recent behavior would seem to indicate that he is currently not interested in getting to know you better.

I've said this countless times in my posts on this forum. It's very obvious that he is not interested in pursuing me - because he's not pursuing me. I have also made a post about it being obvious that he doesn't want to be my friend, and recently he barely wants to acknowledge my existence at all. But, the sexual attraction was there, at some point. His behavior towards me has been consistently pointing to that for about 3.5 months out of the almost 5 months that I've known him. But, it has been some time since he's reacted to me at all - last night he did because I handed something to him...

Maybe if you offered it in the form of an apology, stating that you've noticed he has been a bit distant lately and you feel like you should apologize if you have done anything that made him feel uncomfortable? <Thinking out loud here> See where that leads?

That's still very much a disclosure. That admits ALL kinds of things (maybe even things that aren't true, but he can now just assume).

And I honestly think that I haven't done anything to make him feel uncomfortable. I've been very careful about my behavior around him (that's why I am confused as to why it seemed like we were becoming friends and then he just switches off) I'm sure that I am nervous around him, but I am just a nervous person. I'm nervous around his wife too. And he's nervous around me!

But, I actually had that thought, to ask him if he feels awkward around me or if I do anything to make him uncomfortable - and I asked my husband if that was a good idea - and he flat out said, "Noooooooo". He said that would make someone feel awkward and uncomfortable even just bringing it up. Why would I want to do that??

I think in this case, it's all or nothing - don't you think??

Having a halfway would be nice. I might just be stuck on the "making him feel uncomfortable" thing because I wouldn't ask that - because I really don't think I have!

[peter.rabbit]

Deep down I expected that it would really be love (if even friend love) maybe. It went from something "romantic " and "special " to regret. I swear...I pray I don't weave my way back into that delusion of specialness! It could happen in an instant with even a hint of contact...

@Maddie, Sounds like me <sigh>. Months ago someone here told me that in my LE that there is no "us". I try to remind myself of that when experiencing the delusion of specialness.

[peter.rabbit]

But, I actually had that thought, to ask him if he feels awkward around me or if I do anything to make him uncomfortable - and I asked my husband if that was a good idea - and he flat out said, "Noooooooo". He said that would make someone feel awkward and uncomfortable even just bringing it up. Why would I want to do that??

So, your husband knows about the LE? Or maybe I misunderstand, as it is late here...

Many times I thought i might just ask her if she felt awkward or uncomfortable, but that would end up being a full blown disclosure, which i am convinced is just a bad idea. I always hope maybe she'll just blurt out that she has feelings, but is trying to "play it straight" to avoid appearances. Sometimes I think that everyone that sees us interacting can tell that "something" is between us. Super huge fantasizer, I am.

[WishMagick]

But, I actually had that thought, to ask him if he feels awkward around me or if I do anything to make him uncomfortable - and I asked my husband if that was a good idea - and he flat out said, "Noooooooo". He said that would make someone feel awkward and uncomfortable even just bringing it up. Why would I want to do that??

So, your husband knows about the LE? Or maybe I misunderstand, as it is late here...

Yes. He knows about my LE now and I've told him my adventures in other LEs. He is also sort of friends with my LO. But, not good friends. He doesn't like him all that much. Hahah. He didn't even before he knew I had it bad for LO.

I also sometimes worry that people can see things between us. And I think LO worries about that too!

LO was in my music video and he was the other main character besides me, I told him that our characters have to show a connection to each other so my storyline made sense...

I gave him an option of not touching me, barely touching me, and flat on touching me. He chose full on touching me by grabbing and holding my hand (which was 100% his idea!)

Our other neighbor was helping us film. Afterwards, he started talking about his wife to her.
Hahah. It seemed to me that he didn't want our other neighbor thinking there was something between us...

But of course, I could have read into everything too much. Sure doesn't feel like it, though.

[WishMagick]

It's not like I'm not tempted to ask if I've done anything to make him feel uncomfortable. Not because I think I have, but, to see his response.

Do you know how relieved I would be if he said that I haven't??

It would mean that he doesn't have a clue and I can continue with my plan of never disclosing.

Disclosing is tempting when I think that he suspects that I have a crush on him, because it could encourage him to reject me properly and I really really really feel like that would help.

I am not even giving too much thought into the other possibilities.

But, since I can't control what he does with the information, it makes me not want to at all. Even just asking if I have done anything to make him uncomfortable. If I asked that, I am admitting that I think about him enough to be wondering that. And then if he didn't have a clue before....well....he would after, right?

Sigh.

[WishMagick]

I'm terribly worried that my last message to him was a subtle disclosure.

I was against someone's suggestion about phrasing it like an apology to see if I have done anything to make him uncomfortable. But, now I am seeing that might have been slightly less damning.

My message to him just screams that I think about him more than I "should". I could never figure out if he was aware of my attraction to him. I have convinced myself that he doesn't know, but maybe I am not good at hiding it, and maybe I am not as subtle as I like to think I am.

NOTE: I wasn't ruminating about it for most of the day. That is a small win in my book.

[WishMagick]

More than a month later and the uncertainty is still there. Still burning a hole in my heart and mind. I still don't trust my intuition about it.

And so much has changed regarding the interactions between myself and LO. Really.
I won't bother going into details as to how and why things have changed. No point.

But I saw this quote just now:


"If uncertainty is unacceptable to you, it turns into fear. If it is perfectly acceptable, it turns into increased aliveness, alertness, and creativity."

-Eckhart Tolle

I need to change the way I think about uncertainty!!! I need to accept it!

[Hopeless Lomantic]

Hi there.. is there anything that he has done recently to suggest he might has any interest in you ? I have personally encounter many instances where friendly or baseline behaviours are taken way out of context as a form of reciprocation or admiration.

I have to constantly tell myself that she doesnt give a shit about me to suppress the LE.