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So I Disclosed; he ignored it; I'm finally free

Does disclosure to our Limerent/Love Object help?
dobie
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Re: So I Disclosed; he ignored it; I'm finally free

Post by dobie » Wed Jul 15, 2015 8:51 pm

David wrote: I said how hard i find it to ask for things, but would she consider coming to a joint therapy session with me to explore the transference/countertransference? Bear in mind LO was also a trainee therapist so perhaps a good learning experience for her as well? I got no response, nothing, zilch, nada. It took me back to the relationship with both my parents where i never knew from one to the next where i stood. When i next saw LO a week later, i asked her outright why had she ignored my email? Her response was she did not know how to respond and that was what married couples do. She also said limerence was my problem for me to sort out. I told her if she really wanted to be friends that's what people do for each other. Did this help me get into the mind of a LO? nope :shock:

It left me confused and humiliated
Wow, I guess it helps to know that I am not the only person who fell limerent for someone who turned out to be the antithesis of a bodhisattva (Buddhist enlightened being of compassion) -- the anti-bodhisattva. I get it that this woman did not want to go to a joint therapy with you, but would it really have killed her to pen a short email compassionately acknowledging your request and politely rejecting it? And this is a therapist in training? A so-called healing profession? Hope she treats her patients better.

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David
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Re: So I Disclosed; he ignored it; I'm finally free

Post by David » Wed Jul 15, 2015 9:10 pm

dobie wrote:And this is a therapist in training? A so-called healing profession? Hope she treats her patients better.
An avoidant is an avoidant is an avoidant what ever job they do. There are many therapists out there who haven't separated from their parents and still reenacting their own parental rescue fantasies vicariously through their clients. I did ask her once after yet another disclosure how was she going to cope with a client that was sitting opposite her saying he had fallen in love with her? She said that would be different :o I didn't see how. Its no longer my concern.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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BusyBee91
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Re: So I Disclosed; he ignored it; I'm finally free

Post by BusyBee91 » Mon Jul 20, 2015 11:04 pm

When I disclosed my feelings to the guy I like, I found I felt a million times better (he didn't reciprocate but he responded with the usual friendzone garbage ''not looking for a relationship right now''). However, the feeling didn't last long and I attempted to try and be friends with him and speak to him in the hopes there might still be a chance. It was THEN that he proceeded to completely ignore/snub me, which I find so rude. My messages were completely neutral, asking him how his day was, etc. and he ignored them completely. It's crushed my self-esteem because I feel like I wasn't even worthy enough to be friends with him or for him to associate with me.

Needless to say the feelings remain even though I have no hope of contact/seeing him again :(

dobie
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Re: So I Disclosed; he ignored it; I'm finally free

Post by dobie » Sun Dec 06, 2015 4:58 am

Just an update from me. It has now been over five months since I disclosed, and over five months of no contact with former LO. It was absolutely the right decision for me to disclose, because it forced NC. I rarely think of him and I certainly don't long for him.

Plus, I certainly don't recommend this, but some two months after I disclosed, I developed severe chronic pain, which is leading to surgery in the next month. Again, I don't recommend this, but chronic pain truly puts limerence in perspective. At the moment, the only thing of real significance in my life is my health and ending the pain. Former LO is a mere speck in the universe. I'm sure that when my surgery hopefully puts me back in good health, I will not be 100% focused on my health, but I still think I will retain the lesson of what is and what isn't important in life. I wouldn't go so far as to say that if you have your health, you have everything in life, but it's a damn good start . . .

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David
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Re: So I Disclosed; he ignored it; I'm finally free

Post by David » Sun Dec 06, 2015 7:51 am

dobie wrote:
Plus, I certainly don't recommend this, but some two months after I disclosed, I developed severe chronic pain, which is leading to surgery in the next month.
Do you feel the pain and going NC are related?

My own limerence helped me see how much i somatise my emotional pain and it manifests as joint pain. Few Western doctors appreciate how strong the mind-body interconnection is. Most are all too quick to medicate or slice and dice IMJ.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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dobie
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Re: So I Disclosed; he ignored it; I'm finally free

Post by dobie » Sun Dec 06, 2015 6:27 pm

David wrote:
Do you feel the pain and going NC are related?
Actually not, no more than I believe that people get cancer from emotional states as opposed to from bad genetics and/or bad lifestyle.

I have a demonstrable problem, clearly illuminated on MRI. If anything, I think my preoccupation with LO distracted me from detecting the problem earlier, as it was clearly building up over the last year. If I had been less focused on him, perhaps I would have gotten an MRI earlier.

But the bottom line is that he just seems so completely meaningless in light of this overwhelming physical pain. And again, while I don't recommend physical pain as a teacher, I do think my experience with chronic pain is going to keep me focused in the future on what is true and nuturing (and limerence is the antithesis of nuturing).

TJS
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Re: So I Disclosed; he ignored it; I'm finally free

Post by TJS » Sun Dec 06, 2015 10:52 pm

Thanks Dobie for this post. I'm new to this site and limerence and until this post was not aware of the whole ghosting thing and it explains a lot. I read the link you provided and like many can not understand how people can do this to someone... And David thanks for the explanation that some do it as an avoidance.

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Re: So I Disclosed; he ignored it; I'm finally free

Post by AMA210 » Fri Dec 01, 2017 6:22 pm

Been doing some reading on this and finally realized this was part of the cycle with LO that was going on since last February. First, it would have been completely different if LO himself would have told me to leave him alone. He never did. The principal did, the police did, but in the end I ignored their requests. I was convinced that it was push and pull but now I think it was ghosting. I looked over my journal and this happened many times. It would go from seeing him 3-4 times a week to not seeing him for 7-10 days after either a chance meeting or correspondence from me. He would re-appear and I would be overjoyed with his return and decision to not completely abandon me. My greatest fear Is abandonment, so him returning remedied that fear. By me being there, his fear of rejection was remedied. Win win for both, until the next time.

I returned because I missed him and perhaps my reaction to him would be stronger the longer he stayed away. It usually was, very predictable. This makes me ask myself, WTF because I'm not his wife, so his friendship/hit was all I wanted, so I put up with it. I always thought it would be different. That he would come back changed somehow. More empathetic. More willing to explain things. But he never changed and I'd be disappointed, but he was back and I was happy once more.

If he returned today, I am not there to take him back. If he returns next week, I won't be there. I am doing this NC, starting today. I am avoiding the entire area. Fuck yeah. I am ready as I will ever be. :p
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

megalodon
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Re: So I Disclosed; he ignored it; I'm finally free

Post by megalodon » Mon May 21, 2018 12:14 pm

I'm so glad you're doing well! I was ghosted too, which I think (in a weird and sad way) is good for me because it forced a NC out of me.

I never disclosed, but we did make out once and sexted a bit. I think, given those circumstances, if he wasn't into me any more, rejecting me and putting a stop to our weird friendship would have been the polite thing to do. but apparently I wasn't worth enough to him to bother with the discomfort of rejecting someone. He just left it on me to take the hint and pissed off. So I 100% empathise: being ghosted sucks royally. I'm angry too. He robbed me of closure.

But it's okay, we all heal in time.

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