Sticky - a warning on the perils of disclosure

Does disclosure to our Limerent/Love Object help?
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David
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Sticky - a warning on the perils of disclosure

Post by David » Mon Nov 30, 2015 6:26 pm

This article was sent to me by a contact that has given me permission to reproduce it here


To those who are new here, who may be married or in long term relationships and are still in the early stages of Limerence where maybe they still have chance to back out.

Probably the most heartfelt post I've written & if you can possibly take it on board, please do...

"Please just stop. & be wary of wording elsewhere on here to "join us" - there's nothing fun or romanticized about limerence and this isn't an elite club. It's full of people who are literally desperate and pouring their hearts out in the only place safe to do so in order to stay alive.

You don't need to become like that.

I suspect you won't take this advice.

But the thing to remember is we CAN control our actions. We are responsible for them. We do have a choice. At least until limerence really truly takes a hold and then it makes people do things so crazy there is literally no sane thought behind it. The others are right that it is a drug and if you allow yourself to become addicted you're going to find it very hard to back out.

Having got some form of reciprocation. Well, complete reciprocation, but which had to be stopped as we both have famillies or long-term partners; taking the fantasy to reality is no fun at all. It's hideous and the moment it happens you've not only cheated on your wife, but your kids as well. Part of your self respect will never be the same. I don't believe it's in the same category as cheating because you intend to be with the other person - it's wasteful, pointless, completely pure selfish lust and I can say this having been guilty.

Even if you didn't get to be with her sexually, the longer this goes on you are cheating mentally. You will become more and more distant from your family as your fantasy life takes over your mind and your thoughts become overtaken by limerence. You'll see people on here talk of The Fog. Do you want to knowingly lose the will to think for yourself...to become some stupid idiot thinking only with his cock and his pounding heart? Because that's what most of us - many of us equally successful, intelligent, wealthy, with picture perfect famillies - have reduced ourselves to.

Even having had a taste of the ecstasy of reciprocation from my LO....now living with the void that nearly 2 years of LE has created of my once very happy marriage, if I could take it all back and never have met him - I would. You wait until you are on the other side of this. When the limerent affair that inevitably comes if you can't control yourself now all ends...because it will, painfully and horribly with endless confusion and torture...you'll be left with a distance so great between yourself and your wife that you won't know how to begin repairing it. You'll fight to pull yourself out of your head and reconnect with the person you once loved. You'll WANT to feel for her the way you did before all this began...but somehow things will never be the same because your relationship will always be compared to and pale in comparison with the high drama of the LE. You'll look at her and search yourself to find her beautiful, to feel for her, like you know you do - but all you can see in your mind is your LO and she haunts every thought but now she's gone, leaving you with a stranger in your marital bed...and feeling like a stranger to yourself as you slowly wake up out of the fog to the hideous mess that only you are responsible for having created.

This is my reality now. It's that of many others on here. It's the reality when the fantasy, the chemistry, the fun and excitement have finished.

Don't make it your reality & don't do it to your family. Limerence can take people by surprise and overwhelm them but to ALLOW yourself to become increasingly limerent, knowing all this, is inexcusable.

My advice - look really carefully at your past and childhood. I was the biggest cynic of these theories but try some imago exercises...You'll be shocked what they throw up. Keep talking on here if you need support but don't wallow - move forward. And cut that woman out as quickly as possible, do everything you can to avoid her and make it clear all these signals were a stupid mistake.

Run, while you still can....there are lots of us here who would literally die to still be in your position and faced with the choice you have in front of you.

Good luck.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Coaching see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence/

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MarkActually
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Re: Sticky - a warning on the perils of disclosure

Post by MarkActually » Mon Nov 30, 2015 7:27 pm

David

If I would write a book on Limerence, that post would
be on the preface.

beautifully written.

m.a.

songofhiawatha
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Re: Sticky - a warning on the perils of disclosure

Post by songofhiawatha » Tue Dec 01, 2015 7:23 pm

David and many others. That sticky says it all.

Unfortunately, I went too far along the road of limerence and did not realize the drugging effect to be able to pull back in time. Therefore, like many of you, it is a complete uphill task to break free and it will probably not happen, even partially, until my beloved LO leaves the vicinity, (or I do - though I will not do it for her), which I suppose may happen at any time. In fact , I expected it to have happened by now because, in my eyes, she is an exceptional person and I imagined that she would have tired of her boyfriend who is not of her calibre and have gone to pastures new by now - but she has defied my expectation in that regard. It will be interesting to see what she does with her life. I would love it if she were prepared to keep in touch with me on high days on holidays to tell me what has befallen her but even that is an expectation too far on my part, I think. Luckily I have not fucked up my relationship with my SO and family.

David once said to me that 'bring her to me and I will quickly point out her defects' I queried this on the 'defects' aspect, though I imagine she has some - not apparent to me. What I would concede is that if I brought her to him he would be able, instantly, to point out why she was totally unsuitable for me and vice versa. In fact, in almost every conceivable respect. (I do not even have to 'bring her to him' - just perusing my posts makes this unsuitability self evident).

Many, many helpful things have emerged in this Forum which help one's outlook - none more than the Buddhist mantra that for contentedness in the sphere of emotions 'one must be prepared graciously to let go of those persons and things which are not meant to be part of our lives'. I know the utter truth of this but to act in accordance with it is another thing altogether.

Just to reinforce this, as you know, I have often said that my addition to the mix is my age which probably has brought in another factor of the 'last chance saloon', and I can only be thankful that I have not been driven to the sad actions described in the 'Times' today- page 5, about an unfortunate, elderly man in who had stolen to 'fund a young singer' many years his junior. When convicted and just as he was being led to the cells he said to reporters "she's lovely, have you ever been in love?" We all know what he was saying. There but for the grace of God go you and I.

Bless you all.

SoH

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David
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Re: Sticky - a warning on the perils of disclosure

Post by David » Tue Dec 01, 2015 9:27 pm

songofhiawatha wrote:"she's lovely, have you ever been in love?" We all know what he was saying. There but for the grace of God go you and I.

SoH
Never a truer word spoken. Many of us here have had close shaves.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Coaching see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence/

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JellyBean
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Re: Sticky - a warning on the perils of disclosure

Post by JellyBean » Wed Oct 05, 2016 12:43 am

David wrote:
To those who are new here, who may be married or in long term relationships and are still in the early stages of Limerence where maybe they still have chance to back out.
To go with this beautifully written post is a piece of writing I stumbled across by Bryan Reeves

Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.
I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behaviour. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.
She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realise now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.
Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.
It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”
If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too.
Choose wisely.


https://goodmenproject.com/featured-con ... e-her-bnr/

JellyBean
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Re: Sticky - a warning on the perils of disclosure

Post by JellyBean » Wed Oct 05, 2016 12:48 am

'Choose her Everyday' reminds of when we live in limerent lala land and we forget. We forget to choose. And hence the gap widens.

Pudding
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Re: Sticky - a warning on the perils of disclosure

Post by Pudding » Wed Oct 05, 2016 3:05 am

Wow. All the posts in here are very powerful. Thanks for sharing.

Scary how our fantasies and daydreams stop at reciprocation and don't go any further into what would happen after :-|
F 37
LO is M 34, my son’s teacher

JohnDeux
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Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Sticky - a warning on the perils of disclosure

Post by JohnDeux » Wed Oct 05, 2016 4:42 pm

@Pudding: "Scary how our fantasies and daydreams stop at reciprocation and don't go any further into what would happen after...."

It's built a multi-billion dollar empire called "Hollywood".....
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

MrSpock
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Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm

Re: Sticky - a warning on the perils of disclosure

Post by MrSpock » Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:24 pm

David wrote:
Mon Nov 30, 2015 6:26 pm
Don't make it your reality & don't do it to your family. Limerence can take people by surprise and overwhelm them but to ALLOW yourself to become increasingly limerent, knowing all this, is inexcusable.

My advice - look really carefully at your past and childhood. I was the biggest cynic of these theories but try some imago exercises...You'll be shocked what they throw up. Keep talking on here if you need support but don't wallow - move forward. And cut that woman out as quickly as possible, do everything you can to avoid her and make it clear all these signals were a stupid mistake.

Run, while you still can....there are lots of us here who would literally die to still be in your position and faced with the choice you have in front of you.

Good luck.
Wow.. I'm an hour away from seeing my LO, and I'm about to have a panic attack, because every and each time before I fell back for her so hard that I'm afraid I'll fuck things up for real and make a colossal mistake.

So I was surfing the forum for something to prepare me, and those words above are exactly what I needed!

Endgame
Posts: 165
Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2015 11:09 am

Re: Sticky - a warning on the perils of disclosure

Post by Endgame » Tue Dec 12, 2017 8:07 pm

Wow. Sometimes words can haunt you for a myriad of different reasons...

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