Negative Aspects of Disclosing to LO

Does disclosure to our Limerent/Love Object help?
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Aquamarine21
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Negative Aspects of Disclosing to LO

Post by Aquamarine21 » Sun Mar 19, 2017 7:25 pm

In my situation, neither LO nor I had any boundaries.

One of the initial reasons I told LO that I had feelings for him was because I had lots of guilt that I was thinking about someone else instead of my DH. I thought it would relieve that, but it didn't. I also told LO that I was attracted to him, that he was good looking, cute, handsome and funny, and that he made me feel really good and gave me confidence. I don't think he could handle all of that ego-boosting at once.

As time went by, I felt as if LO used my feelings against me because he knew that I would give him as much attention and adoration as he needed. He had me and he knew it.

About 5 months later, FD again, using the love word in a sentence, and used by LO to manipulate me further and I let it happen.
I am not sure how someone can be so disrespectful in that regard, but I could not do that to someone else. Now I am not entirely sure what I "love" about this man. :-?

Although it may have been better to throw the love word around the first time. But, if I could go back and do it over, I would have told my DH about my feelings and just skip LO altogether.

LwL
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Re: Negative Aspects of Disclosing to LO

Post by LwL » Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:14 pm

Hi Aquamarine,

I wonder what your hopes were with the disclosure? I know I felt a powerful urge to disclose to my LO, and I suspect it was to try and force reciprocation. I never did disclose, as I was her boss and so it would have been all kinds of wrong, but now I look back on it, I wonder why the urge to disclose was so strong. At one level, I wanted her to feel valued, but at another, I was probably trying to control the situation and get out of the maddening uncertainty trap.

Given that you have disclosed (more than once) and that your LO has chosen to keep the dynamic uncertain and fluid, I'm guessing that he is being manipulative for his own ego trip. That is disrespectful - if someone disclosed to me, I would try and discuss it calmly (and direct them here!) but I would be careful not to send mixed signals in the future and be completely honest about my own feelings on the matter. That seems the most respectful response.

I guess you now face the fact that you have disclosed, he is using it against you, and you are right to doubt that he deserves your "love". Have you disclosed to your SO?

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David
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Re: Negative Aspects of Disclosing to LO

Post by David » Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:51 pm

Aquamarine21 wrote:
Sun Mar 19, 2017 7:25 pm
As time went by, I felt as if LO used my feelings against me because he knew that I would give him as much attention and adoration as he needed. He had me and he knew it.
I think thats one of the dangers of disclosure - often we dont get any answers and we become an even better source of ego strokes for our LO's. I suspect most of this is unconscious for our LO's who flirt to bolster their own self esteem.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

Aquamarine21
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Re: Negative Aspects of Disclosing to LO

Post by Aquamarine21 » Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:31 pm

LwL wrote:
Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:14 pm
Hi Aquamarine,

I wonder what your hopes were with the disclosure? I know I felt a powerful urge to disclose to my LO, and I suspect it was to try and force reciprocation. I never did disclose, as I was her boss and so it would have been all kinds of wrong, but now I look back on it, I wonder why the urge to disclose was so strong. At one level, I wanted her to feel valued, but at another, I was probably trying to control the situation and get out of the maddening uncertainty trap.
I thought it would relieve the guilt I had. Up until disclosure, I got a lot of mixed signals from him and sometimes I am too honest with people. The second time I really felt in my heart that he needed to know that I loved/cared about him as he is. I realized that he has issues also and is avoidant. It was like fire and ice. He never told me his feelings really, only that he didn't want to be a homewrecker and that he cared about me as a friend. If he treats his friends like this, can't imagine how he treats his wife. Ugh.

Given that you have disclosed (more than once) and that your LO has chosen to keep the dynamic uncertain and fluid, I'm guessing that he is being manipulative for his own ego trip. That is disrespectful - if someone disclosed to me, I would try and discuss it calmly (and direct them here!) but I would be careful not to send mixed signals in the future and be completely honest about my own feelings on the matter. That seems the most respectful response.

I guess you now face the fact that you have disclosed, he is using it against you, and you are right to doubt that he deserves your "love". Have you disclosed to your SO?
Yes, I did FD to SO. He knows the entire story, minus a few hurtful details.
I never thought that feelings would be used against me. I guess I really didn't know him that well.

LwL
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Re: Negative Aspects of Disclosing to LO

Post by LwL » Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:44 pm

Aquamarine21 wrote:
Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:31 pm
I never thought that feelings would be used against me. I guess I really didn't know him that well. [/b]
Yes, that's the trap we set ourselves, isn't it? Assuming that the image of LO that we've created in our minds relates to the reality of their lives.

I was so convinced I understood my LO better than anyone else, and could help her with her personal problems (I am so selfless). In actual fact, there were many occasions where a conversation or emotional exchange between us left me totally bewildered. They very rarely played out the same way that they had in my many imaginary rehearsals :-D

Ultimately, limerence is about us and our emotional needs. They are the cinema screen we project onto.

LwL
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Re: Negative Aspects of Disclosing to LO

Post by LwL » Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:47 pm

Oh, and BTW, I think full (sensitive) disclosure to SO is a good idea. It shows respect for SO, and removes some of LO's power over us.

And it also slams the door on any pretense of "we're just good friends," in the future, when we need saving from ourselves.

Aquamarine21
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Re: Negative Aspects of Disclosing to LO

Post by Aquamarine21 » Thu Mar 23, 2017 10:24 am

I just can't stop disclosing to this man. It's ridiculous.
My third and hopefully last disclosure was last week, telling him that I have OCD and that I am obsessed with him.
This man's ego must be the size of Texas by now.

What is interesting is that he has never really stroked my ego, but then again, I don't need that from him.

Heart_Open
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Re: Negative Aspects of Disclosing to LO

Post by Heart_Open » Thu Mar 23, 2017 11:48 am

I never disclosed but a lot of my day dreaming was about mutual disclosure. I wanted to but lots of things stopped me: making a fool out of myself; respect for my husband (I didn't want this other guy so what was the point in ruining everything?) and family; familial patterns (mum's own affair at a similar age I was then too); what if he rejected me etc etc. I still, all these years later, think what would happen if I disclosed even now but I can't get past the 'but why?' There would be no purpose.
Each situation is a unique experience thought isn't it. Part of yours was to push the boundaries to see how far you could get. I think that was very brave of you but also, if you don't mind me saying, a bit like a bull in a china shop. I was worried for you that you would bring destruction around you but you would not be able to see the eye of the storm was you (I have seen this happen with someone I knew a while ago - but she was insanely ruthless, didn't care who got in the way). But you have emerged relatively unscathed save for the emotional scars that you will now be able to work on - slowly but surely over time. You said it yourself in another thread AM21: It will be okay. And it will, it will all be all okay ;)

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David
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Re: Negative Aspects of Disclosing to LO

Post by David » Thu Mar 23, 2017 1:31 pm

Aquamarine21 wrote:
Thu Mar 23, 2017 10:24 am
I just can't stop disclosing to this man. It's ridiculous.
My third and hopefully last disclosure was last week, telling him that I have OCD and that I am obsessed with him.
This man's ego must be the size of Texas by now.

What is interesting is that he has never really stroked my ego, but then again, I don't need that from him.
Be kind to yourself AM21

It took me 6 disclosures for me to finally get the lesson i needed. Some of us are slow learners, me especially. :(( :((
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

Limerentfriend
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Re: Negative Aspects of Disclosing to LO

Post by Limerentfriend » Thu Mar 23, 2017 8:04 pm

sorry for hijacking your thread AM... David has touched on something that I have been pondering of late
David wrote:
Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:51 pm
I think thats one of the dangers of disclosure - often we dont get any answers and we become an even better source of ego strokes for our LO's. I suspect most of this is unconscious for our LO's who flirt to bolster their own self esteem.
THIS! This sums up my experience of LO and the interactions, though as we all know it goes deeper than this on a personal level.

Now that I’m aware, now what? If I am this and that and all the rest… I feel as though I want to say “So!” its as though I can accept the new 'me' or having a better understanding of some underlying stuff, but like, who cares? I really don’t. And I’m wondering if this is not a good place to be (attitude wise). I have found myself at crossroads because even though I have a new level of awareness, I have no mojo to do anything with it.

Which makes me wonder why all the hoo-ha of limerence in the first instance.
Call me Dr. Philly, cos I sugarcoat nothing

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