Married - LO is my wife

For those married or in a Long Term Relationship and struggling with limerence.
mondaymarch
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:52 am

Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by mondaymarch » Wed Mar 22, 2017 7:25 pm

Good point David, thank you. I'm like a kid in a candy shop though.... I'll keep on hoping and in the meantime try to establish boarders, without walls!!!

LF
You gave me a good laugh there. Yes I WISH in my wildest dreams!!! We were each other's LO's for the first few years, totally inseparable, and she had a pretty adventurous side back then too which was great. I'd give anything to have her back in my life that way. I guess she may have a Limerence element kicking around in the subconscious somewhere, I reckon if you take out the romantic side of it you could say the 4 kids may have become her new LO's .....something perhaps you could say for almost all mothers out there, she certainly focuses all her energy and thoughts on them, which is another attribute I admire and love about her, her devotion to the kids...even if I am a little bit jealous too.

Onmyjourney
Posts: 10
Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 2:13 am

Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by Onmyjourney » Sat Jun 17, 2017 5:21 pm

Hi MM, Marko, David
I feel for you MM. How distracting for you when you are a CEO running a company. I just discovered I am a limerent. Lucky for me, my latest episode isn't very severe, but I can't completely avoid my LO at this time. He doesn't pervade my thoughts all the time, though I still have the symptoms: ruminating, looking for signs of reciprocity, analyzing his body language, imagining kissing, or future encounters. I am married and I think my husband triggers my episodes because he doesn't meet my needs. When he doesn't I'm disappointed, despondent, hopeless for our marriage, fed up and very resentful.

David, I seem to remember reading somewhere you said it's not possible for our SO to meet all our needs. I don't expect all my needs, but I do expect a true partner, security, affection. I now know I have trauma to work on from my childhood, so intend to do so. Before consciously recognizing I likely had childhood trauma, I decided to separate from my husband. He is distraught and resistent.

Here's another thing...like you, I think I am my husband's LO. I feel as MM's wife feels....that his physical neediness and obsession with me is such an imbalance. I can't meet him half way because he has difficulty acknowledging his own psychological issues, therefore not getting help and blaming our problems on me...and, because he can't seem to consistently and reliably meet pretty ubiquitous needs, I am resentful and turned off, so don't want to do it. I need to feel admiration, pride, security, spoiled, taken care of more. I can't help it. My last two LE men were accomplished, successful, I admired and looked up to them. My fantasy is rescue whereas I feel admired and loved by LO, despite the hurdles, and feel I'd have the comfortable and secure lifestyle I want. But most all of my past partners and my LO's, there is deep fear they will cheat/would cheat on me.

So here I sit, at this terrible crossroads. I feel certain in my physical being that if I don't separate from the marriage, I will fall into despair for giving up on what I think is possible freedom from my wounds. Though my SO served a purpose to help some wounds, I think he was a bad pick for me because he made other deep wounds surface, and we never resolved how it was making me feel inside. Every day I question whether I should separate. Whether we are fixable.
I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm the only broken one yet I've been the rock for my family in every way. The glue as well. I'm a daily cannabis user which I wish I could stop. My kids are also showing signs of trauma since they are so off track.

I feel the only hope is to separate and then see how I feel when not faced with the disfunction of my family unit. I will work, through therapy, on my CH Trauma, try to improve so my kids are encouraged to follow suit with treatment and medication in hopes they start to rectify their troubles.

My husband now says he is considering taking off his wedding ring and perhaps date because he has needs. We haven't slept together in about 5 months. Prior to that it was frequent because I'm his LO and he was very needy for reciprocation and proof of my love and fidelity. (He is aware of previous affair with an LO, and current LO, which drives him blind with jealousy.). He even threatened to expose me to my current LO!

We are such a mess. I wanted to share so you could see two sides from someone who is an LE of another LO, yet LO of her husband. I wasn't always his LO. I think I became so as I continued to succeed, looked better all the time, and then he found out about my affair and LO behaviour.

I hope separation is the right road. I don't think my husband has nothing to work on and is not a huge participant in our disfunction. If he isn't going to dig deep and fix his own stuff, I feel I have no choice. I think staying is cutting major years from my life due to stress, sadness, lack of hope, resentment and my coping mechanisms. Something had to give. I felt compelled to separate.

I hope it's the right thing as David's wife suggests in her article, stay or go.
Wish I had some support for taking this scary drastic route.

marko
Posts: 878
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm

Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by marko » Sun Jun 18, 2017 12:54 am

Sure is tough when the choices are never great. Does being chased become a turn off now? Seems like if my wife suddenly came after me, I'd be put off for some reason. Just tough to wade through so much.

mondaymarch
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:52 am

Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by mondaymarch » Sun Sep 10, 2017 11:15 pm

Thanks for posting OMJ.
Your perspective is interesting. I've considered and continue to do so about moving out, separating, etc, however every time I do it boils down to a lesser of all evils to remain in order to maintain the family unit for stability and avoid upheaval for the children, at least until they're older.

The special needs side weighs very heavily for me with the 2 eldest boys (under 10) having autism, I genuinely fear the potential negative effects my choosing to do something, in relative selfishness, could do to them and the younger 2 as well.

Over the last 6 months I've continued therapy alone to help deal with this issue and am managing, just about. I've stepped back significantly, effectively mirroring her attitude to me. It's something that I felt I needed to do short of a more drastic move like seperation to validate in my mind she really has no interest and this is all a one way street. I can't say it's been easy, it's been absolutely horrific for me to perform an Oscar worthy act all day every day.

I have to say though having stuck with it I can report I am the better off. Baptism of fire of sorts. I feel she's realised I'm no longer the puppy dog running around seeking whatever scrap of emotional output she may throw my direction. In terms of validation my beliefs- I have made little or no effort to initiate even a hand hold and in all honesty neither has she which was crushing to me, but strange as it may sound it did help a crust form around the tomb I've surpressed my feelings into.

Add to this I became aware she had been regularly communicating with her ex of nearly 10 years which ended badly just before we met due to his being caught cheating at the time; and it further layered that crust even thicker. I did confront her and I've been told its entire platonic as she put aside her resentment for him and didn't see why I should have an issue with it. To me it's cruel, complete disregard for my feelings and cluelessness at the least.

I wish I could say I no longer allow these events to dominate my thoughts and intrude on my daily life, but anyone reading this thread will know that's not going to happen. I have been managing it, launching myself into work in a major way has helped, classic safe haven, working late into the night, but always there in the mornings to see the kids off to school and weekends but avoiding any possibility of alone time with her. Noticeably she now makes some lame attempts to try hug me for show in front of the kids or friends but I don't reciprocate at all.

I'm confident David has seen this scenario of compensation before and can offer some thoughts.

OMJ I can in part relate to your husband in that your affairs don't seem to faze his feelings towards you, I know in the earlier days of my wife loosing all interest and making zero effort paired off with striking up the friendship and communication with her ex, I rationalised to myself, if she's not interested in me and is seeing someone else that's fine once she tells me, I can live with it, once she's happy and it's not my fault, maybe see someone else myself and it can all work out or whatever, but I couldn't buy this complete loss of interest in me or anybody else.

However in reality on reflection while I would have looked to maintain the family unit at all costs for the sake of the children I think the marriage would need to be mutually recognised as over, and both sides acknowledge the others rights to see other people if that's what they wanted to do.

Radey
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:10 am

Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by Radey » Mon Sep 11, 2017 1:10 pm

I feel for you MM. my marriage is similar with me being the one not wanting to have sex with SO. I actually feel bad about it all the time because he is a very good man. The problem is that I feel disconnected with him and find him unattractive. How do you have sex with someone you are not connected with and have no attraction for? Unfortunately he has not looked after himself physically because he is a workaholic. He is not fun to be with. My needs when I married him have changed and he is not meeting my needs now. I believe this made me vulnerable to LE. Now that I have moved on from my LO, I feel empty and vulnerable to LE with someone else. I am now in counselling and have started to have difficult conversations with my SO. I feel bad, guilty, down and depressed about it because I know he is suffering and his needs are not being met too. I dont know where the conversations will lead but I advice that you keep talking to your SO and go for counselling. You don't know what she is dealing with as well. My counsellor told me that what affects the kids more is the way couples split not the split itself. David wrote a very good article on separating with sense. Hopefully you won't need to separate but please don't do anything that may cause resentment and bitterness.
Good luck.
Radey

mondaymarch
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:52 am

Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by mondaymarch » Mon Sep 11, 2017 3:15 pm

Thanks Radey. It is certainly helpful to see it from the other side. I can draw close comparisons, I've always worked long hours since we first met and had cut this right back to try and focus on the relationship for over a year about a year ago but it yielded nothing so I've now thrown myself back into my work in the last 6 months. Similarly I've physically aged a lot over this period and definitely consider myself unattractive to my wife and others, it's hard to articulate but the hit to my confidence in general is very noticeable. I've kept a decent physique but following in my fathers and grandfathers footsteps when it comes to a hairline doesn't help along with a weathers yachtsman look. Even if my looks were fantastic, it wouldn't matter as one needs to feel loved to feel wanted, attractive and confident. Thanks for sharing and best of luck to you too.

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