Disclosure to SO

For those married or in a Long Term Relationship and struggling with limerence.
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mrsjones
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Disclosure to SO

Post by mrsjones » Fri Jun 30, 2017 1:56 am

These last two weeks have brought so much turmoil and depression for me. After completely withdrawing from DH, last night I came to my breaking point. He came and asked was I ok, not in the usual off-hand token kind of way but I could sense that he was genuinely concerned and all I could do was shake my head sob my heart out. I told him I think we need to work on our relationship, how I gave up some time ago on doing my part to nurture it because I felt so resentful that I was the only one putting in the effort. We talked about how the years have brought so much stress and pressure and 2017 has been the worst. In the most awkward and clumsy way I proceeded to confess that the vulnerability in our relationship under this stress had me resorting to the kinds of patterns that I used to escape trauma as a child - namely my infatuations. He asked was there a particular person and I told him that I was pretty sure he knew who it was and he guessed right, although he couldn't bring himself to say his name. He asked if the interest had been returned or if I was pursuing him as in sending messages or phone calls or if something was actually "happening" and I told him in all honesty, no.
He was gracious and understanding, but the torturous thing about addressing anything with him is that he internalises everything, sits with it and stews on it and I have to ask him very specific questions to get any communication about how he is feeling. He is also a very black and white thinker and generally any challenge lands him ultimately embracing the worst case scenario. Now I remember why I stopped talking to him about my feelings - it is such a painfully delicate process.

Neither of us could sleep and we ended up downstairs on the couch in the middle of the night. I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking and all he could tell me was that he felt completely lost - not just in relation to us, but in his work, his FOO and amongst his friends. He was contemplating the worst case scenario - had I fallen out of love with him? What's going to happen to us now? As if the very fact that we are experiencing problems meant that there was no hope for us. I told him many marriages hit bumps in the road, it doesn't mean that it is over, it means that we have to work at it. I said that the reason I revealed this to him was because I do love him and value our marriage. He thought about this for awhile then embraced me and said thank you for being brave enough to be so honest with him.

This morning we connected in a more intimate way than I can remember doing so for a long while. There was no animosity, there was a new compassion and regard. I just pray that we can keep moving in this direction consistently.

Meanwhile, I feel incredibly shaken up. I had not planned to disclose, least of all on the eve of my final day seeing LO (who I will see this afternoon) before 6 weeks NC and also DH has a meeting with his brother tonight who he has been estranged from for a few months (after we received bullying and threats from him over email - long, long story) which does not bode well. I guess it all just came to a head and when is a good time for these things to take place anyway? Now I am left to deal with the feeling of grief around having put the first nail in the coffin to bury this fantasy I have been holding onto about LO and I don't know how I'm going to act around LO from here. I think this probably needed to happen before LO left because I know I will not feel as intensely after some time of NC and then I would become complacent, only for him to return and for me to probably fall harder and harder, prolonging this torturous ordeal and continuing to neglect a marriage that is in desperate need of attention.

I would love to hear from anyone who has been through this and come out the other side or is going through it. What happened on the other side of disclosure to your spouse? How did you and how did they deal with it? What has helped and what has hindered in piecing things back together?

Kim
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Re: Disclosure to SO

Post by Kim » Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:01 am

:ymhug: to you. That was a brave thing to do. I hope it is the beginning of the end of limerence for you. David always encourages disclosure to SO if at all possible and it sounds like your DH took it relatively well. I have been thinking of you a lot over the last few days and will be praying for your situation in the future. -Kim

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David
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Re: Disclosure to SO

Post by David » Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:47 am

mrsjones wrote:
Fri Jun 30, 2017 1:56 am

I would love to hear from anyone who has been through this and come out the other side or is going through it. What happened on the other side of disclosure to your spouse? How did you and how did they deal with it? What has helped and what has hindered in piecing things back together?
Disclosure to our SO is always a huge step and in my opinion, a necessary part if we are going to improve the communication in our primary relationship. Of course its painful for our SO's to hear we are captivated with another.

Initially SO was angry - with time she came to appreciate i was acting out through my addictive tendencies. I repeatedly asked her if she could view me as if i were addicted to something else as opposed to another person, reassured her i was doing my inner work and wasn't going to throw the towel in on our marriage.

SO has written about her experience of my limerence here http://loverelations.co.uk/how-the-crac ... -marriage/

It sounds like your SO is being understanding. Like so many, it sounds like he's staying in his head to avoid his feelings. Jeff Brown's quote i posted this morning will equally apply to your SO as well as your self. Does he appreciate he is 50% of the problem? If he does that's great. If he thinks you are all the problem then he has a long way to go.

Keep at it, there is always hope.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

mrsjones
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Re: Disclosure to SO - thank you David

Post by mrsjones » Fri Jun 30, 2017 9:42 am

Thanks Kim and thanks David. David, I am really so indebted to you for creating this forum and all the resources you have made available. It was only because of your encouragement that I was able to take that step. You helped me to see that if I was going to have real intimacy in my marriage it was going to take real emotional honesty - sharing both the good and the difficult stuff. I have read your SO's article and that was also really helpful, thanks to her for sharing so honestly.

DH came home from work at lunch time and we had a really good talk. I realised that in my inability last night to say straight out "I have an obsessive infatuation with another man!!" I was vague and confusing and what I said could have been interpreted as me telling him that I was actively pursuing an affair! So I clarified that that was not the case and we spoke very honestly. We talked about limerence and to my surprise he was already familiar with the whole biochemistry and addiction aspect - turns out that they had explored this in a men's course at church. (surprise surprise there's no equivalent course for women! X( ) So that really helped us to understand each other. He also revealed to me that his ex gf from before we met had cheated on him and left him with someone who had the same name as my LO #-o So it is good that we're both aware of that there is that extra element of reminders of past hurts.
Does he appreciate he is 50% of the problem?
Yes he does, he really openly owned up to his share of the problems in our marriage and is totally willing to go to couple's counselling.

Oddly enough, today is actually the happiest and most relaxed I've seen him for ages!

I do feel like this is a bit of a leap forward, although I realise its not going to be easy. I managed to farewell LO in a friendly and casual manner without a major emotional crash this afternoon, but felt such a yearning when I read the beautiful things he wrote about my daughter in her report card =((
Oh and I have a bit of a problem with the Mexican food aisle in the supermarket. 8-|

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LisaTranscending
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Re: Disclosure to SO

Post by LisaTranscending » Fri Jun 30, 2017 3:58 pm

it touches me to see that you and your SO begin this new way of being together , surmounting limerence through love and honest communication.
you have so much to be thankful for. your SO's response was so kind and gentle. You picked a truly caring and understanding man. I think you will weather this limerence storm and find a better life on the other side.

Spinnaker
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Re: Disclosure to SO

Post by Spinnaker » Fri Jun 30, 2017 6:19 pm

mrsjones~

Wow! Such uplifting news to hear that you were able to confide in your DH... and his reaction. I am happy you've had that weight lifted and you can begin healing and reconnecting with DH.

It would be great if you choose to share your progress. Agree, this forum is invaluable. (Thank you David!)

You've taken the first HUGE step in the right direction which takes bravery and faith. :ympray:

I was trying to find a good song to send your way and this one came to mind.

Phillip Phillips
Can't go Wrong
:ymhug:

"Good judgement comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad judgement".

Fred Brooks

JohnDeux
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Re: Disclosure to SO

Post by JohnDeux » Fri Jun 30, 2017 6:31 pm

Can I "pile on"?? ;)

Huge step, mrsjones!......just adding additional voice of support. SO will be going through the acute shock just now....will be rooting for your situation that he will come to some understanding about what you are going through as you tackle this together.

Pudding
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Re: Disclosure to SO

Post by Pudding » Fri Jun 30, 2017 7:23 pm

Mrsjones, I am so glad that your disclosure has gone as well as it probably could have. It must feel like an immense weight has been lifted. Do you think it made your goodbye to LO easier, less impactful and significant?

I hope to one day be able to disclose to DH about my limerence but with the current school situation, I'm not sure this year would be the best time.

I wish you nothing but luck :ymhug:

mrsjones
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Re: Disclosure to SO

Post by mrsjones » Mon Jul 03, 2017 7:05 am

LisaTranscending wrote:
Fri Jun 30, 2017 3:58 pm
it touches me to see that you and your SO begin this new way of being together , surmounting limerence through love and honest communication.
you have so much to be thankful for. your SO's response was so kind and gentle. You picked a truly caring and understanding man. I think you will weather this limerence storm and find a better life on the other side.
Thank you Lisa 😌Yes, this has reminded me of the deeper reasons why I married him - he is understanding and kind and accepts me for who I am. His reaction has reinforced to me why its so worth working through all the other stuff. Having this deeper level of honesty and vulnerability seems to have reignited our feelings for each other in some way too!

I'm really overwhelmed by everyone's encouragement and support here! Thank you all for commiserating with me and as well as sharing my joys xx

L-F
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Re: Disclosure to SO

Post by L-F » Tue Jul 04, 2017 7:51 pm

mrsjones wrote:
Mon Jul 03, 2017 7:05 am
Yes, this has reminded me of the deeper reasons why I married him - he is understanding and kind and accepts me for who I am. His reaction has reinforced to me why its so worth working through all the other stuff. Having this deeper level of honesty and vulnerability seems to have reignited our feelings for each other in some way too!
I'm happy to read of your story. I could have written the above. My DH is a strong man and he too is a black and white thinker. We've been able to explore limerence together however it hasn't been long since starting to explore codependency and what that looks like for us. I had a major meltdown a few weeks ago and from that stemmed a new awareness of our roles and how we need to step outside of them. So in terms of disclosure, DH was supportive from the start. In terms of carrying our own bags, this phase has recently begun, which has brought us closer than we've been for many moons. A new new phase, one that goes beyond limerence and in to a reconnecting one on a healthier level.

Sending good thoughts your way as you work thru this together.
"The day we take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us and stop playing the victim, we feel a much lighter load" David

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