Married - LO is my wife

For those married or in a Long Term Relationship and struggling with limerence.
mondaymarch
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Married - LO is my wife

Post by mondaymarch » Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:13 pm

Hi Guys

First time posting here. I'm a married male of 10 years, have been together with my absolutely gorgeous wife for 6 years before that so 16 years in total, and I've only recently become aware I've always been and remain highly limerent towards her.

I've always experienced these debilitating and overwhelmingly strong feeling of attraction and affection towards her, probably the reason we came together to start with. The standard hot and heavy love bubble. However as the years passed she settled back into "typical" relationship mode cooling off, while my feelings remained the same. I think they even became stronger particularly following her cooling over the years.

We have 4 wonderful children, however with our eldest 2 diagnosed with autism and my wife suffering a nasty physical attack from an in-law on her side of family which tragically caused complete estrangement between her and her immediate family due to their support of the in law during the police prosecution. Additionally my wife was pregnant with our 3rd child when attacked and miscarried shortly thereafter as a result. She understandably developed and continues to suffer from depression and anxieties, which I must say she deals with brilliantly, however this led to her complete loss of libido and withdrawal away from me entirely, immersing herself in the children and everything to do with them. Starting 6 years ago. We did conceive our younger 2 children during this time but it was not the same. Love making was the only thing close to intimacy and was now purely to conceive not for closeness or affection. It was like she was a stranger at times, and it was very clear she really didn't want me anywhere near her in any way, barely tolerating intercourse only doing so as a means to an end.

So essentially for the better part of our marriage I've been going out of my mind tormented by an addiction, infatuation, indescribable desires to hold, caress, kiss, love, make love with, to name a few but with no way whatsoever to achieve this nor have the feelings reciprocated in any way.

She knows it is not right the way she feels and we have been to couples counselling where I learned a lot, particularly about some small issues she had but were developed into major barriers for her against me. Having addressed everything on my side there was still no advancement for her and I attended therapy alone to try to understand it. Only after it being declared to me that I presented obsessive compulsive behaviour relating to my intense feelings for her and with permitting regular interruption and intrusive thoughts throughout my day to day activities, I researched and came across Limerence which basically ticks every box for me. To a certain degree I am relieved as I thought I was going crazy. I've discussed it with my wife and while she is a little weirded out she has been fantastic is listening and trying to grasp it. She had always dismissed my strong feelings as immature and childish, at least now I can communicate to her with some substance the way I feel and more importantly why I feel.

What I have found strange is I cannot see any other evidence of my experience where the LO is an existing partner. I see plenty of accounts where the LO is a past acquaintance or love interest or indeed another person outside of a long term relationship, but nothing similar to where I am.

I would like to hear of anyone else who finds themselves in a limerent situation where the LO also happened to be their partner, wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend. I would appreciate sharing what mechanisms have been explored to cope and manage the intense feelings towards the LO given the circumstance of the LO being the partner, living together, sharing a bed, seeing them every day and desiring them all day every day albeit without reciprocation.

Thanks for reading. Mason

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David
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Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by David » Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:23 pm

morning MM

On reflection, i was pretty love addicted to my SO for the first 25 years of our marriage. It was the classic love addict / love avoidant dance. The relationship started out as limerence for me whilst she was limerent for her ex when we met.

With time my feelings subsided but i was always the insecure needy one that needed sex to feel secure. My neediness engulfed her and caused her to pull back and withhold sex that led me to feel even more insecure - and so the dance continued.

So whilst i wasnt in acute overt lala limerence land, the dynamic was pretty similar. And the origins for love addiction and limerence are also similar as is the treatment.

Your SO is spot on when she says you are coming from an immature place.

The work is for you to take responsibility for your emotional baggage and start the heavy lifting. And your wife will likely have her equal share of stuff (you alluded to some dysfunctional FOO on her side ) that it would help for her to work on too.

Lots of info and help here

David
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

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JohnDeux
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Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by JohnDeux » Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:51 pm

@MM: "I cannot see any other evidence of my experience where the LO is an existing partner."

It's less common, yes, but it can happen and I recall two or three that were reported between here and Tribe-LE when that forum was active. And in both directions....husband limerent for wife and wife limerent for husband. It was causing problems either way. Welcome here and I hope you find some good information and advice to assist with your situation.

mondaymarch
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Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by mondaymarch » Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:12 pm

David and John

Thank you. It's all relatively new territory so looking forward to moving forward!!

Mason

marko
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Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by marko » Tue Mar 21, 2017 1:15 am

My wife is an LO and still married. I am very needy, maybe I drove her away, but she has been very cold to me for 10ish years. So it took one lady in the perfect circumstances--no home love, super critical dads death, looks like my first LO from 40 yrs ago, she's very attractive, full of energy, and happens to be the one at work I get to interact with. She made a comment I was handsome and my brain disintegrated and left the planet. It's been fun, but way more painful than I could imagine. Welcome here and you'll find lots of support.

mondaymarch
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Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by mondaymarch » Wed Mar 22, 2017 11:00 am

Yes I can agree Marko, while my LO is my wife and I obsess over her covertly day in day out, overtly it mostly resembles your scenario of obsessing over a co worker who has no interest in reciprocation and appears entirely oblivious to the level of interest and plight on this side of the fence. Our relationship certainly resembles that of co workers all of the time (the job of raising our children and co habitating, household chores, bills, commitments, etc) It's very much overwhelming to see and interact with her every day with no reciprocation. Sometimes I find myself lingering over the scent of her perfume on her blouse before it goes into the laundry, then realise how pathetic it is that I cannot even get close enough to my own wife, Limerence or not, to appreciate her perfume. In the past year particularly it has begun interfering with my work as I regularly find myself thinking and rethinking of our relationship and how to fix it. I have been advise in therapy to come to terms with the fact it's provably not fixable and to accept it is what it is. However that's easier said than done. I fear taking a drastic step like moving out would place too much upon her emotionally and physically. Then I think maybe it's a wake up call she needs as she is completely content to have me make her breakfast or get her a coffee whenever I get mine or anything a loving doting husband would do but appreciates it in no way. I find myself alternating like a pin-ball from: maybe I can live with life this way, to no way, what if I have a no strings affair to address my sexual needs at least, no way, I love her too much and nobody else even comes close to her, to maybe if I just stick with it for another few years and she may come around, to this is pointless she's never going to hold my hand again let alone be intimate.....what if ...what if... This happens during work (I'm a CEO of my own company) and lately my work commitments are taking priority behind these intrusive thoughts. I was always very analytical in every way and did allow myself to think about matters, even mundane, away from the topic but this constant obsessing over my wife is getting out of hand, I think at least. Any thoughts?

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David
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Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by David » Wed Mar 22, 2017 11:07 am

mondaymarch wrote:
Wed Mar 22, 2017 11:00 am
I have been advise in therapy to come to terms with the fact it's provably not fixable and to accept it is what it is.
Im not sure this is good advice. If both sides are willing to work at the resentments that build up in many marriages, then things are fixable.

Whilst you may be high on the dependent scale, is your wife aware she may be high on the avoidant scale? Our unconscious attachment styles play out in romantic relationship more than anywhere else.

I would suggest emotionally focussed couples therapy (EFCT). Its based on the work and book by Sue Townsend, hold me tight. Its a powerful way of working. It helps couples see the unconscious attachment patterns that are getting played out.

If your wife refuses to go to MC, then thats a tougher one. then it may take something more drastic to wake her up and get her to look at her 50% contribution to the marriage. It took my own limerence to get my SO to engage fully in MC.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

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mondaymarch
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Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by mondaymarch » Wed Mar 22, 2017 1:43 pm

Therein lurks the difficulty. She disengaged from the couples therapy as soon as her couple of issues with me were addressed and corrected (getting home from work earlier, helping with kids more, that's about it) which focused the spotlight or her lack of doing anything whatsoever to move off square 1 where she remained and remains firmly rooted. Short of begging her to return she flat out refused citing she was not interested in being lectured to about lack effort towards any intimacy never mind sexual. She simply stated she's no interest in a physical relationship in any way. On one hand she acknowledges this is not right possibly based of her siblings or friends saying it to her, but nonetheless she seems perfectly content to remain this way and have little or no empathy for the torment it is having on me. I can't imagine a non limerent being overly happy with the situation either. I have found this attitude has really aggregated the Limerence yo-yo effect of peak and trough where if she is semi-receptive and pleasant or appearing caring in any way I'm on a high and as if my world has all come together, verses any rejection thereafter causing me to crash and despair. She is oblivious to this in the most part beyond my being either extra attentive versus being quiet and withdrawn. I believe this is the context my therapist is referring that given my wife's unwillingness to engage or make effort to address the issue I may need to consider accepting it for what it is. It is in this regard I see myself in a tailspin.

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David
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Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by David » Wed Mar 22, 2017 2:45 pm

I really feel for you MM as your situation takes me back to 2009. It reminded me of a post i made on the Talk about marriage website which was 2 years before I was infected with limerence.

I was listening to a talk this morning on boundaries and thats what comes to mind. Setting down boundaries about what you are and are not prepared to accept in your marriage. That said, boundaires with consequences that are not followed through are pointless. Boundaries are not about punishment. They are about you putting a marker in the sand as to what you will and won't accept in a marriage. Boundaries are about self care and stating clearly what your needs are. Living in a sexless marriage is unfair if your wife is expecting you to do this.

It does seem the more avoidant party is more resistant to look at their own baggage. Sometimes it takes something extreme to wake them up to their own denial.

I wish you luck.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Relationship Coaching, Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy see http://loverelations.co.uk

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JellyBean
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Re: Married - LO is my wife

Post by JellyBean » Wed Mar 22, 2017 3:25 pm

Imagine if both were each others LO? Amazing sex (for life) and no affairs - win/win! :YMDAYDREAM:
Just call me LF, short for Limerent Friend.

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