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Rejection advice?

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pes225
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Nov 16, 2020 11:16 pm
Gender:
Wales

Rejection advice?

Post by pes225 »

Hello :)

Recently realised i am a serial limerence-er (?), would be very grateful for some advice!

In my first week of university, I developed a crush on a girl (im a girl too) and its all good until I start telling myself I'm being predatory and creepy, even though we've never even talked and literally all that happens is flirty eye-contact across the dining hall or on the street etc. (and was definitely reciprocated at first). Then the shame and self deprecation kicks in but at the same time I'm still addicted to the dopamine rush from seeing her. I ended up becoming simultaneously obsessed and terrified of her, i never built up enough courage to make a move but i kept looking for any sign of reciprocation. It eventually got to the point where she started looking at me with what i think was pity and maybe a little bit of disgust - which obviously fed into my self-loathing and made my obsession with her even worse !! Whoop

By the end of the year i was pretty depressed, anxious and lonely; I'd lost over 2 stone, my university degree was going down the loo and my only consistent relationship was with drugs.

Lock-down no.1 sort of saved me in a way, gave me an opportunity to stop the drug abuse and reconnect with my family ( i <3 my narcissistic mum) but now Im back at university again and the obsession is creeping in. Ive seen her on the street a couple of times - reaffirmed my belief that shes not into me, even saw her pointing me out to her friend (maybe byf?) in a kind of mocking way, which obviously f***ing sucked, but perversely also fed into my need for attention from her.

Im still daydreaming about her and my limerence is most definitely alive and well.
I think i need a hard rejection to get over her and move on.

Has anyone got some advice on how I could do this? or could share their experience with this and how it helped them?
I feel like Im just desperate for an excuse to message her... but surely a rejection would help me move on?!




** bit of context as to why i didnt message / talk her ages ago:

- her friendship group are known for being pretty intimidating and mean, Im already scared of them and I think this would make it really humiliating seeing them around university (especially if it turned out she's straight !)

- one time we were at the same nightclub, she crossed the warehouse-sized club and started dancing really near to me, we kept making eye-contact and i was feeling super confident because I was really high so I went and tapped her shoulder. When she turned around, she looked at me with what seemed like pure disgust ... makes me think i made up all the signs of reciprocation from my side.

- i dont really have any other excuse, just that i didn't have the confidence for it


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marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Rejection advice?

Post by marko »

Limerence won't allow you to process the rejection as rejection. You made up all the reciprocation and were rejected. Even that won't help and you'll be mad at me for being cruel. We do this in order to feel less horrible about our selves. Reciprocation doesn't change what's wrong with you, only how you feel about it. In the pain of this, finding out what self dialogue makes one have such a need of healing is where it begins. That rush is covering some or many things, and even though it flips to sadness, your mind and projections keep the high coming. Rejection kills me and it stems from a life of that--something like that may uncover why you ended up here. Post away, we are here for that.
Katrulz
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 9:32 pm
Gender:
Australia

Re: Rejection advice?

Post by Katrulz »

Tbh you’ve already had your rejection. She’s not into you as you’ve said yourself.
Unfortunately the dopamine high won’t let you see that as you’ve put her on a pedestal in your mind.
No, you don’t need rejection, you need to understand why you feel what you feel.
We are addicts. We have a hole in our life and through fantasising and daydreaming and regurgitating positive interactions, we make ourselves believe a person will “fix” us and make us happy. It’s a lie, however our brain believes it. It then sends us a dopamine rush flooding our system with drives and anxiety aimed towards LO. That is what you experience.
Limerence has symptoms of high dopamine and low serotonin. In a nutshell it means we get symptoms of depression and anxiety to get something we think will make us feel happy - ie LO.
Understand that this is what is happening and go NC. Stop thinking bout her. Eat some dark chocolate and find something else to think about like a mobile game, book, hobby, exercise, holiday, movie marathon.
Perhaps try keeping a journal to record all the negatives and read them when you feel those drives.
Most of all, remember you’re not alone and dont let that wave of depression overcome you. Be strong and remember you are special and important.
Married Female In 30s
Multiple LO's since primary school ending with reciprication, transference, starvation and burnout.
Started NC 10/12/18 with last platonic LO.
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