Struggling with the one thing

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Idiotic
Posts: 1949
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Struggling with the one thing

Post by Idiotic »

I havent been here in a while, been riding my newest LE wave haha....
over the few past weeks im beginning to find myself again, look at things objectively again

Its been about 6 months now
My mind is my own, for longer stretches of time
i cant go NC or even LC, cos its a bit complicated now, we are 'friends' hahah , what a joke
But its true
neither of us want to do the violence of being rid of each other in one go

maybe itll happen , maybe it wont

but back to me...

I was thinking today, looking back at the past months, as you can only do when you have reached the end of it, or as near as the end you can be, you dont really look back at things when youre in dead middle ... i was thinking , remembering all the warning signs i chose to ignore, walking deeper in to shit , driven by fear, all the while being aware of what i was doing, what lead me? fear? Fear is a powerful motivator.. whats more is i walked in it blindly, blindly cos i had no vision of where i was going, only that i was willingly walking in a certain direction, not walking, falling in , without making efforts to stop myself
i know better now , to know that i dont know how time works on us, i dont know , why now, it has eased, i can only identify time, as the reason, there might be other reasons, but i simply dont know
I have reached the point where i look back and wonder if its a mistake, its not that easy now that ive grown up more, to easily dismiss someone as a mistake, how can a whole person, a whole friendship be a mistake? Maybe somewhere in the mix is pride, its hard to admit such a big mistake... that i made a mistake...this lead me to question my whole way of thinking , that im tired of carrying around, i did for all my youth, this self hatred, for making mistakes, when things dont work out , calling it a mistake, and then punishing myself, and the all familiar hate, and then after... a period of numbness which i mistook as peace,then tumbling right into the next trauma bond to fill the void in me...
I struggled with the concept of self love, i didnt understand it, i remember posting about it long back, and i remember JDs words, something along the lines of , you deserve your compassion as much as the other person.

But now i think , i cant arrive at self love, from without, i need to address its flip side, stop thinking in terms of mistakes , when it comes to my life, its too complex to label something as a mistake , in hindsight,
But i struggle with it, i dont know how else to think about it, how to forgive myself , for making so many of these 'mistakes'.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

L-F
Posts: 3072
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Struggling with the one thing

Post by L-F »

IMO there are no such things as mistakes, just lessons.

Sending good energy your way dude.

"A seed neither fears light nor darkness, but uses both to grow."
Matshona Dhliwayo

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

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Chuck
Posts: 114
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 11:04 pm
Canada

Re: Struggling with the one thing

Post by Chuck »

Over the last number of years I have become a student of, and a strong believer in, the notion of "Determinism".
None of us chose our genetics, our parents, our native language, or cultural upbringing, none of it. All of these things made you who you are. Every time you have a decision to make, you will always make a decision in keeping with you being you.

When I look back at my LE now, I can see how ridiculous it was. How the fantasy I was clinging to was absurd and impossible for a number of reasons. But I also realize that, based on what I knew at the time, and how I felt emotionally, there was no way that I could have acted any differently than I did. Feeling that I "loved" her as strongly as I did, it would have been impossible not to act. To even suggest that I could have simply reasoned it out and just decided not to pursue her company would be to deny that I ever even felt the way that I did. That would have been the biggest lie of all.

At the end of the day, you made the best decisions you could based on what you felt and what you believed. In that context you didn't make any mistakes at all. Things just aren't always what we hope.
"In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."
Buddhist saying

Idiotic
Posts: 1949
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: Struggling with the one thing

Post by Idiotic »

Chuck wrote:
Fri Sep 11, 2020 5:55 pm
Over the last number of years I have become a student of, and a strong believer in, the notion of "Determinism".
None of us chose our genetics, our parents, our native language, or cultural upbringing, none of it. All of these things made you who you are. Every time you have a decision to make, you will always make a decision in keeping with you being you.

When I look back at my LE now, I can see how ridiculous it was. How the fantasy I was clinging to was absurd and impossible for a number of reasons. But I also realize that, based on what I knew at the time, and how I felt emotionally, there was no way that I could have acted any differently than I did. Feeling that I "loved" her as strongly as I did, it would have been impossible not to act. To even suggest that I could have simply reasoned it out and just decided not to pursue her company would be to deny that I ever even felt the way that I did. That would have been the biggest lie of all.

At the end of the day, you made the best decisions you could based on what you felt and what you believed. In that context you didn't make any mistakes at all. Things just aren't always what we hope.
It's hard to feel responsible , and yet not feel responsible.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

Maddie
Posts: 1481
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
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Re: Struggling with the one thing

Post by Maddie »

Hey Idiotic! I was wondering where you were. Had not seen you on here in a while. I can relate to the rumination of my mistake and the extreme self-loathing. it's been on my mind lately. i think about it every night trying to fall asleep and can't really fall asleep. I'm trying to have compassion for myself. i feel like it's the best choice, bc I cant go on hating myself. I try to think of "how would I encourage a friend in this exact situation?" and I try to say that to myself. it is truly shocking how I see things now compared to at the beginning of limerence. shocking.

(I know it's easier said than done but just wanted to say I'm on the struggle bus too)
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

MrSpock
Posts: 1021
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
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Age: 49
Argentina

Re: Struggling with the one thing

Post by MrSpock »

Hi Idiotic,
Idiotic wrote:
Thu Sep 10, 2020 9:36 pm
But now i think , i cant arrive at self love, from without, i need to address its flip side, stop thinking in terms of mistakes, when it comes to my life, its too complex to label something as a mistake , in hindsight,
But i struggle with it, i dont know how else to think about it, how to forgive myself , for making so many of these 'mistakes'.
I think you said it right there: you need to stop thinking in terms of mistakes.

We are conditioned, by both nature and nurture, to want to avoid mistakes. And that almost makes sense, because a mistake is, by definition, something we did which turned out not as we planned nor wanted.
But, as it also turns out, every mistake is also a lesson, because we can learn from it.

Why would we want to avoid a hard learned lesson? We might wish to learn the easier way, true. But, as it happens, the lessons learned the hard way are the ones which last the longer and which cut the deepest.

So, one should never be afraid of making mistakes in the future, nor regret the mistakes of the past. The only thing that needs to be avoided and regretted is learning nothing from them. That's the real tragedy.

Forgiving yourself is easy if you learn from your mistakes. Even the mistakes that are repeated again and again, and again, because some lessons take a lifetime.

Like Thomas Edison once famously said: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

HopelesslyDevoted
Posts: 35
Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2020 12:26 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Struggling with the one thing

Post by HopelesslyDevoted »

Well said MrSpock.

Everybody makes mistakes, there's no avoiding it. There is always a lesson to be learned, and sometimes you need to repeat the mistake before it finally sinks in.

I should have known better than to spark a friendship with my LO, part of me knew I was playing with fire. My husband always said that I was like a moth to a flame with my LO when we were together in high school. I thought it couldn't do any harm, after all I had broken up with my LO the last time, but I didn't even notice my wings were burning until it was too late.

It's been a long few months being confused, heartbroken and feeling immense guilt at having these feelings again when my husband is incredibly loving and adores me.

If it wasn't for that hypnosis managing to interrupt that obsessive thought pattern I'd still be stuck there.

What I need to understand now is that I shouldn't try to be friends with someone that I feel I have such a deep connection too, I am not able to keep a lid on it so I can't do it again.

If he gets in touch again in the future, I have to shut it down immediately, there is no magic middle ground for me.

Learning this has been incredibly saddening but at least now I know.
Date last contact: 30/08/20 Trying to accept that whatever it was is over - why is it so hard 💔

JupiterTaco
Posts: 4441
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Struggling with the one thing

Post by JupiterTaco »

Regarding the subject of mistakes, I think we as a society judge mistakes pretty harshly (one's own or someone else's). I truly believe that until people start understanding that mistakes are part of life and a way to learn, so many people will live their lives terrified of messing up when it's really human nature.
"Byreeeeeeeen! Byreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!"

Idiotic
Posts: 1949
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: Struggling with the one thing

Post by Idiotic »

Maddie wrote:
Fri Sep 11, 2020 10:34 pm
Hey Idiotic! I was wondering where you were. Had not seen you on here in a while. I can relate to the rumination of my mistake and the extreme self-loathing. it's been on my mind lately. i think about it every night trying to fall asleep and can't really fall asleep. I'm trying to have compassion for myself. i feel like it's the best choice, bc I cant go on hating myself. I try to think of "how would I encourage a friend in this exact situation?" and I try to say that to myself. it is truly shocking how I see things now compared to at the beginning of limerence shocking.

(I know it's easier said than done but just wanted to say I'm on the struggle bus too)
Hello Maddie
I hope youre doing alright, well... as best as you can

Its funny the other day i was following the same pattern of thought, i was like if a friend told you about this strange girl, you would be like, get away, clear your head, and when it comes to you ,its confusion and confusion.


You know i have a feeling now that ive seen myself over two serious LEs, i think its almost impossible to avoid the beginning of LE, cos of the nature of our minds, i walked in seeing all the red flags and always thinking i was in control, and each day i was slipping and i didnt realise until my heartaches....


i think with each LE, we might not be able to prevent it altogether, but maybe , we can manage well, once we know we are in it.
Knowing you are deep in it , thats when you can start recovery.

Its almost like getting the bug or something, you can try to prevent it maybe, but once you catch it , you can only take steps to make yourself recover better, not think about exactly what moment you caught it.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

Idiotic
Posts: 1949
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: Struggling with the one thing

Post by Idiotic »

MrSpock wrote:
Sat Sep 12, 2020 4:32 am
Hi Idiotic,
Idiotic wrote:
Thu Sep 10, 2020 9:36 pm
But now i think , i cant arrive at self love, from without, i need to address its flip side, stop thinking in terms of mistakes, when it comes to my life, its too complex to label something as a mistake , in hindsight,
But i struggle with it, i dont know how else to think about it, how to forgive myself , for making so many of these 'mistakes'.
I think you said it right there: you need to stop thinking in terms of mistakes.

We are conditioned, by both nature and nurture, to want to avoid mistakes. And that almost makes sense, because a mistake is, by definition, something we did which turned out not as we planned nor wanted.
But, as it also turns out, every mistake is also a lesson, because we can learn from it.

Why would we want to avoid a hard learned lesson? We might wish to learn the easier way, true. But, as it happens, the lessons learned the hard way are the ones which last the longer and which cut the deepest.

So, one should never be afraid of making mistakes in the future, nor regret the mistakes of the past. The only thing that needs to be avoided and regretted is learning nothing from them. That's the real tragedy.

Forgiving yourself is easy if you learn from your mistakes. Even the mistakes that are repeated again and again, and again, because some lessons take a lifetime.

Like Thomas Edison once famously said: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Hi mr Spock
i hope youve been well

I understand what you mean
I learned a lot from my first LE

but im learning some different kind of lessons from this LE now hahha

I dont know whr you find it in you Mr Spock, this force for life
I appreciate it

You are a great Dad person =:)
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

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