Long time forum problems

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Cookie
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Re: Long time forum problems

Post by Cookie »

I’ve been kind of an arrogant jerk on this forum lately, and I apologize. To L-F and everyone. I’m angry, but not at any one specific person. At myself mostly for not getting past the limerence. If I was, I wouldn’t be here.

This last LO was a rabbit hole, and it’s made me less eager to connect with people in general and talk to my friends. What’s strange is I don’t miss them like I should, which has called into question whether I have any real attachments at all. Except to my kids, and I think we’re good there. And SO, but not 100%. My door (phone) is always open to people, but I rarely initiate contact.

Maybe it’s addiction to emotional pain like that other thread, and I always need to beat myself up for something. IDK. And these anxious times. Not trying to rationalize it, but if I’ve been weird or mean, I’m sorry.
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MrSpock
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Re: Long time forum problems

Post by MrSpock »

Pandora wrote:
Sat Jul 25, 2020 2:34 am
I guess where I'd struggle with this one is that I do think it can be appropriate to comment on the situation as presented (e.g.: 'Your LO doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for you if they're bragging to you about how they got laid after you disclosed to them.'). I think where I draw the line is if the OP doesn't respond well to my comments, I have to withdraw. Either 'I'm sorry, you're right I don't know the situation 100%' and then leaving the thread, or just not commenting anymore. In my POV, most of the damage is done when the commenter refuses to leave OP alone and feels they have to hammer in how correct they are.
I agree that the real damage is done when the commenter doesn't apologize and withdraw.
So, the rule could be:

"Do not insist on any advise that is not welcome regardless of the reasons for it".

However, a problem with that rule is that it operates reactively, not proactively, and it might be too late.

People in here are likely to be over sensitive, in the middle of an emotional turmoil, and if they told a hard truth, even if it is the truth, they are likely to react negatively, in which case the commenter would have to have the understanding and empathy to avoid joining the so-called drama-triangle. The history of the posts in this forum that prompted this thread clearly show that this is not how it goes.

That rule is far more practical in my opinion because it's not easy to "read" posters to figure out if they can or cannot take criticism.
But, if the goal is to set up more "simplistic", but potentially safer rules, I would stick with the other rule of just plain "not giving unsolicited advise ever".

The Participating Criteria here should be, in my opinion: approach the "guidance" with all the required subtlety and carefulness to make sure one gives only that which the other is prepared to accept and process, whatever their reasons, but never more.

Following that criteria as best as possible would be ideal.

Maddie
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Re: Long time forum problems

Post by Maddie »

peter.rabbit wrote:
Fri Jul 24, 2020 7:26 pm
but one does have to stand up to the offending party, otherwise they think they have carte blanche to "lord-it-over" you with their pseudo-authoritative presence.
Yup. And anyone that praises this behavior has helped to create the monster.

Sunflower TY for that perspective. And ditto to what Cookie said about passive aggressive behavior and playing the victim.

Lords knows I got a lot to say on the subject but I do recognize that I have a lot of personal stuff I need to get past.

And I appreciate Pandora and Spock for thinking on and highlighting possible solutions to problems.

All things considered I am beyond grateful for the information everyone has shared and the help I have been given.
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Pandora
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Re: Long time forum problems

Post by Pandora »

MrSpock wrote:
Sun Jul 26, 2020 2:24 am
However, a problem with that rule is that it operates reactively, not proactively, and it might be too late.

People in here are likely to be over sensitive, in the middle of an emotional turmoil, and if they told a hard truth, even if it is the truth, they are likely to react negatively, in which case the commenter would have to have the understanding and empathy to avoid joining the so-called drama-triangle. The history of the posts in this forum that prompted this thread clearly show that this is not how it goes.
=)) Fair enough! I agree.

I'm not sure if this fits in with the 'Participation Criteria' exactly, but some statement along the lines of 'We are all equals and, as a community, do not recognize any members as leaders. All comments are made by peers in limerence, take what you like and leave the rest.'
I'm not here to be a creep,
I'm just feeling complete.
Take me home.

L-F
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Re: Long time forum problems

Post by L-F »

Another option could be to private message someone who has said something hurtful. Kinda seems like the logical, rational, civil and mature thing to do, right?

Keeps catfights and shit storms off the forums. No need to put down them (directly or implicitly), their work or their lifestyle. That kind of behaviour seems narcissistic to me.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

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David
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Re: Long time forum problems

Post by David »

I was taught to praise in public and criticise in private. Keeping the name calling off the main forum would allow for a more harmonious environment. If this is pointed out to me, im happy to PM those involved.
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L-F
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Re: Long time forum problems

Post by L-F »

David wrote:
Sun Jul 26, 2020 6:20 am
I was taught to praise in public and criticise in private.
Good advice! I like that.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

MrSpock
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Re: Long time forum problems

Post by MrSpock »

L-F wrote:
Sun Jul 26, 2020 5:11 am
Another option could be to private message someone who has said something hurtful. Kinda seems like the logical, rational, civil and mature thing to do, right?
I definitely agree that all conflicts between members is better resolved privately, so yes, we could add the rule that

If we think someone is saying something hurtful, try to handle it privately via PMs"

MrSpock
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Re: Long time forum problems

Post by MrSpock »

David wrote:
Sun Jul 26, 2020 6:20 am
If this is pointed out to me, im happy to PM those involved.
That would be ideal.

However, I would like to ask you what is your interpretation of the sort of things that should be pointed out to you, and that you would agree requires your intervention.

That is not at all clear to most of us. In fact, I hope I'm wrong, but my understanding of your position, is that the great majority of the "problems we have" are only the result of a lack of "something" on the part having the problem, and not the actions of the ones causing it.

So, even though you just said you would be happy to get involved, I'm not quite sure you really would, effectively, in the specific instances we would need you to, because it seems to me that you see these "problems" quite differently.

But I could be wrong. In fact, I would love to.

So, let me ask you this: if you go over the most recent thread that started this, in sufficient detail, do you recognize the way "redbear" was mistreated? and do you see her valid reasons for not feeling safe here and leaving?

L-F
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Re: Long time forum problems

Post by L-F »

MrSpock wrote:
Mon Jul 27, 2020 1:00 am
L-F wrote:
Sun Jul 26, 2020 5:11 am
Another option could be to private message someone who has said something hurtful. Kinda seems like the logical, rational, civil and mature thing to do, right?
I definitely agree that all conflicts between members is better resolved privately, so yes, we could add the rule that

If we think someone is saying something hurtful, try to handle it privately via PMs"
The reason I mentioned PM is that often we perceive something as hurtful without having the bigger picture - what led them to say what they said kind of thing. We don't know what's driving their point of view. Often its pain... that pain probably stems from way back (but that will be for them to reflect upon). What I'd PM for is to ask for clarification, not to start an argument. When we have a better understanding we are more likely to have empathy for their pain even if we don't understand their POV.

Another reason I'd PM is that it's easy to have a 'gang' beside you on the forum yet it doesn't happen when you question a person one-on-one. You don't have the gang mentality. Basically it puts the shits up them having to talk for themselves without their peer support to back them.

But definitely don't PM them to start an argument. You'll end up blocked and reported =))
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

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