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[smithereens]

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[Sara]

Wow that happened to me for my LO1!
I also believe that he liked me and was genuine.
I was 17 and he was 33.. and 5 kids!
I ran away to another country because i Was too scared and didnt want to marry someone with 5 kids already. I didnt want that life for myself.
My mum knew and helped me to stop seeing him. I never regretted !!! We never crossed physical boundaries but he did admit a few times that he fell in love for me
Im very glad i left this mess its the best decision ever. I met my husband and i am happy.
I still see him once a year and we talk and are happy to see each other but the desire has gone. And i make sure to not be too close to him.
Its possible to move on and you should know that!
In fact i have another LO today , which shows that the problem of limerence is within us!! Its not romantic love you have to know that. It just reveals deeper attachment issues that you have. Goodluck!!

[Cookie]

Social media is a weapon of mass destruction. Lovesickness and romanticism is a commodity narcotic and telecommunication is the paraphernalia. I now understand that we are both similarly hurt and unwell. We are emotionally starving and want to submerge ourselves in fantasies, to hold an object in each other's hearts, to preoccupy each other as "the special one," so that we can safely justify and rationalize all of our escapist, impulsive behavior as romance and abandon the dull pain of reality.

This is one of the best things I've ever read on here. Or anywhere, for that matter.

I wish I had something to offer in return, smithereens. Yes, I've had reciprocated limerent relationships. All of them, in fact. Now I know that we are/were both looking to escape something else and it had little to do with genuine affection/caring for the other person. Although those feelings do develop over time, even subconsciously. So even though the emotions are real, the pragmatic aspect of a future together probably isn't.

We can know this truth in our minds, but it's much harder for our hearts to catch up and accept it. I hope you can find the strength to do it. No contact is really the only cure, IMO. You say it's already a "bloodbath," and it will only get worse. I am in my 50s and have been on this crazy path (off and on) since I was your age or even earlier. NC has been the only way out and I had a decade of freedom before the trigger that brought me here.

All I can say is the only way to stop the madness is to get to the root of what is causing it.

[PhoenixJB]

Yes, I've had reciprocated limerent relationships. All of them, in fact. Now I know that we are/were both looking to escape something else and it had little to do with genuine affection/caring for the other person. Although those feelings do develop over time, even subconsciously. So even though the emotions are real, the pragmatic aspect of a future together probably isn't.

This.... yup. My LO2 has turned to an EA/PA. I believe feelings are reciprocated though he won't be straight about it. Only implication, then backtracking. He is married, I am newly separated. I was chatting with a male friend last night telling him the saga, he told me straight up that he doesn't think LO's story 'passes the sniff test'. I appreciate his frank feedback. He also said he was in a similar situation, an affair with a woman, and realized he was more in love with escaping his hellish marriage issues, than with the woman he was involved with. So... pretty much what Cookie says.

My friend last night also said the heartache only gets worse the longer it goes on.

So. I'm currently got some heavy thinking to do, just like you, huh... best of luck to you...

[JupiterTaco]

He doesn't care about you. He may think he does and it's not hard to see why. Two inappropriately-attached people do not want to risk everything including the innocent lives of others for this out of love and caring. Love wants the best for other people. Limerence wants for the self. It sounds as though there might be mutual limerence. I hope this helps.

[smithereens]

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[MrSpock]

Hi Smithereens,

I'm a married man with kids, in limerence with a girl your age. So I'm across the street a situation much like yours. Unlike your case, we never had an emotional affair or anything remotely like it. In fact, we are just Taekwon-do classmates and all our relationship has been during the classes. My kids share the TKD class too, so you can imagine the superficiality of our relationship. Still, and I'm sure you'll understand this, in my mind we are really close and really good sort of friends. I should say were, not are, because about a year ago I decided that I had to stop talking to her, even looking at her, but I couldn't just do that and leave her hanging without an explanation, so I disclosed a bit (not the full extent of my feelings). She just freaked out and never ever talk to me again. I think she just completely misunderstood what I want(ed), thought maybe that I tried to start something, or whatever. And I couldn't explain myself because she asked me not to talk or text her ever again.

From what I read your situation is much much, much complicated, as you are both quite entangled and involved in an affair. I can only imagine how difficult that must be. On the other hand, you seem to have a very solid understanding of the reality and its implications, which is good. You do know how this is destructive and has to stop. You just don't know how to stop it, but you know it has to. That's a very big first step!

I'm not sure what can I tell you to make it easier for you to break out of the affair, but I'll tell you this, which might only be my own personal perspective and nothing else, but I would be surprised if it didn't apply to you two as well:

In the peak of my limerence I also thought she was the girl of my life. But, being married, I never really wanted or attempted to have anything but a platonic infatuation. But, as you would surely understand, I couldn't help to think about what it would be like if reality was different. What if I wasn't married? Not as in, what if I get a divorce... I would never do that, but what if the world just dramatically changed... like there is an Alien invasion and we are the only two standing. Of course that's just fantasizing, and makes no sense in the current world, but I would still do it.

However, in time, this is what happened: in each and every world I would imagine, worlds in which I was completely free to be with her any impediment, we still made no sense together because of the huge age difference. I do know there are couples with this age gap, but I don't think it can work. Not with a girl in the early 20s and a male in the late 40s. These are two completely different stages of life. Ever since this realization I do something like take a close look at a young couple and ask myself, would I be doing "that" at my age? Not really. At first, sure, just to be with her, but the excitement would ware off too soon.

So, what I'm trying to say is that, in my humble opinion, even if he were single, you still wouldn't have a future together. That's a sad conclusion to arrive at. It sure is in my own case, which is kind of similar to yours (well, his), but I think is true.

[JupiterTaco]

I'm just very isolated and failing at life, I guess, and this is a person who is established and seems like they want to help me. It's very alluring but so unrealistic, unattainable, that this positive relationship now has immense potential for harm and dysfunction.

I never learned boundaries or had anyone to form a healthy ego around, and nobody really wants to be the subject of all that psychological torment.

These really stood out to me. Is there a way to change these things for yourself?