DO NOT RESPOND TO NODAYDREAMING

[Acrobatica]

I have been thinking a lot about this turn of events. I always liked NDD's posts and perspective. I thought his advice of simply - not daydreaming about LO - to be overly simplistic and a little like Nancy Reagan's Just Say No campaign. The whole reason most of us are on here is because we are tormented about ruminating about LO, and just using pure willpower to stop never worked for me.

NDD never PMd me, and can I say, as a limerent lady desirous of male attention, part of me feels left out. The rational part of me, of course, finds those feelings abhorrent. And I send out hugs and support to everyone who was on the receiving side of this unwanted attention and manipulation.

I have become fully aware now that my radar is off when it comes to men. I guess this is one more piece of evidence that I am still struggling with faulty instincts.

And as for this message board, I know that when I first came on, I was in such a place of pain that I was so happy for anyone to hear my secret shame and offer advice on what to do. It took me a while to realize that everyone's perspectives were simply everyone's perspectives, and not necessarily helpful or relevant to my situation. I think these places where people who feel safe enough to openly discuss their pain, and who come because they are in extreme pain, are places that draw in predatory behavior. We are basically telegraphing to the world, though anonymously, that we are easy prey and ripe for exploitation.

Take all advice here, including my own, with the knowledge that the person delivering it may not have the right answer for you.

And please consider individual therapy!

[Idiotic]

It's true what Acro said. Ive been in a lot of pain recently, like actual physical heartache. And I was thinking , that's when I felt the most lonely.
I've never felt lonely being alone, but being in pain, and not being able to express it is so isolating, and maybe that's what people feel when they are so lonely, they are in pain. It's like being on an island.

[JupiterTaco]

Going off what Acro said, I too was not messaged privately (except when he apologized), but what was it that brought his attention to certain people and not others? We're all going through similar things, I was just curious. Also, I have no problem attracting manipulators out in the world but it's not happened to me online, probably a good thing but yeah strange. Is it because I tell my life story online? Because I could always try it in person too if it works to chase them away.

[Pandora]

NDD never PMd me, and can I say, as a limerent lady desirous of male attention, part of me feels left out. The rational part of me, of course, finds those feelings abhorrent. And I send out hugs and support to everyone who was on the receiving side of this unwanted attention and manipulation.

I have become fully aware now that my radar is off when it comes to men. I guess this is one more piece of evidence that I am still struggling with faulty instincts.

You know, it's funny. I used to think women like me, who called out the inappropriate behaviour of men, were old battleaxes who should be grateful for whatever attention they received. I was jealous that they were getting something that I was not, and especially peeved when they spurned what I thought was a gift. One of the blessings of getting into my age of battleaxery is that I don't want to be an object for men anymore. Whether they attempt to make me a sexual object, or a 'deeply damaged little girl who needs to be saved' object, I don't want to play into it anymore. I can never be equal to such a man, and he will do his best to keep me in that role he's assigned so he can feel powerful.

So I guess the question is, why did I want to give myself away to others so easily? Why was I attracted to relationships where I would be an object? Did I have such little concept of who I was that I was desperately latching onto anyone who could give me an identity? Was I trying to avoid personal responsibility for myself because I felt so out of control? Was I trying to recreate the dynamic I had with my parents? Was I searching for the parents I never had? I'm not sure. Maybe more will be revealed.

Personally, from what I've read of your posts, you've come across as a very intelligent, diligent woman of strength who has put in a lot of hard work rather than wallowing in self-pity. My best guess is that you appeared too self-assured to have been vulnerable to such tactics, and that he subconsciously sensed that.

Going off what Acro said, I too was not messaged privately (except when he apologized), but what was it that brought his attention to certain people and not others? We're all going through similar things, I was just curious.

I know for me it was a post where I specifically mentioned having issues with romantic/sexual fantasy and day dreaming, which definitely seemed to be his wheelhouse, so to speak. I also posted about being very mentally... well, not unhinged, but basically unhinged It would be interesting to know what the case was for others.

[Cookie]

I know for me it was a post where I specifically mentioned having issues with romantic/sexual fantasy and day dreaming, which definitely seemed to be his wheelhouse, so to speak. I also posted about being very mentally... well, not unhinged, but basically unhinged It would be interesting to know what the case was for others.

Oh, snap. I've certainly mentioned the sexual nature of my LO relationships. And the unhinged part probably went without saying, lol. Great detective work, Scooby Doo! And yeah, sorry to all you other gals who didn't project this magic combination.

[WishMagick]

He messaged me simply based on my looks.
I used to have my actual picture as my avatar and he messaged me pretty quickly when I uploaded it.

He kept telling me how "brave" I was for using my actual photo and that I was very "attractive" and had a "pretty young face".

This was why I didn't trust him.

[JupiterTaco]

He kept telling me how "brave" I was for using my actual photo and that I was very "attractive" and had a "pretty young face".

Ugh. Barf!

[Bluebell]

I am sorry to read this, he messaged me but nothing that crossed the line and it was left up to me to take it further.
I on the other hand have messaged a member on this forum, it was inappropriate, I am deeply sorry to have done this, there is no excuse, he didn't reciprocate. This thread has made me even more embarrassed about this.
The way he came across in his posts reminded me of my LO so much, I was desperately looking to transfer.
So there you go, I messaged another member and definitely pushed for a connection. I wasn't trying to help him, I was helping myself. I'm so sorry and actually deeply ashamed.
So I know I crossed the line, no grey area. I don't know if I was reported.
In my opinion, why have private messaging as an option, it isn't necessary? In our limerence our rational mind can be questionable.
I had pm's from another member that were weird and perhaps I shoud have reported that.

[Pandora]

I am sorry to read this, he messaged me but nothing that crossed the line and it was left up to me to take it further.
I on the other hand have messaged a member on this forum, it was inappropriate, I am deeply sorry to have done this, there is no excuse, he didn't reciprocate. This thread has made me even more embarrassed about this.
The way he came across in his posts reminded me of my LO so much, I was desperately looking to transfer.
So there you go, I messaged another member and definitely pushed for a connection. I wasn't trying to help him, I was helping myself. I'm so sorry and actually deeply ashamed.
So I know I crossed the line, no grey area. I don't know if I was reported.
In my opinion, why have private messaging as an option, it isn't necessary? In our limerence our rational mind can be questionable.
I had pm's from another member that were weird and perhaps I shoud have reported that.

It's very brave of you to admit that, and the fact that you can look back and see where you were coming from means you've come a long way. I hope you can let go of feelings of shame because ultimately they keep us bound to our destructive habits. Like everyone else in life, you made a mistake and have grown from it.

I've seen debates about shutting down the ability to PM for everyone. I'm personally not in favour of it because I think there can be great discussions that are better between two people than an entire board. There are times when I've needed to discuss things I wasn't willing to have on an open forum. But if there's anyone out there who wants to at least shut down the option to receive PMs you can:

-Click 'Private Messages' in the right hand corner
-Under 'User Control Panel' click on the 'Board Preferences' header
-Change 'Allow users to send you private messages' to no
-Click save

We could always reopen the general debate about having PMs in the first place though.

[Idiotic]

Woah,dont take away our PM's sometimes you just want to say hi to friends here, without contributing to a discussion or thread.