DO NOT RESPOND TO NODAYDREAMING

[JupiterTaco]

I had more time to think on this subject. I hope well for NDD too, I really don't know him. I was triggered by this thread and men still trigger me badly and I'm trying to work on that. But it's come to my attention lately in recent interactions with men, that there's this automatic assumption on a man's part, that a woman knows less about anything. I don't think most men mean badly by it, I think men want to help women but gosh it ticks me off anymore when it happens to me.

[Pandora]

But it's come to my attention lately in recent interactions with men, that there's this automatic assumption on a man's part, that a woman knows less about anything. I don't think most men mean badly by it, I think men want to help women but gosh it ticks me off anymore when it happens to me.

Yes!!! You know, I always just kind of assumed these people were just like that to everyone (because once in a while a woman does it to me too), but it is largely men it happens with. I never considered it might be a gender bias thing. I wonder if the guys who 'talk down' to me like that do it to other men too? It would be interesting to know.

[JupiterTaco]

But it's come to my attention lately in recent interactions with men, that there's this automatic assumption on a man's part, that a woman knows less about anything. I don't think most men mean badly by it, I think men want to help women but gosh it ticks me off anymore when it happens to me.

Yes!!! You know, I always just kind of assumed these people were just like that to everyone (because once in a while a woman does it to me too), but it is largely men it happens with. I never considered it might be a gender bias thing. I wonder if the guys who 'talk down' to me like that do it to other men too? It would be interesting to know.

Yeah there are probably people who do it to everyone too.

[David]

I’ve deleted the user-friendly J.

I have decided to keep his posts on this thread so that the women that he communicated with via p.m. can have their voices heard.

I am not going to get into any dialogue in responding to nodaydreaming / friendly J as it is just giving him further narcissistic supply. Once again please do take care with who you PM with.

[Bettyboo]

Gosh, I’ve o oh dipped into parts of this thread. I didn’t ever have any PMs with Nodaydreaming and did find his advice quite helpful.
He sounds a lot like my ex LO, keen to have close, secret “friendships” with women.
I hope every one is well. X

[ireneadler]

He sounds a lot like my ex LO, keen to have close, secret “friendships” with women.

I didn’t have any PMs from NDD either, but his advice on posts and friendliness seemed a lot like my current LO. This revelation about him is a huge wake up call to me (finally) that LO is a possible narc. My SO is a narc I am still with SO so we don’t have to split custody of the kids. I’m going to take “The Glimmer” more seriously in the future and run like hell. Why do we gravitate towards them? Why do we see the sheepskin, but not the wolf underneath? And when we do see through the mask, why is the wolf so exciting? I know. It has been a few years since I last saw my counselor and I could get healthier going back. Limerence just seems more embarrassing than other issues I have had.

[ireneadler]

It's a very interesting form of manipulation, and the only reason I can recognize it is because I've fallen prey to it a few times myself. Just speaking from my experiences, I honestly believe the men I've had this kind of relationship with don't realize what they're doing (and this goes for NDD as well). It's sort of a mutual ego jerking - the receptive partner gets their needs met by the predating partner being available, listening to them unload and being told how special they are, and the predating partner gets his ego stroked in return by feeling like he is a wise mentor, giving his hard-won wisdom to the less fortunate. The emotional intimacy (/desperation) built between the two people is like catnip for both sides.

In fact, I kind of feel badly calling people like NDD predators because often times when I was in those relationships, I would manipulate the other person in my own way. I'd tell the guy how much he meant to me, building up emotional intimacy and his own feeling of greatness, not because I truly felt that way but because I was so terrified of him possibly leaving me that I used what tricks I could to get him to stay with my codependent ass. I didn't see it like that at the time, I really felt like these were the greatest guys on earth, but my ego fluffing was coming from a place of fear and desperation rather than genuine appreciation. And that's why these relationships are so tricky - you're both getting your 'hits' from one another, and for those of us on the board in great emotional turmoil, they can seem like really positive, helpful relationships at first.

So... anyway, TL;DR: Everyone wants to love and be loved, and a lot of us don't know how to go about it in a healthy way.

Thanks, Pandora! I think you hit the nail on the head. I feel like I should get out my old codependency books. How does one find intimacy in a healthy way? Is there a cure for limerence? How does one get over a people addiction? I am so thankful for this board and all I have read and all I have learned. And thank you to David for watching out for all of us. For doing his best to create a safe space (as possible) that we can explore all this anonymously.

[Cookie]

This revelation about him is a huge wake up call to me (finally) that LO is a possible narc. My SO is a narc I am still with SO so we don’t have to split custody of the kids. I’m going to take “The Glimmer” more seriously in the future and run like hell. Why do we gravitate towards them? Why do we see the sheepskin, but not the wolf underneath? And when we do see through the mask, why is the wolf so exciting? I know. It has been a few years since I last saw my counselor and I could get healthier going back. Limerence just seems more embarrassing than other issues I have had.

I feel this 100%, Irene. Find a counselor who doesn't make you feel embarrassed about it (I actually had one "scold" me for repeating the pattern after a clean decade). Mine LOs have all been narcs to some degree, and my SO definitely has those tendencies, as pointed out by my daughter...who barely speaks to him now. Why do we gravitate towards them? Usually because it mimics the relationship with had with a parent or another significant person early on. All these narcs are my mom. A counselor can help you get to the bottom of it.

[Daydreaming]

I am surprised by this, I always saw this member as the most active in the community and on many occasions interacting a lot with other users on the most diverse topics. I didn't think he would act that way, even because other people were always very receptive to him.

A warning to community members: My username is also Daydreaming, however, I created this account well before him and I have no connection with that person. Nodaydreaming also used that username before changing it to Nodaydreaming

[Pandora]

Thanks, Pandora! I think you hit the nail on the head. I feel like I should get out my old codependency books. How does one find intimacy in a healthy way? Is there a cure for limerence? How does one get over a people addiction?

I wish I had answers. So far my journey has been a mixture of perseverance, luck, and things just happening at the right time. For example, I got really lucky with limerence this time around, as my LO was someone I had very little chance of seeing in person, and after two years of having a texting-only relationship, the limerence died down. This allowed me to be able to get more in touch with my intuition/connection to God (however you want to think of these things) for my next steps. For the last couple of days, for instance, I've been drawn to Judeo-Christian interpretations of sex, love and marriage, and now I'm having an emotional crisis about how unavailable I am spiritually, emotionally and physically in my own marriage. Which is good - I can see it, I can feel my own shame and emptiness without being consumed by it, and I can work on it from there. But 'wait for the universe to instruct you' is sort of a wishy washy thing, and I don't know if it is helpful to anyone except me.

A warning to community members: My username is also Daydreaming, however, I created this account well before him and I have no connection with that person. Nodaydreaming also used that username before changing it to Nodaydreaming

I was actually thinking about you! It's an unfortunate coincidence.