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Theory of limerence - Self-blindness/Other-blindness

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Acrobatica
Posts: 701
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Theory of limerence - Self-blindness/Other-blindness

Post by Acrobatica »

As I have taken a deep dive into healing, I am constructing my own theory for understanding limerence/narcissism/echoism/toxic relationships. I am an academic, and though psychology is not my area of expertise, I have done a lot of research and reading over the past several years to understand where the field is on these topics. I am also integrating my own experiences.

The theory, in a nutshell, is Other-Blindness and Self-Blindness. And these two types can only get along with one another in close relationships because their deficits match.

Other Blindness. Other Blindness is what we call narcissism, borderline personality disorder, and psychopathy - or Cluster B disorders. These are all different aspects of a lack of empathy. And I believe these different disorders are just a way that this underlying lack of empathy appears in different types of people and exist on a continuum. I think these labels are not actually different disorders because these diagnoses have a huge gender disparity with women being over-represented in BPD and men being over-represented in narcissism and psychopathy. And, I am starting to think of this lack of empathy as Other Blindness - they literally cannot SEE other people on an emotional level or perceive them as real people with real feelings and real lives that exist outside of their own view. It is like when you are 6 years old and you see your first-grade teacher in the grocery store and are shocked that they exist outside the classroom. In these disorders, people are stuck, emotionally, at that age (somewhere between 3 and 7). Of course, they can literally see other people as objects who move and talk in front of them. And they can intellectually perceive the cause and effect of their actions upon others. So this lack of ability to see others leads to manipulating people to get their own needs met. [I also believe that there may be a genetic component to this disorder.]

Self Blindness. Self Blindness is not technically a disorder within the DSM, but it could be viewed as an aspect of co-dependency or echoism. The reason, I believe, it is not a disorder within the DSM is because the underlying behaviors are things society views as beneficial: agreeableness, people-pleasing, forgiving, ability to accept fault. But when that it is accompanied by an inability to fully embrace and honor our own feelings of stress, anger, or pain, through disassociation or some other mechanism, we end up doing for others at the expense of ourselves. And, I am starting to think of this as Self-Blindness - they literally cannot SEE themselves as people on an emotional level or perceive themselves as real people with real feelings and real lives that exist outside of the view of others. This is being stuck in that feeling in the 7th or 8th grade of heightened shame in everything we do, but we learn from that shame and try to rid ourselves from feeling it by trying to earn love and friendship from others by doing things for them. We experience others as full human beings and have more capacity to honor their feelings and reactions than we do our own. We discount or explain away our feelings. [I don't believe there is a genetic component to this disorder, I think this disorder happens when one is raised by someone with OB.]

I believe both sides are wearing a different sort of mask. Both Other Blindness [OBs] and Self Blindness [SBs] are trying to get their needs met. OB wear a mask of manipulation, doing what they have to do in the moment, to get their needs met. SB also wear a mask of manipulation, but it is a helpful people pleasing mask, doing anything for others, trying to earn approval, and hoping that this will get their needs met.

I believe that OBs and SBs are indeed attracted to one another. For myself, I am so attracted to the unwarranted confidence and arrogance. It would feel so freeing to exist that way. I find I am also attracted to the put-downs, it is like setting the rules for a competition that I have to then win. I have read in many different places that OBs are attracted to SBs for their ability to feel and empathize, but more importantly, because they are useful and are willing to put the OBs needs first. That is a very comfortable place for an OB to be.

If the SB person is truly and fully SB, the relationship is probably working really well, and to outsiders, seems like a great relationship. I can think of examples of these relationships in my own life now that I have woken up, and they truly are pretty happy. They are also the prototypical 1950s nuclear family relationship with the husband in charge and the wife there to serve the husband. OBs, of course, can be men or women and I believe there are a lot of women who are OB, including my own mother. These OB/SB relationships can be very painful, however, if the SB person is starting to wake up to their own self, and their own unhappiness, anger, and pain, and asks the OB to see it. The OB is simply not capable. And the OB was quite comfortable with the SBs overly agreeable mask, so why would they want to change. So a relationship here is toxic. OBs refuse to acknowledge SBs humanity. SBs fight to be seen. These relationships may continue for a while or end when SB is no longer useful to OB. Another thing that may happen, however, is that SB fully understands the plight of the OB, the SB can then choose to remain in the relationship, but continue their journey of self-discovery alone, and bring their full self to their other relationships - friendships, etc. Or the SB can leave the relationship where they can pursue taking off their people-pleasing agreeable mask fully. And, just a note, experiencing relationships without that people-pleasing mask can be terrifying, uncomfortable, and feel very wrong since we are getting a lot of feedback from society that the way we participated before was great for everyone else.

Limerence. Limerence is the SB/OB NRE. SBs have the hope that the OB will meet their needs, but then as the OBs mask comes off, SBs are again confronted with the pain not being fully seen and being told their emotions and needs are too much for the OB (because any emotion or need from another is too much for an OB.) OBs, I believe, feel limerence at the beginning (over-active reward system, impulsiveness, and novelty seeking are often in these diagnoses) and if an SB is fully blind, comfort in the relationship. SBs also feel limerence, but unless they are fully blind, they are destined for shame and unhappiness. And if they are not fully blind, and they allow themselves to feel it, they have the gift of being able to wake up to this dynamic and heal.
NoDayDreaming

Re: Theory of limerence - Self-blindness/Other-blindness

Post by NoDayDreaming »

Good stuff Acro. food for thoughts. i'm thinking it's even possible to have both types of blindness in the same person. with our different colors showing up in different circumstances, or interacting with different person. just like we are capable of being good and bad depending on circumstances.

this reminds me a bit of the theory that narcissists gravitate to empaths and vice versa and both can be codependent to each other. when i understood that, it helped me to understand the unhealthy dynamics between me and my ex LO.

this is about that and he has so many more on it:

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WishMagick
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Re: Theory of limerence - Self-blindness/Other-blindness

Post by WishMagick »

I definitely see myself in both of these descriptions.
Almost pretty equally.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."
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