Been feeling like a bad person. I want to confess something, but so afraid of rejection and judgment here (even though there is so much acceptance and understanding on this forum). But I think I may have emotionally assaulted my LO. When I recently took a mean spirited and immature measure which was essentially my passive aggressive way to say FU to LO a few weeks ago, her reaction was so 'over the top' that it was as if she was defending herself from being raped. Just recently it hit me... I've been googling about emotional rape. While the majority of articles and blogs I've read, I've concluded 'no I don't think what I did was ER'... there was a minority of things I read where I think perhaps it was effectively ER that I may be guilty of.
I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. What I did to LO was completely antithetical to how I previously adored her. And it's just not who I am as a person... that's not me. But who/what have I become this year? I do know that I'm definitely PTSD/cPTSD the last 7 years... also in recent study and research, I have been identifying a bit with DPD (for sure) and BPD (wondering). Perhaps my counselors can help shed some light and identify some things. But never in my life have I had such self loathing and self hatred. After a few weeks of extreme hypervigilence and anger, I'm back to brokenness and crying/weeping spells.
I simply cannot get over her yet. Filled with such regret, such longing, such confusion, such guilt and shame, such pain and sorrow, such (insert unnamed/unidentifiable thought or feeling here)...
I am the most depressed I have ever been in my whole life. I wish more than anything i could go back in time and have not taken this ER action against LO. I don't think I have ever regretted something so hard in my whole life. I have daily crying spells (usually in the mornings)... I have taken to curling up on the couch and reading online stuff... unengaged/unavailable in some ways to SO and DD (but not altogether)... Back to not eating as much... Back to smoking and drinking... Unmotivated... Only a few weeks into ssri, so we'll see if that may help.
I have had some severe rebukes of late, and starting to see it was right and needed for me:
- A mutual friend of LO had for weeks been trying to get through to me and tell me the score, and tell me the reality that LO was 'terrified' of me. I just couldn't quite hear and see what I needed to hear and see in a timely fashion. Recently speaking with that mutual friend again - for the first time after what I hesitate to call the ER event - she said the passive aggressive action I took further 'traumatized' LO, who was already 'traumatized' See, I'm still putting quotes around terrified and traumatized. From my perspective, I had reasons and explanations behind my thoughts, feelings and actions. But I've now been able to more consider LO's perspective, and I think I get it more now, and I am feeling like the worst person on the planet some days.
- My father recently went to a place he only goes with me like once every 5-10 years, and got in my face and flexed on me - yelling at me for being so negative, negative, negative... told me I am rejecting myself... told me I have a critical spirit, and that's why I'm losing friends. So now I haven't been speaking with him for some weeks (we live a mile and apart and are HEAVILY involved doing life together, so a few weeks without talking is a big deal, in our family's culture).
- Also, my life coach has stepped up more with stern counsel, holding me accountable to not further make things worse or escalate... making sure I don't do anything else stupid... violate NC... or try to engage... or even apologize at this time.
Please be kind and gentle. Please don't judge. I already feel punished enough. I can't bear the thought that I was someone's emotional rap ist
I really hope that's not what I did. May God have mercy on my soul!
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