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S.O.S.

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Natslife
Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:24 am
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Natslife » Mon Sep 17, 2018 9:58 pm

ReeledIn wrote:
Mon Sep 17, 2018 8:40 pm

I do believe men's brains change after sex. Once they get what they want a few times...it's no longer as exciting (especially in these high intensity, secret situations).

I am surprised his wife isn't suspicious yet.

I hope he realizes that he IS actually in an affair...an emotional affair..which many wives view as worse than a physical affair. (Just ask NVTS).

If there is any way you can possibly go NC...I do believe that's the only way you can get over this....I know you probably won't. ..but I just don't see any other way. You have passed the friendship line. This is not a friendship in my book. Friendships don't include romance.
I believe the same. And in any case there is absolutely NO way I think I could honestly go through with it, unless we were both free and single. Because if he freely admits he is never going to leave, then the only reason he would be doing it would be to have his cake and eat it too, and no way am I up for that. In fact, even if we were free and single, I'm not sure I would trust him not to have some fun with me for a few months, and then get bored.

I should have added more info: WAS in an emotional affair. I ended things with him about 3 weeks ago, which was what brought me to this forum in the first place. He had another meltdown about feeling guilty and I told him to stay away from me then. Now we are purely like acquaintances. Well, I am. He keeps slipping and firing off bunches of texts to me, or calling me. When he does, I respond politely answering questions, or letting it go to voicemail. My problem and the reason I am here is because I am keeping him at arms length, whilst still not able to get him out of my head, and the constant attention-bombing followed by crickets is making me crazy. I think quite a few men have very black and white views of things and believe if they are not having sex they are not cheating. I think that is how they justify things to themselves.

I have no idea if his wife is suspicious or not. I know my husband has questioned things a few times, and even asked to see my phone. I willingly showed him and when he looked at it, there was absolutely nothing because there IS absolutely nothing. No evidence at all. There were things like him asking me for a plumber recomendation. Him telling me about his daughter's volleyball tournament (I asked him to keep me posted on how she did). Me asking to borrow a hand saw. And the odd offer of a coffee or a bike ride. The only honest convos we have had about our feelings have all been in person. Nothing ever written down. My husband knows we have hiked together many times. He knows where we are, where we are going and when I'll be back. He hates hiking so it doesn't bother him, in fact he's happier that I'm not alone. Sometimes we hike with other people in a group too.

I think you are right - NC will be the only way and I am trying to build up to that. It is too hard to go cold turkey with him, so instead I am using tricks and tips to step back. So far it is kind of working. Things are way less intense than they were. Because of our circumstances, NC is going to be virtually impossible, but LC is definitely doable.

Havb
Posts: 561
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:10 am
Saint-Martin (French part)

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Havb » Tue Sep 18, 2018 1:14 pm

Thanks for the ship image Natslife! And all best to you! @};-
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

There is always more work to be done.

ReeledIn
Posts: 591
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by ReeledIn » Wed Sep 19, 2018 6:17 am

Natslife wrote:
Mon Sep 17, 2018 9:58 pm

I believe the same. And in any case there is absolutely NO way I think I could honestly go through with it, unless we were both free and single. Because if he freely admits he is never going to leave, then the only reason he would be doing it would be to have his cake and eat it too, and no way am I up for that. In fact, even if we were free and single, I'm not sure I would trust him not to have some fun with me for a few months, and then get bored.
He sounds like a real peach. ;) So many of us here have fallen for these types.. the ones who LOOOVE you and IDEALIZE you one minute and get bored the next. Yep. My LO has gotten bored with 99.9% of his ex loves. It's why he's single now, at age 54 - not that there's anything wrong with being single at age 54... but that's the actual reason for his single-ness. He'd rather be alone than with some woman who bores him to tears.. because he can't find anyone who matches his level of superiority. (Oh and let's not forget that the "best sex he's ever had was with himself." LOL.)

Anyway, I am not saying your LO is a narc, but that's what narcs like my LO do.. they have this ideal love in their mind, and they never find it - at least not for long -because it does not exist in this universe.
Natslife wrote:
Mon Sep 17, 2018 9:58 pm
I should have added more info: WAS in an emotional affair. I ended things with him about 3 weeks ago, which was what brought me to this forum in the first place. He had another meltdown about feeling guilty and I told him to stay away from me then. Now we are purely like acquaintances. Well, I am. He keeps slipping and firing off bunches of texts to me, or calling me. When he does, I respond politely answering questions, or letting it go to voicemail. My problem and the reason I am here is because I am keeping him at arms length, whilst still not able to get him out of my head, and the constant attention-bombing followed by crickets is making me crazy.
So I am going to challenge you on this. You say you're not in an EA, yet when he stops texting you and the dopamine wanes.. you go a little nutso with yearning. You have to urge surf. I was there. I did it. I get it. I'm just saying you are still in an EA if his texts (or lack thereof) take you on that emotional roller coaster.. even if you want off the ride. I don't think you're there yet. It's too soon.

The only way off this ride is not to respond at all.
Natslife wrote:
Mon Sep 17, 2018 9:58 pm
Because of our circumstances, NC is going to be virtually impossible, but LC is definitely doable.
Sorry I don't know your story.. feel free to point me to it... do you work together? What makes it impossible?
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
LE started June 2016, PA started Dec 2016
LC began June 2017
Now reconciled with wonderful SO


For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

Natslife
Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:24 am
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Natslife » Wed Sep 19, 2018 5:58 pm

ReeledIn wrote:
Wed Sep 19, 2018 6:17 am
Sorry I don't know your story.. feel free to point me to it... do you work together? What makes it impossible?
Reeled In I'll send you a quick PM to put it all in context...

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