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Has Anyone Successfully Transitioned from Limerence to Affectionate Bonding?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
MajorProblemo
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Has Anyone Successfully Transitioned from Limerence to Affectionate Bonding?

Post by MajorProblemo » Wed Apr 18, 2018 2:04 am

Asking for a friend.

No seriously, wondering if anyone has successfully transitioned from the pure insanity of limerence to a place of affectionate bonding, i.e. deep friendship and understanding sans the hysteria of limerence?

Reflecting tonight, I think that's what I really want - the Eros of Friendship. She's so special to me, I never want to lose her from my life.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... ic-passion

Acrobatica
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Re: Has Anyone Successfully Transitioned from Limerence to Affectionate Bonding?

Post by Acrobatica » Wed Apr 18, 2018 2:45 am

Oh I so wish this was possible. It is also what I would really like to happen. Remove all my craziness from the situation, but keep the nice parts. Maybe if I can figure out a way to no longer be influenced by FUFOO, anxious attachment style, and intense need to MAKE EVERYONE LOVE ME, we could have a great working partnership, tour the world with our SOs, be celebrated and admired for our skill, artistry, and hilarious yet meaningfully life changing performances and insight into gender dynamics, ageism, and trust. Oh wait, still trying to escape into a fantasy world. But what a lovely fantasy and one that is currently not entirely untrue and that I am not yet fully ready to give up on.

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NaturalezaMuerta
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Re: Has Anyone Successfully Transitioned from Limerence to Affectionate Bonding?

Post by NaturalezaMuerta » Wed Apr 18, 2018 4:35 am

I think I have with past LO who I have been friends for decades. But what got me over them was NC for a while and then meeting my SO. So I transferred limerence from one object to the next. The funny thing is that my ex-LO probably has no idea how obsessed I was with him when I first met him. Or maybe he knows but we are way past even discussing that. :-*
They are not responding to you and you are not responding to them. *-:)

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David
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Re: Has Anyone Successfully Transitioned from Limerence to Affectionate Bonding?

Post by David » Wed Apr 18, 2018 7:18 am

I smell bullshit when the author writes "we didn't want to sleep with each other" . Interesting he also writes about how they shared similar early life wounds and then mentions soulmates. More like woundmates.

In my expereince, its hard to be friends with an LO, even more so if we are in a committed relationship elsewhere as boundaires get blurred and our erotic energy is directed elsewhere. And lets face it, most if not all of us would like to have sex with our LO's given half the chance. :((

I see limerence as an addiction, an addiction to a person. Why keep going to the pub of you are a recovering drunk? We are little different when it comes to being around our LO's. Much better to do some growing up ourselves and then the lure of the LO diminishes - we may still keep a small space in our hearts for them and not feel the overwhelming desire to need to have contact with them.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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Idiotic
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Re: Has Anyone Successfully Transitioned from Limerence to Affectionate Bonding?

Post by Idiotic » Wed Apr 18, 2018 8:04 am

Although i agree with David, i think its possible to be friends with them after they stop being an LO.
Having said that, being friends with your LO must never be your motivation. Im only saying i believe friendship is possible.
You musnt give a chance to your mind to deceive yourself with the pretext of friendship. Thats why you gotta follow NC first.
I can only speak of my experience, now that im completely over my LO.
My LE wasn't really long as some people here so maybe that's why i was able to get over her quickly.
I will follow up with her on her project which i was interested in , but ill do it when im free. ( This is also something that assures me im over her, unlike earlier there's no urgency to contact her) .
When you are able to think about your LO as any other hot woman in the world, then youll know you're in the clear :D
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

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french girl
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Re: Has Anyone Successfully Transitioned from Limerence to Affectionate Bonding?

Post by french girl » Wed Apr 18, 2018 10:46 am

David wrote:
Wed Apr 18, 2018 7:18 am
lets face it, most if not all of us would like to have sex with our LO's given half the chance.
I won't deny this.
But I don't think a lot about having sex with my LO, in fact it's very rare I think about it. Despite being physically attracted by him (voice, silhouette, body...), I'm really quite indifferent about having sex with him or not.
I can reach the peaks of limerence just by listening to him talking to me, so why even bother making love ?
I'm sure it would be disappointing and I can't even see the point.

The only time I had a dream about making love with LO was in the few months I was single again : three months after my previous SO dumped me, I had this dream where LO seemed ready to make love with me.
I was probably anxious about never being able to make love again, and was beginning to miss making love, I guess...
David wrote:
Wed Apr 18, 2018 7:18 am
its hard to be friends with an LO, even more so if we are in a committed relationship elsewhere as boundaires get blurred and our erotic energy is directed elsewhere.
When I make love with my SO, the erotic energy is never directed to my LO.
I don't think about LO while making love with my current SO, nor with the previous one.
If I think about LO while making love, it's because I'm worried about him, about something he did at work, because I'm wondering if he's coming back or not, but I don't think about LO in a sexual way.
However, the emotional cheating is total. Generally, I don't let myself be distracted by thinking to LO when making love, but it sures invades my daydreams all day long...

L-F
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Re: Has Anyone Successfully Transitioned from Limerence to Affectionate Bonding?

Post by L-F » Wed Apr 18, 2018 11:10 am

A good question to ask is "how would I feel if my SO was in this position?"

I believe it gives us a better picture of what its like having the shoe on the other foot.
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

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Re: Has Anyone Successfully Transitioned from Limerence to Affectionate Bonding?

Post by MrSpock » Wed Apr 18, 2018 3:04 pm

I think the answer is obviously 42 :)

That is, that's not really the question you want to ask.

(this is all in my humble opinion and directly off the top of my head)

Of course you could, incidentally end up friends with an LO, but each and every reason you have now for wondering this, is that you are clinging onto just about anything to fuel the hope that in one way or another you might be with her ROMANTICALLY. But the thing is that a romantic relationship and a friendship are fundamentally different. If you wanted a slice of pizza, and you couldn't have it, would you ask yourself if you could read a great book instead? of course not, even though you most certainly can read a book, simply because that's not at all what you really want in replacement of the pizza.

It's exactly the same here. If you wanted to be friends with LO, you would be friends already. But that's not really what you want, so being friends with her will not work, as is not satisfying you, just as not being with her at all doesn't.

Usually, the stuff that we put in an LE do not make a friendship, so, if the LE is gone, so do the stuff, and the result is simply nothing. Thus in many, if not most, cases, if you get over LO, then you simply don't care for LO anymore and it becomes just another stranger.

OK, it could be that some of that stuff is actual love (as opposed to desire). If that is the case, it will remain, and yes, you would be friends in the end, or any sort of non-romantic affectionate relationship. BUT, the meaning and value of that friendship is nothing at all like anything you might imagine now, and most importantly, it is not something to hope and wait for. Because love, the driving force behind real friendship, is to give not to get, and if you are entertaining this idea now is because you still need the get something and you are not really thinking on giving something instead.

Keep working on getting her off your head. Whatever happens next is going to be exactly as it needs to be, because if you are not friends in the end is simply because you never really wanted that, but then it won't worry you in the slightest. And if you are, it won't have anything to do with the way you feel now.

From my long list of LOs, I ended up being friends (for 20 years now) with only one, which means that in all honesty, I now don't truly care for any of the others, and I felt as hard and deep for them as with my current LO or that one from the past I still see.

And just in case: :)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phrases_f ... thing_(42)

Havb
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Re: Has Anyone Successfully Transitioned from Limerence to Affectionate Bonding?

Post by Havb » Wed Apr 18, 2018 3:38 pm

David wrote:
Wed Apr 18, 2018 7:18 am
And lets face it, most if not all of us would like to have sex with our LO's given half the chance. :((

- we may still keep a small space in our hearts for them
Amen to these statements with which I agree and have experienced!

A VERY small space in my heart works for me.

Also, just a Spanish language FYI, Problema is spelled with an A at the end even though it is a masculine noun. Blame the Greeks! They did that. ;)
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

MajorProblemo
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Re: Has Anyone Successfully Transitioned from Limerence to Affectionate Bonding?

Post by MajorProblemo » Wed Apr 18, 2018 3:55 pm

I thought the author was deluded too. He's suffering from Limerence, and seems clueless about it.

We're friends now, but I just wish that's all it would be. I hope for that. Sounds like the probability of that happening is low as long as we remain in contact.

And, yes, I know that's not the proper spelling in Spanish. "No Problemo" is North American English slang (look it up), and my username is a play on that. Thanks for the Spanish lesson, though.

Also, Spock, I am a big fan of Douglas Adams and have all his books. Remember, I was a nerd! But now I'm sooooo cool. LOL. No explanation needed. And you're right, of course.

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