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I hate the back and forth of this

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
JohnDeux
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Re: I hate the back and forth of this

Post by JohnDeux » Tue Apr 17, 2018 11:38 pm

marko wrote:
Mon Apr 16, 2018 7:58 pm
....Under it all was this loosing my youth connection. It drives me nuts to see things slip away. My work with seniors as they fall apart sinks in and a desperate feeling for this one chance overwhelmed. At the time, not that concious, but nothing should be overlooked as to why. I escape through LE, but the fear of a host of losses took me deeper in the escape than I thought possible.
This resonates strongly with me right now and the commonality of feeling, whether or not still immersed within an LE, is one reason I still enjoy reading these entries. Recently had to see another pet 'slip away' after a short but viciously rapid onset of bone cancer. I was pondering the feelings and self-behavior around things like this and realize part of the problem was a lack of 'shared pain' with adults to give the incident meaning. Just no shared grieving or processing in our family in the face of intimate loss and tragedy and SO is about the same way, so I "chose well". But when some of the pains of living aren't processed and became stones in shoe that can't be dislodged, escape seemed like the best and only choice under those early circumstances....only to become the primary way of living later on. If embracing birth and death is what gives life some semblance of meaning, you could say I've been camped in the opposite end of the room. That lack becomes all the more apparent when something 'slips away' in present day, out of my control.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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LisaTranscending
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Re: I hate the back and forth of this

Post by LisaTranscending » Wed Apr 18, 2018 12:44 am

hugs to you John about losing a pet. :ymhug:

it's interesting about your shared pain story, Lasting's vision of a shared social inclusion, Marko's feeling left out not sharing the age of his youthful LO.
perhaps the fantasies revolving around our LOs are really all about sharing.

we live this individual life inside our mind, talking to ourselves, living all these thoughts alone, projecting happier or gloomier future lives (whichever we have a proclivity towards at a particular moment in time).....but deep down we want to connect with others.

if there's a lack of sharing with another or others, we feel the lack, and we probably subconsciously go looking for it outside ourselves in the form of a limerence.
but being an individual is something that is highly esteemed in Western cultures. we aren't really taught to share but to fortify the individual ego over the cooperative one who shares and gives. we live in a win win culture, and the pursuit of happiness in our culture is one that glorifies the selfish and successful. it's not a society of givers and sharing. in order to be successful, much of our time is in lonely pursuits of goal oriented behaviors.

what is to share in that culture anyway? oh, hit another high in the stock market, blah blah blah happened at work...I mean, is there anything beautiful to share in a life that is mainly made up of hours of working?

when something remarkable happens, like some heartfelt loss, it seems the inability to share in that loss is hampered even by the pace of a person's existence.

hence....daydreaming. in the daydream, we can share all this stuff with our imaginary friend who will always understand and connect. (because our imaginary friend (LO) is us. now all we have to do is turn that all upside down on its head and just start sharing with others, sharing ourselves, irrespective of the feedback perhaps.

L-F
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Re: I hate the back and forth of this

Post by L-F » Wed Apr 18, 2018 8:13 pm

LisaTranscending wrote:
Wed Apr 18, 2018 12:44 am
start sharing with others, sharing ourselves, irrespective of the feedback perhaps.
Feedback could create inner chaos for some people. Not all feedback is well received. Unexpected feedback or reciprocated feelings from LO for example.
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

JupiterTaco
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Re: I hate the back and forth of this

Post by JupiterTaco » Wed Apr 18, 2018 9:16 pm

I can relate to that, Lisa and John. I haven't had a moment to rest to grieve my cat since I lost her, I've been chugging away at getting the debt of that out of my hair and I know it's had a terrible affect on my persona at present. We're not meant to work and chug our lives away at work whether grieving or not. It's not a fun way to spend your existence unless doing something you love I guess but even then...somebody's always telling you how to do it to benefit them and not you.
"How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me, you're the part of me that I don't want to see"-Forget It-Breaking Benjamin

Idiotic
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Re: I hate the back and forth of this

Post by Idiotic » Thu Apr 19, 2018 7:25 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Tue Apr 17, 2018 11:38 pm
marko wrote:
Mon Apr 16, 2018 7:58 pm
....Under it all was this loosing my youth connection. It drives me nuts to see things slip away. My work with seniors as they fall apart sinks in and a desperate feeling for this one chance overwhelmed. At the time, not that concious, but nothing should be overlooked as to why. I escape through LE, but the fear of a host of losses took me deeper in the escape than I thought possible.
This resonates strongly with me right now and the commonality of feeling, whether or not still immersed within an LE, is one reason I still enjoy reading these entries. Recently had to see another pet 'slip away' after a short but viciously rapid onset of bone cancer. I was pondering the feelings and self-behavior around things like this and realize part of the problem was a lack of 'shared pain' with adults to give the incident meaning. Just no shared grieving or processing in our family in the face of intimate loss and tragedy and SO is about the same way, so I "chose well". But when some of the pains of living aren't processed and became stones in shoe that can't be dislodged, escape seemed like the best and only choice under those early circumstances....only to become the primary way of living later on. If embracing birth and death is what gives life some semblance of meaning, you could say I've been camped in the opposite end of the room. That lack becomes all the more apparent when something 'slips away' in present day, out of my control.
Hadn't read this post before. I'm sorry about your pet JD. Ive lost a few furry companions , it's so hard each time. Take care. :ymhug: :ymhug:
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

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LisaTranscending
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Re: I hate the back and forth of this

Post by LisaTranscending » Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:26 am

Not necessarily feedback from LO .... since that is notoriously overestimated.....but giving of one's self candidly by merely being present not counting on a positive or negative reaction...but grounded in self and not unhinged by quote unquote perceived reaction... but continued sharing and connecting from a new place in the new psychic world of giving without receiving. Or hope of it. Thereby allowing an authentic exchange to arise in freedom. The opposite of what we strive for and contort the self into for acceptance to LO and others. Sharing. Sharing ourselves thereby connecting. What else would make a life more enriching....as we all do so effortlessly here.

JohnDeux
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Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: I hate the back and forth of this

Post by JohnDeux » Sat Apr 21, 2018 12:37 am

LisaTranscending wrote:
Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:26 am
Not necessarily feedback from LO .... since that is notoriously overestimated.....but giving of one's self candidly by merely being present not counting on a positive or negative reaction...but grounded in self and not unhinged by quote unquote perceived reaction... but continued sharing and connecting from a new place in the new psychic world of giving without receiving.....
I don't wish to hijack the OP's post, but now see that they may have deleted the original entries that initiated it ..?.. At any rate, just wanted to add that I wish somehow there was a better medium for sharing inner angst, frustration, and sadness in a way that was validating to the sufferer without being a snub to those who feel to be closest to that sufferer. What I mean by that is in the way my parents or even friends often *thought* they were being supportive or helpful, but really belonged to the school of "Oh....just let it go, *you're* going to be alright...."...thereby leaving the inner feeling 'unshared' and the degree of injury unappreciated. Let me also illustrate a somewhat reverse situation of this. My mother is one of those types who finds any and every excuse from the local obituaries to attend funerals,....and the effuse over the phone about how sad this funeral was or how well known the deceased was or what a pillar of the community they were and "...I just don't know how that family is going to get by without (the deceased) around to provide!...." (holds back of hand to forehead). .... You get the idea. So in this case, my mother is trying to solicit a shared sense of grief.....but my sibs and I are all "WTF???". All of these funerals for people we didn't even know (and people she only knew through the local scuttle-butt). In a case like this, the attempt at sharing "feels cray-cray"---and maybe that is partially was L-F was referring to. It just seems like it could be better if feelings of grief/frustration could find a co-sharer with whomever is the best to help alleviate the suffering and not have the situation end up hurting parents, relatives, other friends who feel **they** should rightfully be the ones leaned on -AND- be the best to provide that comfort. Perhaps this is what you meant LisaT with "not unhinged by "perceived" reaction"...?
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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LisaTranscending
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Re: I hate the back and forth of this

Post by LisaTranscending » Sat Apr 21, 2018 3:53 pm

If we anticipate anything....it already alters a genuine exchange....if we need something to happen as a direct consequence of our inner perceived ideal....and what is actually transpiring.. anything that conflicts with such...creates anxiety. Feedback that resonates and heals will be organic and unforced..not sorely needed or wanted. Allowing. Which will start in a mind.body.soul of one who is capable of self soothing. Once that path.. from inner work..has begun...we anticipate nothing. We give...share. And allow

Matty5000
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Re: I hate the back and forth of this

Post by Matty5000 » Sat Apr 21, 2018 4:58 pm

LisaTranscending wrote:
Sat Apr 21, 2018 3:53 pm
If we anticipate anything....it already alters a genuine exchange....
I can't remember a time where I didn't Anticipate every possible scenario in my head. I would make a game of it. But old habits die hard. Its clear now that me doing that was a huge factor in falling limerent. I've had more conversations in my head now with my LO than I've had actual conversations!! :)) =)) and we had many
Other people make excellent mirrors.
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