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How do I know I'm no longer limerent?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Pudding
Posts: 608
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

How do I know I'm no longer limerent?

Post by Pudding » Fri Apr 13, 2018 3:25 am

One week ago was the first time I saw LO after nine months of NC. I felt nervous and very anxious about seeing him, but more worried about "testing" my reaction and seeing if i could "pass" then about actually being around him, if that makes sense? It was anxiety about my anxiety I guess.

Anyway, I was nervous as hell that day, until I finally saw him from afar. That was better, not having to talk to him right away. It wasn't so hard on me. I spoke to him a few times later in the day. The first time I felt a bit rattled but after that it was okay. It was mostly the anticipation that had me wound up.

The next day I did something stupid. I put myself in a place where I knew I was likely to see him. I think I did and it made me happy for a split second but then I was so angry at myself. I had let that little limerent voice back in. I was tempted to do the same a few more times but resisted relatively easily. Over the last week, no real replaying of our conversations and no fantasizing. No being sad that we aren't together.

I saw him again today. Not as nervous as last week. We talked a few times and it was totally fine. No heart hammering the way it used to. No feeling as if I just want to be beside him all the time. No crying when I come home, knowing I won't see him again for another week.

But am I recovered? Am I not limerent anymore? How do I know for sure? I still find him very attractive. Surprising, since I saw some photos of him during our NC and didn't feel attracted to him at all, but maybe in person there is more of a reaction? It wasn't as strong an attraction as it was a year ago, when I could feel it throughout my body, but it's still somewhat there. I don't feel the magnetic pull to him, to seek him out, the way I used to, but when I do happen to be around him, I love it. He just makes me feel so good, so happy. I love talking to him..

So is this normal? Is this how it may feel to be recovered but still have LC with your LO? The way I feel about him now, when I think of him or when I'm around him, is similar to that of a special ex. The kind you have fond memories of, who you hold a special place for, even though you know it ended for a good reason. I'm really hoping this makes sense.

I always thought, in the height of my LE, that if I could be done with the replaying and fantasizing, the thinking of him 95% of the day, the crying over not being with him, I would be thrilled. I'm there. I also figured I may always feel a little flutter, a little sigh when I thought about him or was near him, after all the time I've spent thinking about him and all that I've been through about him (even if it wasn't actually ABOUT HIM). So, maybe my feelings are okay?

I don't know what I'm looking for. Confirmation that what I'm feeling is normal, I suppose, and that I can relax a little. That this nightmare may finally, finally be ending.
F 37
LO is M 34, my son’s teacher

Acrobatica
Posts: 116
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: How do I know I'm no longer limerent?

Post by Acrobatica » Fri Apr 13, 2018 3:40 am

I think this shows progress. The part of limerence that I find intolerable is the constant distracting thoughts. I still run into a former LO now and again, and I have had people remark to me that the tension between us is palpable and the conversation we have is bizarre. I don't think I will ever be able to be completely normal around him. But I don't really think about him much anymore, and when I do it is mostly about how he could have had such a hold over me for such a long time. I don't think the test for limerence is, can you be around the LO and authentically behave around them as you would anyone else. I think the test is, can you be with yourself and your own thoughts and not be distracted by thoughts of LO.

AMA210
Posts: 1836
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: How do I know I'm no longer limerent?

Post by AMA210 » Fri Apr 13, 2018 11:53 am

Hard to believe it was 9 months of NC--nearly a year. It's apparent that you learned so much throughout this time.

I have asked myself the same question as you -- when will I know the limerence is gone? For me, I think the obsessive thoughts, impulsive and compulsive thoughts and actions began to fade in late October. The few times I saw him between then and now produced no high. Maybe part of that was that I didn't allow myself to get high because I couldn't rely on seeing him regularly and I knew that it would eventually end with me crying about it for a week.

In our last interaction, I felt contentment and that he is a person who is not perfect and has the same struggles as everyone else. I would not have been able to handle any reciprocation during LE, even though it seemed to be quite apparent at times.

As of now, I don't need him to live and although I do still think about him, I have learned to go with the flow. LE can seem like a nightmare, but focusing on everything that was learned about yourself is at the heart of limerence. For me, there are many, but a lesson that continued to repeat itself was letting go and giving up control over LO and his actions and thoughts.

Not sure if you tried meditation, but it has helped me a lot to calm my mind. It takes away the anxiety and stress. The app I use is Insight Timer and has tons of options. I also use self-talk a lot, as it helps to verbalize your thoughts for clarity.

I don't think we can really "forget" LO, mainly because they had such an impact on our life. I have looked at how I was 2 years ago before meeting him, and how I am now. Big difference.

Take care. :ymhug:
52 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months

"Always moving forward"

LostAgain
Posts: 231
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:17 am
Great Britain

Re: How do I know I'm no longer limerent?

Post by LostAgain » Fri Apr 13, 2018 11:20 pm

Interesting as I reckon it was just about nine months of virtually NC.
She wanted to see me and that was difficult as I knew it was just to remind herself she had me hooked.
I have seen her a few times in the last couple of months and in fairness I would still like to fuse with her in some imagined perfect bliss.
The good bit is that I know how flawed she is,how bad we would be together and that I don't obsess 95% of the day any longer.
I feel immense fondness for her.I can see why I fell so hard.I think she is a 'wound-mate' and it upsets me to know she is struggling.
But....I believe I am free of the sheer craziness of the LE at its height when I was just so obsessed ALL THE TIME.
Life is a little less intense but under some sort of control.
Keep it up all of you.It is such a tough lesson. :ymhug: :ymhug:

Pudding
Posts: 608
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: How do I know I'm no longer limerent?

Post by Pudding » Sun Apr 15, 2018 9:46 pm

Acrobatica wrote:
Fri Apr 13, 2018 3:40 am
I don't think I will ever be able to be completely normal around him. But I don't really think about him much anymore, and when I do it is mostly about how he could have had such a hold over me for such a long time. I don't think the test for limerence is, can you be around the LO and authentically behave around them as you would anyone else. I think the test is, can you be with yourself and your own thoughts and not be distracted by thoughts of LO.
Thanks. I agree with this. As AMA said, I don't think I'll ever be able to be completely normal around or think nothing of someone who has had such an effect on my life. Even if it isn't about our LOs, they are a catalyst and I can't see regarding them the same as some other random unimportant person. I'm okay with that as long as the intrusive thoughts and fantasies aren't back. This weekend I have definitely thought about him more than I was during the NC but still no fantasies and replaying. More just trying to figure out if I'm really "healed" and just trying to navigate this new normal of LC versus NC, wrap my mind around that, or if I'm not actually recovered but trying to tell myself I am. In my heart of hearts I feel it is the former, and that the more interactions I go through with him, the more I will be reassured of that as my anxiety will hopefully decrease and my feelings of (what to call them? Not love or lust but...warmth? Affection?) toward him level off a bit. I think the last week and a bit have just held so much anticipation and nervousness that my body needs time to recalibrate and readjust.

And come summer we will have a few months of NC again, and if he comes back to our school in the fall, very very LC as I will be busy with my own schooling in another location come fall. Unless he teaches my younger child next year (possible but not sure how likely just yet), contact will be almost nada as I won't be in the school helping out. I feel better about that than I thought I would, and hope I can maintain that feeling in two months when it's the last day of school before break. Last summer I started as a wreck and that was before I knew he'd actually be gone for nine months. I feel this summer should be much better.

Please keep the opinions and experiences coming, and I will update again soon.
F 37
LO is M 34, my son’s teacher

Pudding
Posts: 608
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: How do I know I'm no longer limerent?

Post by Pudding » Fri Apr 20, 2018 4:17 am

Argh. Today was tough. I had hoped it would get easier every week/every time I see him but today was not great. Tonight I feel sad and frustrated.

I had a lot more interaction with him today because my son, who is in his class, had an issue, so he asked me to discuss that with him. Even though we were discussing something legitimate, we were one on one, eye contact and close together, and that seems to have gotten me a little amped up. Those little flutters of attraction felt stronger. He also purposely followed me into a room to make a joke and make me laugh which I wish he hadn't. He knew I was in there, it wasn't a coincidence. And that's fine, because he is a funny and friendly guy and he likes to joke. I know it's MY problem but it just set the day off on the "wrong foot" for me by him giving me attention.

I'm just frustrated that I can't kick this last little bit. I don't know why. I knew it would be hard. I knew I may regress a bit. But I guess I am expecting too much and I need to be easier on myself. My LO for two years was gone for nine months and now he's back. Of course I'm not going to have no reaction or "loving" friends towards him. But I kind of hoped I wouldn't.

Okay. On we go. Keep fighting the good fight!
F 37
LO is M 34, my son’s teacher

L-F
Posts: 1258
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: How do I know I'm no longer limerent?

Post by L-F » Fri Apr 20, 2018 5:31 am

What does your therapist say to do in this situation?
Just breathe...

Idiotic
Posts: 1079
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: How do I know I'm no longer limerent?

Post by Idiotic » Fri Apr 20, 2018 8:32 am

Pudding wrote:
Fri Apr 20, 2018 4:17 am
fighting the good fight!
Did you ever watch The Good fight? Spin off from the Good wife... Sorry i just felt like being totally random.
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

Pudding
Posts: 608
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: How do I know I'm no longer limerent?

Post by Pudding » Thu Apr 26, 2018 3:37 am

[quote=Idiotic post_id=42680 time=1524209562 user_id=1366]
[quote=Pudding post_id=42665 time=1524194279 user_id=928]
fighting the good fight!
[/quote]

Did you ever watch The Good fight? Spin off from the Good wife... Sorry i just felt like being totally random.
[/quote]

I am watching and it's one of my favourite shows! I want to be Christine Baranski when I grow up.

So I saw him Monday and I think I've determind the problem. Well, in part.

I explained to my therapist today how when I've been around him lately I don't feel nervous and anxious. I'm happy and too happy, actually, but I'll take that over the nerves and anxiousness. But then later in the evening once I'm gone, I feel the sadness and can't stop thinking about it. And the longing for him is coming back. Not when I'm with him. Then it's just happy, and enjoying his company and chatter. But later, its the yearning feelings. Not as much as a year ago, but they're there.

She thinks it's an adrenaline dump. That I've worked hard enough to overcome the anxiety when I'm around him but because he's recently back, and I'm still adjusting to that, there's an adrenaline race still inside when he's around (hence the immense happiness), and then later it's like releasing a deep inhale I've been holding in. And then the tears come, and the not-so-good feelings. It's letting everything out.

I know I'm still doing a lot better than I was a year ago. I'm trying to focus on that, and she keeps repeating that I need to remember the progress I've made.

I am just finding with every interaction, I am reminded how much I like him. Not just limerence like, but truly like. The way I like a lot of the teachers there. But the difference is, we can never be friends the way I am with some of the others. Some of the other teachers I've hung out with socially outside of school, drinks or dinner, etc. And because he's male, and because of the limerence, I can never be friends with him the way I'd like to. And I think that just makes me want it more. And I guess I'm a petulant child who can't get what she wants!

We had some good chats the other day, joking around, he came and asked if he could grab me a coffee. I wish him doing that were as inconsequential to me as anyone else asking. Maybe it will get to that point over the next two months. Maybe not. Maybe I'll always have a soft spot for him. I guess I can't really say until we are into the fall when I am not at the school much, and at some point during some event at the school during the year, I eventually will. Trying not to think that far ahead right now.
F 37
LO is M 34, my son’s teacher

Idiotic
Posts: 1079
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: How do I know I'm no longer limerent?

Post by Idiotic » Thu Apr 26, 2018 11:37 am

Pudding wrote:
Thu Apr 26, 2018 3:37 am
I am watching and it's one of my favourite shows! I want to be Christine Baranski when I grow up.
Yeah shes hot! Though i didn't like what they gave her for second season , didn't give her any material to work with.
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

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