Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

Why Her? Why Now?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
MajorProblemo
Posts: 39
Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2018 11:45 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Why Her? Why Now?

Post by MajorProblemo » Wed Apr 11, 2018 12:02 am

Interesting. I think beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You like what you like, I guess. And it is biologically driven. Probably all of this is, right? Limerence is a consequence of a moral code that doesn't really jive with our DNA. Maybe my law partners with multiple mistresses are on to something!

I don't want to sound conceited or anything, but I know I'm attractive. Women hit on me constantly. I'm tall, with a great job, and I have money. I think I have a good personality! I think I'm pretty smart (objectively). This is the first time I've ever said this out loud, but I think I married down when I married my wife. God, I feel like such a shithead saying that. I'm not sure why I went through with the marriage. I almost backed out. I think I went through with it mainly because I made a promise to her, and didn't want to hurt her. She is a great person and she loves me, despite all my flaws. This is going to sound horrible, but my attraction to her was always kind of so-so. But it felt right at the time, because for the very first time, I wasn't insane over a girl. I was never jealous or preoccupied because I was kind of indifferent towards her. This felt stable to me, and allowed me to focus on my studies and grueling hours as a young lawyer.

So now I'm in my mid-40s and here comes the girl I would love to call my wife. She should have been my wife. Sitting with her at a restaurant last year, and people randomly came up to us and made comments about "what a beautiful couple" we are and that we "look so in love!" Talk about embarrassing! But it's true - unsolicited comments! I had to suppress my rage, and sadness.

God, this is the worst. Fucking torture.
Last edited by MajorProblemo on Sat Jun 09, 2018 5:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.

MajorProblemo
Posts: 39
Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2018 11:45 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Why Her? Why Now?

Post by MajorProblemo » Wed Apr 11, 2018 12:24 am

LisaTranscending wrote:
Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:29 pm
MajorProblemo wrote:
Tue Apr 10, 2018 1:20 pm
Am I learning to love myself by loving her?
ahhh....best question yet MajorProblemo.

Spinnaker...just loved that robbery/luggage analogy sooooooooooooooo much. so true. (of course I love analogies more than life itself) and I can't take total credit for the pointing the moon thing...it's Gautama Buddha...but I just applied it to limerence.

and I suppose whatever we think the reason is for a particular person, the good looks, the shared wounds, the millions of stories we paint in our imaginations and ruminate on while we blink hopelessly vulnerable at the beauty that is our LO....it still doesn't matter.

because the luggage is going to show up with some stuff that you forgot all about. (and some stuff you never had)
so opening that suitcase is really reinventing yourself.

there are people with cancer who miraculously spontaneously heal themselves. from cancer!
how can a person reinvent their protein uptakes and become healthy? how can our hearts pump two gallons of blood a minute...how does the heart do this? (probably 2 and half gallons when LO walks into a room) in our lifetime our heart will beat 2.5 billion times (probably 2.9 billion if you were limerent for more than 3 years).

so the body can do all this amazing stuff....while we watch Family Guy. it's a miracle that we aren't even aware of.

sometimes you have to hit rock bottom about your life and it's meaning....to even know that you need reinventing.

any addiction is really just unhappiness manifesting in some kind of attempt at gaining happiness some other way.

so MP that question you pose is the best question yet....and one that needs contemplation.

I don't believe we can love anyone outside of ourselves if we don't love ourselves in earnest. (that includes our kids, husbands, wives, friends, parents....etc). and think about this "loving her". you have fallen in love with a woman who lights up a room and every man in there wants to "tap into" (ahem) that kind of love. you haven't fallen in love with someone down at the Salvation Army handing out blankets to the homeless. you have fallen in love with some image that you think is love, a modern, beautiful and successful woman who seems to have it all. and you have fallen in love with this paragon of perfection in the hope that she loves you back. (there's nothing that stings more than the rejection of an LO).
so...this is not love. you are not loving her. you are loving the outside things about her anyway. (and if someone's ideal man or woman is a selfless and self-sacrificing soul of a person....BAM! that will hit you just as hard as any other image of the perfect ideal)

and either way, if they love you back, or reject you...is irrelevant. if we can't love ourselves enough to know that we are just as beautiful as these images and perfect ideas we have about others....we can't love. that would mean the rejection or the embrace would be equally accepted by us, because we love ourselves enough to give ourselves and others the freedom to love us in healthy and free ways. without that freedom to love, allowing it for ourselves, and granting it to others, it's just control and a bunch of other messed up insecurities playing out. love is so vast and compassionate (and yes...even romantic love when done right)

but...you are on the road to love. and you are on the road to self-transformation and reinvention. but...you have to get bumped and bruised along the way to know what it is that the universe is really crying out for you.....or stay stuck in the paradigms that have led you to yearn for true love (remember...true love...that sincere and pure form that starts right in your busy heart pumping all those billions of gallons).

it's a wake up call. but if the needle stays stuck on the beauty aspects of what attracts us like bees to honey to an LO....we will miss the moon again.


edit: honey is just bee saliva in the end. how's that for breaking up an archetype!
I guess what I meant is that by seeing myself in her, even her negative qualities and inner pain, I'm figuring out that I'm still lovable and desirable. That I should be kinder to myself. I'm very critical of everything and everyone, but I am my own worst critic. Does that make any sense? She's helped me find inner confidence, which I had beaten out of myself after years of disappointment. She's made me feel alive again.

To know I need to give that up.....it's like knowing when you're going to die.

MrSpock
Posts: 547
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: Why Her? Why Now?

Post by MrSpock » Wed Apr 11, 2018 12:57 am

MajorProblemo wrote:
Wed Apr 11, 2018 12:02 am
... This is the first time I've ever said this out loud, but I think I married down when I married my wife. God, I feel like such a shithead saying that. I'm not sure why I went through with the marriage. I almost backed out. I think I went through with it mainly because I made a promise to her, and didn't want to hurt her. She is a great person and she loves me, despite all my flaws. This is going to sound horrible, but my attraction to her was always kind of so-so. But it felt right at the time, because for the very first time, I wasn't insane over a girl. I was never jealous or preoccupied because I was kind of indifferent towards her. This felt stable to me, and allowed me to focus on my studies and grueling hours as a young lawyer.

So now I'm in my mid-40s and here comes the girl I would love to call my wife. She should have been my wife.
...
Wait... why do I read myself writing about my own story under a different username? :-\

LOL

That is very very precisely the exact same thing that happens to me.

Well, minus the part of being so good looking... I was just delusional and always aimed for the sky. I think I settled for her when I realized that.
Or maybe not, don't really know.

The think is that I was never in love with DW, never felt anything remotely similar to how I always felt about LOs before.
So is clear to me why I want LO instead. Just as it is clear that is not gonna happen. I've chosen my wife, I promised to choose her each and every day after that, and that's what I will do. OK, well, actually, I spent most of our 19 years regretting it and just waiting for the kids to grow up so I can split, but that was because of all our fights and such. But eventually, that was in the past, and these days I do really chose her (which shows that limerence really is a godsend... if this happened a few years ago I would be here telling you that I f*d up so so bad)

Then what? What I'm doing is figuring out the true, superficial nature of infatuation, how the connection and relationship I have with DW is the right thing, that for instance, I can go on a business trip for days as I have to without bleeding out until I see her again. This is the way really is supposed to be.

And with none of that meaning that we can't enjoy romance and intimacy. I'm slowly learning that this is possible even without the impossibly intense thrill of being in love (the way I am in love at least). In fact, starting next week we're having a night out just the two of us.

User avatar
Spinnaker
Posts: 1810
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am
Gender:
Contact:
United States of America

Re: Why Her? Why Now?

Post by Spinnaker » Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:07 am

"Anything to do With Your LO" is the ideal place to talk about how amazing your LO is and what a great catch you would be, MajorP

User avatar
LisaTranscending
Posts: 850
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:48 pm

Re: Why Her? Why Now?

Post by LisaTranscending » Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:28 am

MajorProblemo wrote:
Wed Apr 11, 2018 12:24 am
I'm figuring out that I'm still lovable and desirable. That I should be kinder to myself. I'm very critical of everything and everyone, but I am my own worst critic. Does that make any sense?
did you just forget to be kind and forgiving from life and being busy? or do you need to reinvent yourself?

you can't reinvent yourself or resurrect yourself via another human person. this is self work. you don't get off accomplishing your life's work that easy.

LO's can bring out wonderful qualities (and patience) in us. but then again....we aren't living with them, and not seeing them every waking moment, so we get to miss them and anticipate seeing them. very different than a marriage. no comparison. first thing Limerents need to do is never compare their LO to their current partner if they have one. THAT should be rule 1 in every LE rule book. in fact, stop comparing period. you to other people, and other people to other people. it's this comparing that makes many people think they married the wrong person. believe me...live with anyone...and your comparisons will probably fall into the same place after two months...this person doesn't live up to your imagined standard. comparing is a total waste of time. you are with the person you are with..not the person you are comparing them to. or some fantasy imagined perfect friend or lover. and don't think what you see is what you get....because you can see a lot of stuff that isn't even true about a person.

being critical of everyone and everything needs to change, and of course it starts with your own inner critic. so then you won't feel that need to ride everyone when you stop riding yourself.

under all this oh my god love story and crazy feelings you feel ....is an under story that you need to get to the bottom of. LO is merely the catalyst to getting at that story.

the crazy way you feel around an LO is unique and only an LO can make those feelings bubble up like that in their vicinity...so yes...it's crazy chemistry, and it's most probably mutual at some level. but because it's so overwhelming, it's all we can think about and long for. it just takes up so much of our mental space, because the kick is just too good.

it really is next to impossible to have a rational interchange with a person in the throes of limerence. (i don't know how my therapist didn't just throw something at me and scream at the top of her lungs, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THIS GUY") she is probably going to heaven for that.


but...you are at the tippy top of this wave. I like writing it out about limerence to people when they are there. I almost vicariously feel the hang ten of that ride. but one thing is for sure....that wave comes crashing down and you get a mouth full of sea water and maybe your board hitting your head.

MajorProblemo
Posts: 39
Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2018 11:45 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Why Her? Why Now?

Post by MajorProblemo » Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:51 am

MrSpock wrote:
Wed Apr 11, 2018 12:57 am
MajorProblemo wrote:
Wed Apr 11, 2018 12:02 am
... This is the first time I've ever said this out loud, but I think I married down when I married my wife. God, I feel like such a shithead saying that. I'm not sure why I went through with the marriage. I almost backed out. I think I went through with it mainly because I made a promise to her, and didn't want to hurt her. She is a great person and she loves me, despite all my flaws. This is going to sound horrible, but my attraction to her was always kind of so-so. But it felt right at the time, because for the very first time, I wasn't insane over a girl. I was never jealous or preoccupied because I was kind of indifferent towards her. This felt stable to me, and allowed me to focus on my studies and grueling hours as a young lawyer.

So now I'm in my mid-40s and here comes the girl I would love to call my wife. She should have been my wife.
...
Wait... why do I read myself writing about my own story under a different username? :-\

LOL

That is very very precisely the exact same thing that happens to me.

Well, minus the part of being so good looking... I was just delusional and always aimed for the sky. I think I settled for her when I realized that.
Or maybe not, don't really know.

The think is that I was never in love with DW, never felt anything remotely similar to how I always felt about LOs before.
So is clear to me why I want LO instead. Just as it is clear that is not gonna happen. I've chosen my wife, I promised to choose her each and every day after that, and that's what I will do. OK, well, actually, I spent most of our 19 years regretting it and just waiting for the kids to grow up so I can split, but that was because of all our fights and such. But eventually, that was in the past, and these days I do really chose her (which shows that limerence really is a godsend... if this happened a few years ago I would be here telling you that I f*d up so so bad)

Then what? What I'm doing is figuring out the true, superficial nature of infatuation, how the connection and relationship I have with DW is the right thing, that for instance, I can go on a business trip for days as I have to without bleeding out until I see her again. This is the way really is supposed to be.

And with none of that meaning that we can't enjoy romance and intimacy. I'm slowly learning that this is possible even without the impossibly intense thrill of being in love (the way I am in love at least). In fact, starting next week we're having a night out just the two of us.
Maybe I am you? From another dimension.

I know you're right. I try to imagine being married to my LO and I would lose my mind in a jealous rage if I couldn't get her on the phone, or if she was out of town with some other male lawyer. Hell, I'm like that now and we're not even in a relationship.

I think being married to her would ruin everything. I'd probably get bored of her too in 3 years....Logically, I know this is true. Then I'd be right back to square one. Only lives would be destroyed. Trust me, I get it.

I read somewhere that sometimes you meet someone and it's not meant to be anything other than a very intense affair - that we are biologically programmed to seek this kind of thing out. Mate poaching or something. A good mesh of the genes, but bad chances of relationship survival......I feel like that's what this is.

Mr. Spock, maybe you're not giving yourself enough credit. I didn't think I was that great either until she showed me interest (then weirdly so did a bunch of other women. It's like I caught a disease).

MajorProblemo
Posts: 39
Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2018 11:45 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Why Her? Why Now?

Post by MajorProblemo » Wed Apr 11, 2018 2:04 am

Spinnaker wrote:
Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:07 am
"Anything to do With Your LO" is the ideal place to talk about how amazing your LO is and what a great catch you would be, MajorP
I'm not sure I follow, since the prior comments had to do with perceptions of male and female beauty, and a little bit of the psychology of why I think I am prone to limerence (right or wrong). You don't think that feeling you married someone who's not your ideal match is germane to the discussion? I thought the point was to be honest here. But I guess the same can be said for your comment - it reveals a lot of honesty from you.

User avatar
Spinnaker
Posts: 1810
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am
Gender:
Contact:
United States of America

Re: Why Her? Why Now?

Post by Spinnaker » Wed Apr 11, 2018 2:37 am

NVM MajorP I'm the one with the major problemo! =)) I was hoping we could cure you overnight!
I apologize.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Wed Apr 11, 2018 6:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

L-F
Posts: 1831
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Why Her? Why Now?

Post by L-F » Wed Apr 11, 2018 6:15 am

MajorProblemo wrote:
Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:51 am
I know you're right. I try to imagine being married to my LO and I would lose my mind in a jealous rage if I couldn't get her on the phone, or if she was out of town with some other male lawyer. Hell, I'm like that now and we're not even in a relationship.
This is your problemo. Your jealous side. She may have entered your life in order to expose this shadow so you can clean it up? No relationship can tolerate an extremely jealous partner. Its not flattering at all. And no, it is not biological, otherwise you'd be attracted to ANY healthy uterus. Or a 20 year old.
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

MrSpock
Posts: 547
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: Why Her? Why Now?

Post by MrSpock » Wed Apr 11, 2018 5:33 pm

MajorProblemo wrote:
Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:51 am
I think being married to her would ruin everything. I'd probably get bored of her too in 3 years....Logically, I know this is true. Then I'd be right back to square one. Only lives would be destroyed. Trust me, I get it.

I read somewhere that sometimes you meet someone and it's not meant to be anything other than a very intense affair - that we are biologically programmed to seek this kind of thing out. Mate poaching or something. A good mesh of the genes, but bad chances of relationship survival......I feel like that's what this is.
My first girlfriend ever was an LO. I was 18 or 19, she was 16 or 17 (too lazy to recall properly)
11 months later she dumped me, saying that she really loved me, but she couldn't take it anymore being with me for I was suffocating her, like a fly (her actual words). She couldn't raise her hand without me jumping to see if she needed me try recalculate gravity so the arm weighted less. I was way too intense. Really couldn't do anything without her, and when I was with her, I couldn't take my full attention off of her.
Naturally, at first she was in a dreamland, who doesn't want that kind of dedication? we wrote each other love letters like every other day, and we even engaged (right, that was silly, I know) like 3 months after started dating. But the truth is that is awesome for a little while, but then becomes a real pain in the butt.

So according to my first hand experience, Tennov is right and is next to impossible to have a proper relationship being limerent. Eventually I could see that what I was putting in was not healthy for either of us. It's sad because she actually really did love me, to the point that she regretted dumping me, and for 5 years she would periodically reach out and try to get me back. I always refused because my heart was shuttered.

MajorProblemo wrote:
Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:51 am
Mr. Spock, maybe you're not giving yourself enough credit. I didn't think I was that great either until she showed me interest (then weirdly so did a bunch of other women. It's like I caught a disease).
I sort of know, but only when I really look at my actual history and count the cases. The feeling that girls don't like me is like imprinted, I have to manually remember is not true. And it was like that from way before I got dumped the first time.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Cookie and 13 guests