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Well I fucked up

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Havb
Posts: 430
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:10 am

Re: Well I fucked up

Post by Havb » Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:05 pm

@Lisa, thanks so much for your input. I agree that losing your cool is decidedly not cool.

As an FYI, I really don’t regret speaking to my father the way I did. He is an impossible person and in my view deserves the disrespect he received from me. He cannot listen, he always has to have the correct opinion and approach. I think part of this is due to his profession (physician), which is infected by many arrogant people used to having people follow their orders. No offense to any non arrogant physicians on this forum. I can honestly say he needs to be slapped across the face. He has not received enough negative feedback. Also, just because you have the restraint to not lose your shit doesn’t mean you know how to respect another.

Projection of my own shadow? Maybe. But I almost hate the man.

My mother is also a physician but control rather than arrogance is more her game. I am fucking sick of both of them.

Maybe I am ducking sick of me, too. I just know that things are VERY challenging at the moment for our older daughter , and it is exhausting. I need support,not a grilling or a questiOning of my intended decisions with respect to her care. While my parents have a right to want to know why they are being asked for money, it is my right to limit and be in charge of the information I provide about those needs. It is for a special school tuition—what more info do you need? If you don’t agree with the decision to want to send her there, just say no. But spare me the interrogation and accusation that I don’t share enough detail about my child’s behavior. Again, I am in charge of what I share. If they prefer to withhold money because they are not getting the detail they want, fine.

All that to say, I think there is a right and wrong here. There is a respect of someone’s request and need, or there is not. While I lost my shit and could have definitely said that without a tantrum, there is a fundamental “right” here, from our point of view.

Oh, and I appreciate the compliment. However, I don’t need to feel like an incredible mom. One who doesn’t fuck up her kids will suffice. Not that I feel like I’m reaching that goal, either. But I would like to give myself another chance to try.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

JohnDeux
Posts: 1782
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Well I fucked up

Post by JohnDeux » Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:23 pm

Havb wrote:
Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:05 pm
I think part of this is due to his profession (physician), which is infected by many arrogant people used to having people follow their orders.
Since this strikes a nerve, I will take it one step futher. As mine were, your parents are "health care professionals". Where exactly is the concern about patient care when they are considering the emotional health of their family? My parents would have been all over getting us the right medical care for broken limbs and the like, but it's like a healthy soul and mind were not a part of the equation. Although it's bitter sweet, I still somewhat pride myself on having accepted as little money from them after leaving off for college as possible (scholarships allowed me to pay $1.00.....that's right,...one measely, crumpled up dollar bill that I pushed each semester through the cashier's slot at the bursar's office). Needless to say medicine was NOT going to be my destiny. I can understand your parents wanting to know what the money will be used for, but agree that at some point some clarification needs to be made either of "If you need to ask, I don't want the money..." or "For a special school...and I want no other judgement on the matter...". But it seems altogether like these discussions between you and them are finally coming ot as needed....
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Havb
Posts: 430
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:10 am

Re: Well I fucked up

Post by Havb » Sun Apr 08, 2018 6:06 pm

@JDeux, yep I definitely relate to and experienced the prioritizing of physical health to the detriment of emotional, behavioral, and mental health.

Upon further reflection, I believe the piece I have missed so far is that “they are they, and I am I.” They are not required to meet my expectations and needs. I suppose my tantrum was a result of intuiting that they were indeed NOT going to meet those needs (even though they hid that with their relentless questioning and judgments, instead of just saying no straight out).

How embarrassing, quite frankly, that I tantrumed like a toddler when they didn’t do what I wanted them to do. Maybe I also deserved to be slapped.

No matter, on to Plan B. Then C and D, if necessary. Maybe their “no” is a blessing in disguise. Maybe I want the special school to do some of the work for me so I don’t have to. Maybe it will be alright.
Last edited by Havb on Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

Idiotic
Posts: 1334
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: Well I fucked up

Post by Idiotic » Sun Apr 08, 2018 7:28 pm

Im sorry things are difficult with your parents. I can imagine how hard it must be to ask them for something. Ive been living at home for a while on and off and although my parents dont mention it much or bring it up in a way that embarrasses me, i find it extremely hard to ask for anything.
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

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Spinnaker
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Re: Well I fucked up

Post by Spinnaker » Sun Apr 08, 2018 8:04 pm

Havb~

I hope you can not be too hard on yourself over this and try to plan ahead what your boundaries are moving forward. Don't forget the drama triangle and shoot to stay on the adult side when those familiar scripts start playing out.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Havb
Posts: 430
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:10 am

Re: Well I fucked up

Post by Havb » Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:09 pm

Thank you Spinnaker :ymhug: it is always so great to meet other parents of ASD girls. It’s a different journey with girls on the spectrum. My heart goes out to you , too, and helps give me strength. Thanks again. (*)
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

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