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The most definitive article I've read on Limerence - an interview with the author

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Paul45
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon May 29, 2017 3:28 pm

Re: The most definitive article I've read on Limerence

Post by Paul45 »

I've read this blog too and it is so perceptive. I found I have all of the symptoms on the author's list apart from dreaming about LO - maybe because the waking hours are so filled with thoughts and replaying events with LO! It's particularly good on describing the darker, more intense stage of limerence which seems to kick in later on or rather it creeps up on you without you noticing and then you find yourself in full-on limerence looking for the way out.

The limerent always loses because while they are trying with all their effort at The Game, it is effortless on the limerent object's behalf.

This is so true! Text messaging with LO is exactly like this - it always end in disappointment because LO is not invested in the conversation.

It takes an incredible amount of self-control to resist this seeking out once you're in the stronger throes of limerence. Then there are the lows. The horrible thing is, the limerent knows that if they are going through a high, then a low is soon to follow.

So true again. It took me a while to understand why I was experiencing this 'high/low' cycle but it is explained really well here and this is why NC is the only answer.
Heart_Open
Posts: 705
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:52 pm

Re: The most definitive article I've read on Limerence

Post by Heart_Open »

Thanks for bumping this post! I read it when I first joined the site back in November but it is well worth the re-read all these months later.

Sadly NC isn't always a quick solution, I am still experiencing LE and have been NC for 5 years. That said, we are still friends on Facebook so I suppose that is not strictly strict NC. Just can't do it though, I just can't unfriend right now.

The no face-to-face NC did work though, over time. I guess time is the only thing that works.. IN that time, we grow and change, and we begin to truly take on board the idea that our LO has grown and changed since and is definitely not the person we remember.

My problem is that I can recreate the high by using my imagination. The low comes out of frustration that this will never ever happen again.
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: The most definitive article I've read on Limerence

Post by marko »

Paul45--Texting is hard on the limerent as you get no vibe, you get so little out of what you put some time and thought into. LO wanted some cookies from me, I'm a mile away tomorrow and asked if I should put them in her car, bring them in, or even at a quick lunch. I've invested a ton of thought in this as gives me some pleasure, and I may actually see her as that is getting next to impossible to do. A few last stabs to hang on, but it's her Birthday Sunday and I'm so close and again she asked me to make more--perfect reason. I texted tomorrow would work and it takes a lot of prep and thought to do this--still haven't heard from her. Yep, so much meaning to me, not much to her.
Idiotic
Posts: 1978
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: The most definitive article I've read on Limerence

Post by Idiotic »

Marko
You're so right about the vibe in texting. My heart pounds when i send her a message... And initially all my intensely crafted message got very bleh replies, she wouldn't even respond to everything i said. But my heart pounds even when i receive those crumbs. Of course she still hasn't responded to an article i forwarded her. I have a few photos that she would really like(we bonded over photography when we were friends) ... But i don't know when to send them. Its so hard not to.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn
NVTS
Posts: 635
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Re: The most definitive article I've read on Limerence

Post by NVTS »

I just read this and I must say, I think it's better than the WIKIPEDIA page. I think that the blogger did a fabulous job especially at her age. I wonder since she is presumably a few years older if she has any follow up.
When all else fails;
READ THE INSTRUCTIONS!
mamasita
Posts: 1109
Joined: Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:27 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: The most definitive article I've read on Limerence

Post by mamasita »

You are right Windy, this article is the best. I read it and re-read it every now and then. Sometimes I feel validated when reading it and other times I feel hopeless. But she puts it into words like none other. I have also wondered if the author grew up and is now a full blown limerence researcher or something. :)
User avatar
Daydreaming
Posts: 71
Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2017 4:46 am
Location: Brazil
Gender:
Brazil

Re: The most definitive article I've read on Limerence

Post by Daydreaming »

This is actually one of the most complete and enlightening articles I have read to date. For one who has never lived with Limerence, it may seem confusing, but for one who lives everyday, it is as if reading a diary of one's life, each line is fully understood.

The part where I most identified myself was where the author explains that people in Limerence episodes try to create situations to find LO instead of chasing it or going directly to it (like walking around a certain place outside the daily route in the hope of finding LO on the way). I used to take the same bus line that passes near LO's house, hoping to see it or find it.

Another point that caught my attention was to consider moments of sudden and unscheduled encounters with LO as something related to destiny or even supernatural. A few months ago I found LO in a place where I always fantasized about situations with her, and incredibly this encounter developed as if it were a script of my own fantasy (I imagined LO looking at a work of art on a wall while talking to her, and that was exactly what happened in real life, when we met there was an exhibition of artistic pictures and we both admired the painting as we talked), the dialogue we had also followed a flow very similar to what I had imagined for several days. This encounter seemed to be impossible to happen in that place and in that situation, but it happened by surprise, it took me unprepared and affected me a lot, after what happened I wondered if all this was not something supernatural, an invention of the universe or even divine.
There are sensations that are sleeps, that occupy like a mist the whole length of the spirit, that do not allow us to think, that do not allow us to act, that do not clearly allow us to be.
― Fernando Pessoa
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Daydreaming
Posts: 71
Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2017 4:46 am
Location: Brazil
Gender:
Brazil

Re: The most definitive article I've read on Limerence

Post by Daydreaming »

Heart_Open wrote: Tue Jul 25, 2017 12:59 pm Thanks for bumping this post! I read it when I first joined the site back in November but it is well worth the re-read all these months later.

Sadly NC isn't always a quick solution, I am still experiencing LE and have been NC for 5 years. That said, we are still friends on Facebook so I suppose that is not strictly strict NC. Just can't do it though, I just can't unfriend right now.

The no face-to-face NC did work though, over time. I guess time is the only thing that works.. IN that time, we grow and change, and we begin to truly take on board the idea that our LO has grown and changed since and is definitely not the person we remember.

My problem is that I can recreate the high by using my imagination. The low comes out of frustration that this will never ever happen again.
I also try to keep NC as much as possible, unfortunately I can not undo friendships on social networks, delete messages and photos. It's as if the photos, messages and engagements in social networks were the only things left over from LO, they are like historical pieces of great sentimental value that I keep and I am unable to undo.
I keep away from social networks, instead of excluding LO, I simply stopped following it to not receive updates or posts related to it, unfortunately sometimes I run into the profile picture of it on some page or group that it follows and It already makes my heart beat faster. The messages I keep as memories of a happy time, when I was closest to her, when I talked to her and had explosions of happiness at every new message notification (although I know that it was really very difficult moments and painful because of the insistent pursuit of LO reciprocity and fear of rejection). How I would like to return to the past, to be able to feel this feeling of intense happiness again, to feel that somehow I was loved, I certainly was not loved, but in my mind, everything that happened was love, the purest love that I already felt.

Two years later, I still can not stop thinking about LO for a single day, even with face-to-face and virtual NC, sometimes I find myself awake for hours while I lie in bed fantasizing about LO, sometimes the imagination is so intense that I murmur phrases from my thoughts chanting her name.

How can I turn my thoughts from LO if everything reminds me of her? Objects, music, places, situations, words, elements of nature ... It is as if my whole world were directed to it. There is an immeasurable sadness within me, a sadness that only manifests itself in times of extreme despair caused by the Limerence and when this happens I simply feel a strong tightness in the chest, and soon after the tears spurt, it is impossible to hold back the tears. I realized that this happens almost always after drinking too much alcohol and in places where I am surrounded by people and joy, except for the presence of LO, the only person I wanted to have with me.

What's left over after a great Limerence period? For me there were only memories, pain and a great sadness. I feel empty inside, as if the only thing that has mattered in my life has escaped my hands and now I see no light anywhere.
There are sensations that are sleeps, that occupy like a mist the whole length of the spirit, that do not allow us to think, that do not allow us to act, that do not clearly allow us to be.
― Fernando Pessoa
Heart_Open
Posts: 705
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:52 pm

Re: The most definitive article I've read on Limerence

Post by Heart_Open »

Hi Daydreamer

I don't visit the forums very often at the moment but something led me here today. And yours was the first post I read as I had a notification you had quoted me. I am sorry to hear about your distress. I know and understand completely how it feels. I originally wrote the post you quoted in July last year and despite doing a lot of inner work, and talking with others away from the forums, I am still experiencing LE. It comes in waves and I am standing back and learning to witness what else is going on at the time to trigger an episode. Since just before Christmas I was doing okay. He was in my mind, but nothing too much - I even drove right past him in his car and although I had a 'moment' recovered very very quickly and I was proud of myself. Then last Monday I found some of my old writings about him, causing me to ruminate considerably, not get the work done I was meant to get done etc. Music plays a massive part so listened to all the old stuff that reminds me of him. Then Thursday I had a massive family argument which culminated in me waking on Friday with the black cloud of depression looming above me. I was worried this was it - I lost my brother in August last year and know I have avoided giving in to the grief because I am so worried I will become depressed - but all day Friday, I had a good productive day in work. No music was needed. Friday night and he was back full force in my head and he was all I could think of all weekend. I wonder if I did that to avoid the depression settling in. I don't know but I would certainly argue that that was probably the case.

He and I are still connected on social media. I can't unfriend him either, but I have unfollowed (until this weekend but he isn't that active anyway).
He changed his profile pic a few months ago but this latest and longest episode in Nov 2016 when he posted this shit hot photo of himself that I can't get out of my mind.

Today though, I have been reminding myself that the him I have in my head now, 10 years since meeting him and almost 6 years not speaking to him face to face, is just a fantasy. It is an illusion. But then, that doesn't really help. It doesn't give me the solution to all this.

But yes, all you say - so many different elements to every day life remind me of him. Where I work is significant to him too, so that certainly doesn't help! Local stores, places of nature, music, words, mannerisms in others I know he has. People on tv who resemble him! Argh the list is endless.
Daydreaming wrote: Tue Jan 02, 2018 2:05 pm
Heart_Open wrote: Tue Jul 25, 2017 12:59 pm Thanks for bumping this post! I read it when I first joined the site back in November but it is well worth the re-read all these months later.

Sadly NC isn't always a quick solution, I am still experiencing LE and have been NC for 5 years. That said, we are still friends on Facebook so I suppose that is not strictly strict NC. Just can't do it though, I just can't unfriend right now.

The no face-to-face NC did work though, over time. I guess time is the only thing that works.. IN that time, we grow and change, and we begin to truly take on board the idea that our LO has grown and changed since and is definitely not the person we remember.

My problem is that I can recreate the high by using my imagination. The low comes out of frustration that this will never ever happen again.
I also try to keep NC as much as possible, unfortunately I can not undo friendships on social networks, delete messages and photos. It's as if the photos, messages and engagements in social networks were the only things left over from LO, they are like historical pieces of great sentimental value that I keep and I am unable to undo.
I keep away from social networks, instead of excluding LO, I simply stopped following it to not receive updates or posts related to it, unfortunately sometimes I run into the profile picture of it on some page or group that it follows and It already makes my heart beat faster. The messages I keep as memories of a happy time, when I was closest to her, when I talked to her and had explosions of happiness at every new message notification (although I know that it was really very difficult moments and painful because of the insistent pursuit of LO reciprocity and fear of rejection). How I would like to return to the past, to be able to feel this feeling of intense happiness again, to feel that somehow I was loved, I certainly was not loved, but in my mind, everything that happened was love, the purest love that I already felt.

Two years later, I still can not stop thinking about LO for a single day, even with face-to-face and virtual NC, sometimes I find myself awake for hours while I lie in bed fantasizing about LO, sometimes the imagination is so intense that I murmur phrases from my thoughts chanting her name.

How can I turn my thoughts from LO if everything reminds me of her? Objects, music, places, situations, words, elements of nature ... It is as if my whole world were directed to it. There is an immeasurable sadness within me, a sadness that only manifests itself in times of extreme despair caused by the Limerence and when this happens I simply feel a strong tightness in the chest, and soon after the tears spurt, it is impossible to hold back the tears. I realized that this happens almost always after drinking too much alcohol and in places where I am surrounded by people and joy, except for the presence of LO, the only person I wanted to have with me.

What's left over after a great Limerence period? For me there were only memories, pain and a great sadness. I feel empty inside, as if the only thing that has mattered in my life has escaped my hands and now I see no light anywhere.
Butter
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 11:42 am

Re: The most definitive article I've read on Limerence

Post by Butter »

100% accurate in the symptoms etc. I think some parts are little dangerous though. It says that often LS should confess their feelings towards LO so that it brings about either rejection or reciprocation. I've read on many threads within this forum that this is not a good idea. To be honest, I'm desperate to find out if my LO feels the same about me. Partly because I think rejection could be good for me and help me get over it. The other of course is that we all love to be loved by another desirable person. it seems like a win/win.
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