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Accountability thread

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
mamasita
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Re: Accountability thread

Post by mamasita » Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:50 pm

ReeledIn wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 5:32 am

This.

I found that the one thing that helps me the most is actually remembering what it feels like AFTER the interaction. Not before. Not during. AFTER.

Once I had experienced the "after" enough times (the tailspin, the downward spiral, whatever you want to call it)..I was eventually able to start convincing myself that no amount of contact was worth the rumination, the analysis.. and now...16 month after my discard, the worst part is being in the same room with him, just knowing he has moved on and cares not one iota about me. THAT sucks and that is enough to make me want to avoid him like the plague.

So, Charm, keep thinking about what any sort of interaction will feel like AFTER.
Soooo very true Reeled! The after is absolutely crushing. I remember the last time I felt the after feeling. I was going about my home life one evening helping with homework, cooking dinner, and completely hiding my tearful outbursts. I could not believe I fell off the wagon AGAIN! After swearing I wouldn't 5 or 6 previous times, maybe more. That night and that feeling has stayed with me and keeps me from reaching out. And over the past few weeks, I have REALLY REALLY wanted to reach out. But I won't.

ReeledIn
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Re: Accountability thread

Post by ReeledIn » Fri Oct 12, 2018 4:45 am

Can't write too much now but my meeting with LO went well. I had the upper hand cuz I knew everyone else in the room better than he does....I could just smell his resentment of me. He longed to be a mere mortal like the rest of us, but alas, he can't be. If he's not viewed as somehow better than everyone in the room, he just can't cope. His arrogance takes hold and he starts to ramble on topics about which none of us care. People's eyes glaze over...including mine. I wanted to just take a nap at one point...he is so wordy!!!!!!!!

It's quite sad, this life of a malignant narc...quite sad indeed.

His need for validation and his feelings of entitlement to, well, to everything and everyone is so painfully obvious to me now. I wonder if others can see it.

I find it so UNATTRACTIVE.

But a part of me still wants to save him from himself.

Sigh. Can't wait til this "need to help" goes away.
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
LE started June 2016, PA started Dec 2016
LC began June 2017
Now reconciled with wonderful SO


For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

Charm
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Re: Accountability thread

Post by Charm » Fri Oct 12, 2018 1:03 pm

ReeledIn wrote:
Fri Oct 12, 2018 4:45 am
Can't write too much now but my meeting with LO went well. I had the upper hand cuz I knew everyone else in the room better than he does....I could just smell his resentment of me. He longed to be a mere mortal like the rest of us, but alas, he can't be. If he's not viewed as somehow better than everyone in the room, he just can't cope. His arrogance takes hold and he starts to ramble on topics about which none of us care. People's eyes glaze over...including mine. I wanted to just take a nap at one point...he is so wordy!!!!!!!!

It's quite sad, this life of a malignant narc...quite sad indeed.

His need for validation and his feelings of entitlement to, well, to everything and everyone is so painfully obvious to me now. I wonder if others can see it.

I find it so UNATTRACTIVE.

But a part of me still wants to save him from himself.

Sigh. Can't wait til this "need to help" goes away.
Sometimes your LO sounds so much like mine -
And I too want to save my LO from his sad marriage, his sad childhood, be ause ultimately I am his saviour - onlt then will that massive void be filled - WRONG!!
My T told me this past week - he couldnt care less to be saved, he is quite content, may not appear so but we project that misery onto them
ReeledIn - lets try to save ourselves from this insanity called limerence !!! ~x(
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 2x
LE is now over - fingers crossed!

LadyChat
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Re: Accountability thread

Post by LadyChat » Fri Oct 12, 2018 1:52 pm

This is also a strong feature in my LE, the desire to save my LO from his bad childhood, his dysfunctional relationship and maybe even himself. Ultimately I’m having to come to terms with the fact some people just don’t want to be saved and that you can’t empower someone who wants to continue with the status quo. I think this will be key to the long process of letting go of him (though he was blatantly never mine to begin with.) I perceive the relationship he’s in to be highly controlling, often he is little more than a mouth piece for his GF’s views. Rather than blaming her (which I have been doing) I think I need to question whether this is the kind of man I would actually find attractive or want to be with- a man who is so needy, dependent and half the time incapable of original thought. That’s what my rational brain says but then the limerence notches up and that common sense goes out of the window...

Maddie
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Re: Accountability thread

Post by Maddie » Fri Oct 12, 2018 3:52 pm

Just to get this off my chest...

I spent several hours last night talking myself out of going by to see him tonight (if he is even working), and I'm sure when nightfall hits I'll have to revisit my reasons for not going. This is truly insane. I do believe it's withdrawals and the limberbeast doing everything in its power to suck me back in to the madness.

I/we can do this!!

(insert praying emoji, as I couldn't find it this morning) it will take nothing short of a miracle!
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

Pandora
Posts: 157
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Pandora » Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:01 pm

ReeledIn wrote:
Fri Oct 12, 2018 4:45 am
Can't write too much now but my meeting with LO went well. I had the upper hand cuz I knew everyone else in the room better than he does....I could just smell his resentment of me. He longed to be a mere mortal like the rest of us, but alas, he can't be. If he's not viewed as somehow better than everyone in the room, he just can't cope. His arrogance takes hold and he starts to ramble on topics about which none of us care. People's eyes glaze over...including mine. I wanted to just take a nap at one point...he is so wordy!!!!!!!!

It's quite sad, this life of a malignant narc...quite sad indeed.

His need for validation and his feelings of entitlement to, well, to everything and everyone is so painfully obvious to me now. I wonder if others can see it.

I find it so UNATTRACTIVE.

But a part of me still wants to save him from himself.

Sigh. Can't wait til this "need to help" goes away.
This is really good! You're seeing his flaws and faults instead of whitewashing them. I remember getting to that stage with a former LO and still having the desire to rescue him too. 'I need to make him see how dysfunctional and fucked up he is.'

May you continue to see his bad side and may the limerence die down!
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Pandora
Posts: 157
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Pandora » Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:14 pm

Maddie wrote:
Fri Oct 12, 2018 3:52 pm
Just to get this off my chest...

I spent several hours last night talking myself out of going by to see him tonight (if he is even working), and I'm sure when nightfall hits I'll have to revisit my reasons for not going. This is truly insane. I do believe it's withdrawals and the limberbeast doing everything in its power to suck me back in to the madness.

I/we can do this!!

(insert praying emoji, as I couldn't find it this morning) it will take nothing short of a miracle!
I can't even imagine being able to just pop in and see my LO whenever I wanted. The temptation must be incredible! You've done incredibly well not to just go barging in every evening.

You've got this Maddie! You've done it before and you can do it again!
Last edited by Pandora on Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Maddie
Posts: 585
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Maddie » Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:48 pm

Ty so much, Pandora. I have done it before-Ty for reminder! Part of the temptation besides the physical is the fact that we did build somewhat of a relationship that I miss...however, I don't want to stalk him at work (he may not see it that way, but I feel lame dropping in on him)....
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

Idiotic
Posts: 1397
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Idiotic » Sat Oct 13, 2018 8:00 am

Hello.... I don't know where to post this article it's kinda relevant for limerent peeps. So I'll just leave it here

https://medium.com/s/story/you-can-forc ... c7a409909e
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

Pudding
Posts: 669
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: Accountability thread

Post by Pudding » Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:15 pm

Idiotic, that was a good article. Thanks for sharing.

Problem for me is that my contact with LO is LC, in that I still see and usually speak to him weekly. It may be brief but it’s just enough to give me those hits. And unless he transfers to a different school, I am stuck with this for the next seven years while my youngest still goes there (not to mention how I will deal if he has LO as a teacher in the next few years, as my older child did). I know from the experience of being NC with LO for nine months when he was on parental leave that NC is essential for me. I actually felt I was 95% recovered at that time. But now my bouts of NC are limited to, at most, the two months of summer holidays. And even that this past summer did almost nothing. I still thought about him way too much.

It’s been three years. I want out.

I talked to him for five minutes the other day and it was enough to have me thinking about him every few minutes now. It’s insane and so frustrating when, like I said, I once felt almost fully recovered.
F 38
LO is M 35, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control ~x(

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