when is actual love and not limerence?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
sydney0845
Posts: 320
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2016 4:27 pm

Re: when is actual love and not limerence?

Post by sydney0845 » Sun May 07, 2017 11:42 am

It seems a very difficult question to answer, and something I find myself increasingly wrestling with. If a lot of this comes down to chemicals, and both are producing the same chemicals, which produce almost identical feelings, then where do the differences lie?

As far as I can tell it may be that a lot of it depends on the circumstances. I can see a significant distinction between cases where people feel they are infatuated with someone despite not really wanting to be with them, or despite not knowing them that well, or despite them treating someone badly, and cases where people feel they are infatuated with someone because they have gotten to know well, because the person seems genuinely lovely, because they seem to have shared interests, humour etc, because time spent with that person is genuinely enjoyable to both people.

My case definitely seems to be the later, so even if it's not really the case, my feelings for LO feel not only real and genuine, but entirely understandable and justified. If it were not for the fact that I'm married, it feels as though dating her would be an actual real possibility.

Whereas perhaps in the other scenario, even if both parties are single, the limerent might still feel that dating wouldn't be right with the LO.

I don't know if that answers the question of the difference between the two, or simply highlights differences in people's LE.

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InsaneEp1phany
Posts: 130
Joined: Wed Nov 11, 2015 9:59 pm
Location: Canada

Re: when is actual love and not limerence?

Post by InsaneEp1phany » Sun May 21, 2017 11:11 pm

L-F wrote:
Sun Apr 23, 2017 10:11 am
InsaneEp1phany wrote:
Sun Apr 23, 2017 12:55 am
Which reminds me of the quote in my signature and how the 'mirror' idea gives you insights as to what you've been harboring inside. I think a person who's contented or accepting of themselves are able to let go of the people who have made it clear that they refuse to be part of their lives. I think limerents tend to have a hard time letting go... am I right?
Yes I really like your signature I wanted to copy it :D

Letting go can definitely be difficult, for me it took time to get over limerence because I wanted to understand limerence without realizing it's more about understanding who I am. And now I know, thanks to this site.

A win/win for me. I ended up understanding both.
There's another quote that I like as well: "If you are willing to look at another person's behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all." --Yogi Bhajan

That quote, the more I read it, the more it starts to give me two perspectives: on the one hand, it makes sense to consider that people are just projecting what they feel about themselves onto you and that might help you to be more empathetic or sympathetic later on. On the other hand, although you can kind of relate to that person more and see that they are merely imperfect humans, you can't quite escape the reaction you're going to make when that person projects certain insecurities or flaws that you find is hard to tolerate even on yourself. Like I'm sure that there are certain flaws that we've obtained that we somehow can't quite accept in ourselves and so when you see those 'flaws' in another person, you feel 'repulsed' in a way but it comes across as a weird fixation or obsession. If that makes sense. I think this contributes to limerence as much as finding certain flaws and traits that you can accept in yourself. This might sort of explain why it's hard to let go of that person... it's like you're tied to the subject without even realising it! 'Cause limerence is really about us.
We obsess about people who mirror things in ourselves that need attention.--Martha Beck

"When the subconscious mind must choose between deeply rooted emotions and logic, EMOTIONS will almost always WIN." --T. Harv Eker

JellyBean
Posts: 1687
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am

Re: when is actual love and not limerence?

Post by JellyBean » Mon May 22, 2017 7:58 am

I love that quote InsaneEp1phany!

"On the other hand, although you can kind of relate to that person more and see that they are merely imperfect humans, you can't quite escape the reaction you're going to make when that person projects certain insecurities or flaws that you find is hard to tolerate even on yourself"

Absolutely! When you are faced with a projection that triggers your own stuff, it's like being handed a mirror, and until you can face your own 'ugly' you are not likely to let go... imo :D

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