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Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

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mycorona
Posts: 259
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Great Britain

Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by mycorona »

Something has been swirling around in my brain for a while and I'm putting it out there for your comments.

I believe my LO is not the stronger person in his Partnership. And I think this is an overlooked, but very important issue. As I think if he is the weaker one, all my longing, enticing, hoping in the world will not give him the courage to want to be with me in any way at all. He will be too afraid of his other half! Simple as that.
I urge you all to examine the dynamic between your LOs and their partners (those who have them). If you come to my conclusion that my LO is the weaker in the relationship. Then drop everything and run away. It can never work.
I've been reading some info on the Web and my theory would seem to be backed up, here is some of the following information from a psychiatrist and relationship counsellor....

"In relationships there is often one who loves and one who is loved more. This disproportion in affection is an unspoken and accepted aspect.
The "perfect couple" often consists of one who loves more than the other: the person who needs space and the person who gives that space to the other person. In many relationships there is the person who compromises more, contributes more, supports more, facilitates more, expresses more and demonstrates more.
Outside observers often note that one person in a couple is more attached, more concerned, more attentive and more invested and involved than the other person. When couples become aware of this disparity in their own connection, they may deny it, address it, decide to live with it or seek help in understanding the meaning it has for them."

If this is true, watch out! Scrutinise your LO's relationship and if he/she is the weaker one, and like mine, always complaining about his wife's lack of affection and her disrespect of him, don't expect reciprocation, they are too afraid of upsetting hubby/wifey, so you will never have them in any way. My advice, run away and fast.
I've analysed my LO's relationship and his partner is a hard and unforgiving woman. How could I expect him to take any chance with me, he's weaker in the relationship and he would be too afraid of her to ever try for anything with me - though because he wants my continuous feed of affection and empathy, he gives me the constant impression that...if he only got the chance, he'd be off with me.
NOT TRUE!!!!
I would be interested to see what others think of this.
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by mycorona »

I'm bumping this thread in case someone out there may give me their opinion on it.

I feel there is a truth here which may free many of us limerents.
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi mycorona

I do see some truth in that, but perhaps from the mans perspective. Also LE isn’t necessarily about wanting to be with someone else but it is the craving of affection that sometimes an LE brings.

But then love and limerence are two very different things. I love my wife but I am limerent for another. Limerence unfortunately is about possession which is not healthy. No-one can “own” or “save” another person. My LE I believed was never about being with the other woman and I viewed it as a friendship but the brain chemicals play tricks on you. Rewriting the past as bad, believing the LO is perfect and idealising them.

I would say I take on the role of the one giving more love in my relationship but I like that. My wife is supportive and independent and has allowed me to grow as an individual without ever judging me or complaining. She knows about my LE and is strong and helping me through it. She was willing to let me go if I thought there was someone I should be with. That to me is a demonstration of love, not the craziness of limerence.

The brain wants its supply unfortunately but as with any addiction it can be broken.
mycorona
Posts: 259
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Great Britain

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by mycorona »

Thanks for the reply Spadge.
Yes, you wife sounds like a confident and deep person. It's not easy to be able to give someone their space all the time and let them make their own decisions in life. It takes confidence.

What you say is very interesting. Thanks for replying. Does your certainty of being loved, allow you to think of other scenarios? Just wondering about the dynamics at work in our relationships. I know in my case that I feel that I am the more loved one. Though I love my SO, his love is - not deeper, but I would say more needy. I could definitely say without contradiction that I am his everything! It can be a burden. I have never wanted that, it's too all consuming for me.

Sounds ungrateful, I know.
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi mycorona

It’s interesting you say too all consuming, as that’s essentially limernece to a degree. It’s a bit of a juxtaposition in that you feel your SO is to needy yet unfortunately you are stuck in limerence which is a very needy place to be.

Sounds like your SO is still limerent for you. Make the most of it while it is still the case! (Only joking).

I guess it’s hard to relate to other scenarios. My first wife was a lot more needy. I felt suffocated in that relationship. A few months back I found I was being over needy, as I was trying to rekindle mine and SOs relationship. What I think I was really trying to do without knowing it is escape the limerence and transfer it but it doesn’t seem to work like that. It was probably too soon as I found that the more time I spent with SO the more I would think about LO.

Mine and SOs relationship is getting back to normal now. My mind is still on LO but it’s involuntary and just the way my mind is wired so I stop beating myself up for it. As I am not acting at all on the thoughts and accepting it’s involuntary is making me feel better about myself and that’s having a positive impact on mine and SOs relationship too.

(I hope that makes some sense!!) 😀😀
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
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Great Britain

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by mycorona »

Bumping up this thread again...
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by JupiterTaco »

I do agree, based on my own experiences, it does seem to be the truth. Recently looking at former elementary school LO for example, who's inexplicably been on my mind recently after years, his family, though they seem happy on the outside, seem puzzling.

I can tell his MIL doesn't like him, there are no pictures of them with his mother, and he seems to hang back in pictures at his wife's side of family get-togethers. It would take a lot of time to explain it, but anyway...I guess I could be wrong but I've gotten pretty good at sussing out bullshit in recent years. If nothing else they have problems.

For the record, I don't have feelings for this guy and don't want him for myself. I just found that interesting.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by mycorona »

Thanks for your input Jupiter.
I do think there is something in my original post that makes sense - at least to me. Glad it made you think about things. We all become good "psychologists" while trying to find out what our LOs lives are like by trying to read their minds!!! And if we're shrewd enough, we can see things there.....
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
John
Posts: 135
Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2019 3:14 pm
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United States of America

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by John »

Mycorona, I do feel you are onto something about your LO. I would definitely say that if he is missing affection and respect from his SO and getting it from you, you is filling that need. Whether or not he would ever leave his SO depends on more than if he is the weaker one. I think boundaries, commitment, finances, family, all figure in also.
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Some insight that might Help US LEs Heal

Post by mycorona »

Yes John I do agree there are many factors involved that get in the way of pursuing romance- for everyone.
Thing is I would never want him to leave his SO. I would never leave mine. But I've been excluded entirely from the process like a side issue, not treated as a person with involvement in this. He has acted all along as though he's all the time trying not to give in and f..k me, as if he's been cleared to taxi down the runway and is trying to pull up!. Nothing could be further from the truth and nothing could be more insulting to a woman when a man thinks that. I could release him of all his "resisting temptation" if he would only say a few words to me...eg I can't do it!
I'd say "ditto"...and we could all relax. ...
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
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